When I was younger, I would get really anxious about two things. The first thing? Peeing on my husband. I’ll admit it, I peed in the bed sometimes when I was growing up (all the way up until I was 36. Kidding.). At the age of 4, you would have been able to hear me praying and praying and praying that I would be finished with that wet mess by the time I was married. What would my husband think if a warm wet yellow river tried to engulf him during the night in attempt to carry him off to Pee-Pee Land? He’d divorce me on the spot! He’d be drenching in pee and insist on signing the wet divorce papers right then and there!
The other thing?
|This must be Teen Pregnancy C-section
Barbie. Is Ken the dad & the doctor?
I would have nightmares about having a baby. Every single thing that I experienced growing up would somehow be linked to, “Hey, would that level of pain be the same as having a baby?”
A bad stomachache.
Getting hit by a car.
Being mauled by a T-rex.
Swallowing a bag of glass.
Taking a nap on a campfire.
Enjoying a bowl of nails and staples soup.
Rolling off a roof into a pond of pitchforks.
Would these things feel the same as having a baby, in a pain scale sort of way?
My mother would always say, “Oh, sweetheart. It hurts while it’s happening, but you just forget the pain” to which I would think something along the lines of…
(I was hanging around my grandmother a lot then. That’s probably where I got that…)
My mom used to watch soap operas and I would see those sweating, panting, screaming women having babies on that show every episode. Babies were popping out all over As the World Hospital, Guiding Turns, the Bold and the Restless. You know the ones.
That’s why I got my epidural going in about the 3rd grade. I wasn’t messing around with that “sometimes the epidural doesn’t work mess”. Hook me up with that epidural right now, School Nurse! You can wait just a dingdang minute, Ms. Stanfield! I gotta get this epidural going and THEN I’ll work on my math facts!
It was really hard playing kickball and being in dance and trying to pull my weight in tug-of-war when I couldn’t feel the lower half of my body.
I tell you what, sister. It was worth it.
In 2004, my oldest son wanted to make his debut. He weighed 8 pounds. For a good half of the labor, I was asleep. My water broke at 10:00 p.m. and I was asleep around 1:30ish, if not before. He was born at 9:00 the next morning. I DID feel the labor pains (that School Nurse from 1983 needs to learn to give better epidurals!!) and I DO remember them. I mean, the memory is a little fuzzy, but I DO remember that I wasn’t liking them one bit.
Since I needed my sensation in my legs to keep up with my baby, I didn’t get that second epidural started until just before my second son was born. He weighed 9 pounds, 4 ounces. It was bliss once it kicked in. Bliss, bliss, bliss.
I know a lot of you basically squeezed watermelons out of your earring hole without even wincing and all of that. I fully realize that. If you are one of those, just don’t tell my husband.
He thinks having a baby can’t really hurt “that bad”.
What do you say, homies? Whether you have kids or not, whether you are a male or a female and whether you think epidurals were crafted by demons or angels, I want to hear your perspective. What would you tell my husband if he said,