#1: Read everybody’s tattoos
#2: Wonder what that State Trooper did to deserve such a mind-numbing job. Ask him when you get close in line to him and then tell him a really funny knock-knock joke.
#3: Make it through an entire Sudoku book, play 20 entire Words With Friends’ games or bust out your travel Scrabble game and try to get the lady in front of you to play. When you realize she can’t speak English, keep insisting that she play as you know this will give you an advantage in the game.
#4: Offer to French braid, comb or brush people’s hair. If anyone says yes, put on your HazMat suit first.
#5: Ask people around you to play Twister. When they all so say no, try to get your back-up game of charades going in your little area of the building. As you will likely still be standing outside two hours into your DMV trip, pretend you are monkey and use all the space around you to act it out as much as possible while keeping a close eye on your spot in line. When the one person playing along guesses “monkey”, insist that you have another turn and pretend you are a monkey again.
#6: Each time the DMV lady yells “NEXT!”, yell out “WINNING!” even though Charlie Sheen references are so, like, yesterday and then blow the airhorn you brought in your purse or bag.
#7: See if anyone wants a bite of your Reese’s Peanut Butter cup. Insist that all you wanted was the outside edges and that you would be happy for them to have the rest.
#8: Set up your movie projector and play “Boyz ‘n The Hood” on the back of one of the Driver’s License picture screens and 1984’s “Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo” on the other.
#9: When you are getting close in line, get out your notebook and begin making first-hand observations of what those DMV ladies are doing besides moving people quickly through the line. Note every sip of coffee Barbara takes in the back, how many times Rhonda comments to Carol about “this summer heat”, how slow Bernadette pecks at the computer, etc. Tell yourself that when you finally emerge from that building, you will offer your notebook to the highest bidding news station even though you know deep down no ones really cares and that you would never part with it given that it contains the rough drafts to your book, poems and love songs.
#10: When it is FINALLY your turn to have your picture taken for your Driver’s License, flash the peace sign and stick out your tongue just before the camera flashes. When Lolene behind the desk gives you a dirty look, apologize profusely and then do it again. Keep doing it until the Trooper threatens you with his tazer or has to put you in handcuffs. While walking cuffed out of the DMV, tell him another good knock-knock joke.