People are always trying to take away my gangsta card, though. They doubt I’m for real. They have the nerve to suggest I wouldn’t last seconds out on “the streets”. My point today is to prove to them all that I am gangsta to the core.
Kind of like Michael Bolton here, who, by the way, uses some bad words in the clip. (My mother-in-law reads this blog.)
#1: I eat chocolate chip cookies RIGHT AFTER they’re taken out of the oven. My mouth is invincible! I could snack on fire if I wanted!
#2: I regularly put food in the oven before it is pre-heated. “You WILL take this chicken and you will take it NOW! Shut that mouth!” (Mouth = oven door)
#3: I put germs in their place by opening and shutting public bathroom stall doors with my shoe. Did you hear me? WITH MY SHOE.
#4: I decide when I’m finished drying my hands in a public bathroom. I am NOT FAZED by the blowing of the hand drier and will straight up WALK OUT of that bathroom while it’s still sounding its mouth off.
#5: When I roll up to the drive-through cashier, I sometimes keep my sunglasses on. For at least a minute (even for 2 seconds), I want them to think Usher has arrived to get his Southwest Salad with Balsamic Vinaigrette at McDonald’s.
#6: I let the gas tank pump its gas by itself into my car. I don’t have time to be standing beside my car while it’s getting its drink on! This lady is IMPORTANT!
#7: I can carry 10 bags or more of groceries into the house all at once by lining the PLASTIC bags (that’s right! I said *plastic!) along my arms. Have you seen my guns? I’m talking about muscles, baby!
#8: I don’t use coupons unless the store tapes one on something FOR ME. You want me to save money, then YOU cut them out and tape it on my toilet paper! THAT’S RIGHT!
#9: I can parallel park better than you. You don’t think so? MEET ME OUTSIDE!
#10: I can flash gangsta signs. Okay, just the signs for “more”, “thank you” and “happy” that I used with my sons when they were babies, but I’m ready to learn more. I could learn more! You think I’m playin’?
*I recycle. So gangsta!
0-3: Lil’ Bow-Wow status–>You are a lightweight. Proceed to the nearest Chuck E. Cheese and quit actin’ like you can play the gangsta game.
4-6: Jay-Z status–> You will be allowed to carry your gangsta card for a probationary period. If we hear that you wait for the oven to preheat or hit the curb parallel parking, it will be revoked.
7-10: Eazy-E status–> You can carry your gangsta card with no questions asked AND get to get into the Thuggish Ruggish Ball for free!