Enroll in the “Self-Defense Class Against Mall Kiosk Predators” right now!

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Welcome to the Self-Defense Class Against Mall Kiosk Predators, also known as MKPs!  I am so grateful that Sears has let us use the front of their store area for this quick review of some very helpful techniques.  Afterwards, we will put our skills to the test, so don’t rush off to look at all the Black & Decker tools and vacuum cleaners!  Stay with the group!

You are in this class because you have tried saying “no thank you”, tried to politely wave off the MKPs, tried walking quickly away, etc. and it hasn’t been working for you. As a victim of some very bold and aggressive sales techniques here at this very mall myself, I can tell you that it is TIME to get your black belt in “I said no!” if you care anything at all about your pocketbook and dignity!

Before we get started, let’s stretch!  Reeeeeach to the ceiling everyone!  Touch your toes!  Okay, that’s it.

The FIVE simple and effective techniques are…

#1 THE BUH-BYE BONNET: Everyone knows the MKPs have you where they want you if they achieve eye contact.  You may feel silly as you pass Hollister, American Eagle and Anthropologie dressed like Laura Ingalls, especially you men, but at least no one will hardly see your face, including that MKP trying to buff your nails like a madman!

#2 THE TWIST:  MKPs will first beg you to stop, but if that doesn’t work, they’ll try to hand you an ad of some sort.  The last time I tried to oblige a MKP at least that much, he held on to the dern thing!  If the MKP won’t let go, you take the ad/arm unit and twist it quickly to the left just enough to release the ad and make him flinch!

Darlene is trying a more advanced technique here,
but you get the idea.

#3 THE MIRROR: From now on, you will have to go to the mall with an oversized bag big enough to fit this mirror in it below.  When the MKP approaches you like hyena’s prey, hold up the mirror so that the MKP can see her reflection.  The plastered grin, the wide eyes and the shameless persistence will surely scare her!

#4 THE CHIMPANZEE:  That helicopter is coming straight for your head!!  Whew!  You barely missed it, but just BARELY!  Will you be as lucky next time?  When passing by the pushy pilots, just wave your hands above your head like an excited chimpanzee the entire time.  The MKP will certainly not want to get one of his prized helicopters knocked to the ground!
If one helicopter kiosk feels this way, they all do.  So, wave those arms!
#5 SILLY STRING: The great thing about this technique is that you can fits lots of cans into your bag and they’re cheap!  This really is your last line of defense, but, by all means, USE IT if they just won’t stop asking you to try those blasted “smokeless” cigarettes!
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Before we put on our bonnets and head to the Food Court for 3 cookies each and a large Coke, does anyone have anything else to add?  Any experiences to share with the class??  We can only get through the mall war zone unscathed if we help each other!

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