Different Names For People Who Wear Sunglasses

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I hate when I forget my sunglasses and have to drive everywhere with my eyes closed.  That’s a tweet of mine because it’s true.  I hate when I lose my sunglasses and drive around everywhere with my eyes shut.  Or break them.  The other day, I crammed them in my pocket where they later broke in half.  I don’t buy expensive ones.  I usually limit my sunglasses budget to under $2,000 (the first 2 numbers).

My life would be simpler if I just wore my sunglasses “on my person” when out and about, instead of putting them in my purse or pocket. You can imagine my delight when I came across this handy guide below showing a few of the different options for storing your sunglasses on yourself.  I have come to realize that it takes a certain personality to wear each one of these options well, which the guide, you’ll see, points out.

THE INNOVATOR

You know how to make your sunglasses work for YOU, like supermodel Naomi Campbell up above.  One minute your sunglasses are protecting your eyes from being obliterated by the sun’s menacing rays and the next minute you are looking super fly by keeping your hair neatly pulled back.  You tell headbands to stick it on a daily basis.  You will wear sunglasses on the top of your head WELL after you have been outside even.  Where’s the rule book that says you have to take them off after being indoors for 4 hours?  YOU are innovative with your plastic eyewear and people admire you.
THE ILLUSIONIST

http://www.isthiswhitetrash.com/

Does that person have their clothes on backwards?  Does that guy have his eyes in the back of his head?  Is he super skilled at walking, and even running, backwards??  Does he want to make us think he’s got a superpower of some sort?  Hmmm??  After you realize the answer is “no” to most of those questions because you’ve gotten close enough to see the fancy way The Illusionist is wearing his sunglasses, you wonder why you hadn’t thought of that move before.  He just hooks his sunglasses on his ears the exact opposite way he normally does and retrieves them the second he feesl like a Gremlin being exposed to a lightbulb.  Genius.

THE HOOKER

http://www.thisnext.com/

She hooks sunglasses, people!  Hooks sunglasses on the top of her shirt!  What did you think I meant?  Gah.  Actually, as you can probably already tell, this is just a fun shirt that makes it LOOK like the gigantic sunglasses are perched on her collar when, in reality, it’s just ink on cotton.  The Hooker wears the sunglasses in a location that is easy to access, especially for moments when you are deep in thought and need to bite the end of one of the arms of your sunglasses.  This is also a perfect look if you are trying to appear like an intellectual model (there is such a thing, right?) or an English detective.

THE BACKWARDS HOOKER
http://www.ask-kalena.com/

I saw The Backwards Hooker at Subway yesterday.  The Backwards Hooker is a man or woman who can’t be bothered with sunglasses really at all.  They banish their sunglasses like Cinderella’s stepmother banished her to the attic.  They don’t want to have to mess with those irritating sun blockers.  They need their hands free for making jazz hands or playing the didgeridoo.  They have thought through all of the options and have discovered this is the best way to have both convenience and freedom.  You’ll never find a more efficient and wise person than The Backwards Hooker.

I think I am going to become a hooker. 
How about you?

Just a couple of more things…
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