LG of The LG Report
is being interviewed today for the “Master of the Break Room” position while I’m preparing to fly to Arizona with my two little boys to visit a dear friend of mine since 4th grade. (My husband has to stay behind to work. Feel sorry for him, please?) So, while I’m away, someone has to watch closely over the Break Room to make sure no one steals all of the Cokes and doesn’t try to take off with that orange chair. Don’t try any funny business with that NEW orange chair! It’s attached firmly to the ground (with gum). LG is a really, really, really funny guy. His sense of humor is ALWAYS amusing! I look forward to his new blog posts all the time because I know I will laugh out loud. You’ll see what I mean…
Kelley has been kind enough to ask me, LG (I refer to myself in the third person, which will become annoying to you very quickly) to sit in as a guest blogger in The Break Room today. LG is truly honored; he reads Kelley’s Break Room regularly (never taking advantage of the free Cokes however) and loves her creativity and sense of humor.
LG suspects, however, that Kelley may have asked him to guest blog so that her readers will be that much happier when she returns. Just a hunch. You be the judge…
LG has been blogging for over a year at The LG Report but has never, until today, served as a guest blogger for anyone. He’s getting a little verklempt here.
Unfortunately, LG just found out that one must interview for the position of Master of the Break Room in Kelley’s absence. It’s not an honor that’s just handed over on a microwave-safe platter.
Here’s the transcript of LG’s tête-à-tête with the Human Resources Director of the company in which Kelley’s Break Room is housed (LG doesn’t know the name of the company, but it doesn’t really matter, the Break Room is the main focus….)
Faceless Interviewer: So what makes you think that you’re qualified to take over for Kelley in running the Break Room while she’s on vacation with her family? And, by the way, let’s get this on the table now: We don’t like your face.
LG: Thank you sir, it’s a pleasure to be here. I’m a semi-personal friend of Kelley’s, as much as one can be over the internet, and I feel strongly that I’m talented at cleaning out refrigerators, identifying strange food items and keeping everyone moving so that they don’t spend too much time lounging around. I get the lazy bastards right back out to work! Unless you’re the lazy bastard sir. You could take all the time you’d like.
Nameless and Disinterested Interviewer: How would you deal with a three-week old egg salad-ish sandwich? An egg-like substance, anyway.
LG: Throw it out. Hazmat suit. Reinforced industrial-strength Glad bag.
Surly and Vapid Interviewer: Very good. How about an unclaimed peach growing green-and-white fuzz on it after a week?
LG: Secretly transfer it to the top right desk drawer of my most-hated colleague.
Stuffed-Suit Interviewer: Standard procedure at this company, another good answer. Do you know what we manufacture here?
LG: I think it’s high resolution beta oscillating carbonic digital interface connector polarity sensors. Am I correct?
Corporate Drone Interviewer: Wrong, rubber bands. But a good guess. We still don’t like your face. What attributes of Kelley’s do you have?
LG: None, really.
|Pssst…Kelley here. Just wanted to show
you that I, in fact, DO have large
quantities of Sweet ‘n Low in my
possession. These are just the few that
I keep in my right sock.
Humorless Slug Interviewer: That’s OK, we don’t need another gold-bricker like her hanging out in the Break Room all day anyway. She’s technically our Chief Financial Officer, but she lounges in The Break Room all day and doesn’t seem to be all that good with numbers. Do you have any dirt on her? We suspect that she’s been pilfering Sweet-N-Low’s. We have no hard proof at this point, however.
LG: Nah, Kelley is so sweet that she doesn’t need to steal any artificial additives from The Break Room.
Spiritually-Bereft Interviewer: Wow, you’re really sucking up to her based on this guest blogging thing. Give us the straight scoop or your chances at this job are history. We don’t need you, this job pays minimum plus a dollar.
LG: Hmm, in that case… she has about 73 Sweet-N-Low’s in her desk as we speak. Bottom left drawer. She also leaves comments on other blogs even though she hasn’t actually read the blog post.
Morally-Bankrupt Interviewer: Tell me something new, we already had that on her. Have you ever run a break room before?
LG: No sir. Looking forward to it. I was captain of an oil tanker, CEO of an investment bank, president of an Ivy League college and governor of two U.S. states, but never ran a break room.
Fraudulent Blood-Sucking Interviewer: Kind of thin on experience son. Did Kelley tell you where she hides the Yodels? I’d kill for a pack of Yodels right about now.
LG: No, not as far as you know sir.
Rude and Distracted Interviewer: Yodels will get you the job. I need a Yodel immediately. But I mean a real Hostess Yodel, not one of those phony bullcrap Ho Ho’s. I hate Ho Ho’s. If you’re a Ho Ho eater you can pound the pavement right now. So do you know or not? The job depends on it.
|These three different types of chocolate snacks are hidden in The Break Room.
LG: Second drawer under the microwave on the right. Way in the back. Behind some Earl Gray tea boxes. Nobody ever looks there. Plus, the tea smell masks the Yodel aroma. Kelley put a lot of thought into that hiding place. Took her a few weeks. One of her proudest achievements. I think there may be a pack of Ho Ho’s right in front of the Yodels to appease those with low-brow tastes.
Convicted Embezzler/Interviewer: Congrats, you’re hired. Who needs Kelley anyway? Do you carry your work shoes to the office in a Sephora bag and wear sneakers to-and-from your job every day like most women?
LG: No sir, I’m a dude.
Potential Mass Murderer/Interviewer: Well start doing so, we require that of all our Break Room mavens. And we want you to dress respectably, not like some street Ho Ho, if you know what I mean. Oh, and remember, our policy on Break Room stewardship: Don’t ask, don’t tell. What happens in the Break Room stays in The Break Room.
LG: Yes sir.
Aloof and Arrogant Interviewer: One more thing. The bad news is that when Kelley gets back you’re out of a job, we actually like her around here, even though the microwave is always dirty and our Diet Cokes are constantly missing. But she’s a good kid. Who needs a Chief Financial Officer anyway when you have a well-run Break Room?
LG: Understood sir, thanks for having me. I’ll get that Yodel to you shortly. Would you like any Sweet ‘n Low on it?
He’s funny, right? Quite the nutcase, right? That’s why I asked him to stop by. For more fun wackiness, you can follow his blog, The LG Report, HERE.