April was the last month I saluted a woman so badly in need of a saluting in my “Today, We Salute You…” series of posts. These are “songs” written in the format of B-dweiser’s “Re-l Men of Geni-s” (the dashes are used due to a copyright issue) songs but salute women instead. If you look under the “Today, We Salute You” tab in the navigation bar, you’ll find some of the lucky ladies who have been in the spotlight. If you are having trouble hearing the rhythm in your head, click here for a long list of the hilarious commercials.
Today, it’s time for another woman to step onto the pedestal and shove the others aside. The lady? Ms. Grocery-Store-Sample-Maker-And-Giver-Outer. I feel ashamed that it has taken me so long to get around to her big day.
Kelley’s Break Room presents…
Re-l Wom-n of G-nius
(Reeeeeeeeeeallllllll Women of Geniuuu-uuuus!!!)
Today we salute YOU, Ms. Grocery-Store-Sample-Maker-And-Giver-Outer.
(Ms. Grocery Store Sample Maker and Giver Ou-howwww-terrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!)
It’s 9 o’clock a.m. and you are finally approaching your stand at the back of the grocery store across from the Gouda cheese and close to the frozen food aisle. Already a circle of vultures have gathered around your little electrical skillet wondering what food you’ll produce for their hungry mouths and it’s barely past breakfast time. In the most cheery voice you can muster, you chirp “Good morning, folks! I’ll have some Jimmy Dean sausage links ready fer ya in just a minute! Y’all come back!” They don’t budge.
As you lay out the sausage links in your electric skillet like your Ron Popeil or something, you spot Laverne over near the comfortable chip aisle, far away from the North Pole and close to the bathrooms. You also notice she’s just pouring Mott’s Apple Juice into Dixie cups while you sweat like the pig you are forking around in your HOT, HOT, HOT, HOT, HOT, HOT, HOT, HOT skillet. What did Laverne do to deserve that spot? Last week she plopped COLD yogurt into cups while you sliced brisket all the livelong day like a pioneer or Braveheart or something. You’re surprised they didn’t make you kill the beast!
(Do I look like a bu–uhhhh-uuuutcher???)
Despite the management’s obvious preference for Laverne over you, you stick toothpicks in every one of them dang sausage links and hand them to the starvin’ varmints just staring at you like their last meal was half of a Tic-Tac two months ago. You give three to the same kid and wonder where in the flip-flop his mom is located. This ain’t a buffet! Still, you smile, nod and point to the Jimmy Dean selection right by the Gouda and try to will all the adults gathered around with your eyes to pick up at least one dingdang box. You then recommend they wash that sausage down with some apple juice, and lots of it, right by the Lucky Charms with a sweet lady named LAVERNE.
(Better-watch-out, Vernie, they’re a-coming.)
So, crack open a new box of Jimmy Dean sausage links, Ms. Grocery-Store-Sample-Maker-And-Giver-Outer, and know that YOUR SMILE is the REAL reason we go to the grocery store at all.