Have I Lost My Head??


“No syrup?!?!  Ahhhhh!!!!”

 Over the past two days I have felt like a giant, steaming pile of camel poo.   I was feeling BAD, I tell you.  I began experiencing a sore throat a few days ago and then was hit with a fever on Sunday night.  Yesterday my fever was at 102.5.  This astronomical number (to me anyway!) made me frantically search for a red cord in my bathroom to pull so that I could call for a nurse.  There was no such cord.  The only signs of life I could find just begged for waffles and acted like the melting Wicked Witch when I said we had no syrup.

Of course, my husband had to go to work.  I am almost positive that if both of my arms just popped right off while putting on my clothes for the day, my husband would still say he had to go to work.  “But, Chris, I’VE GOT NO ARMS HERE!!”  He’d reply asking what I wanted him to do as he had an important meeting at 9 and it’s not like I couldn’t use my feet or something to pour cereal for the boys.

I am almost positive that if I had felt better over the last 48 hours, I would not have:

been such a sorry potty trainer.  When little dude pees in his pants, he drops his drawers and keeps going about his day.  Outside yesterday I caught him going down the sidewalk on his bike commando.  With my head feeling like a jackhammer store was having an around-the-clock giant Grand Opening Test-Out-All-The-Jackhammers Sale, I have not been able to properly time my “Do you need to go to the bathroom?” question.  Obviously.

given the cleaners guy my BRA.  I’ve accidentally handed him my husband’s boxers and white undershirts before.  My bra has never tried to hitch a ride in the Wad O’ Clothes.  When Cleaners Guy, who often sports a deep V-neck that showcases his three chest hairs, handed it back to me, I didn’t even care.  My head hurt too bad to give a flippin’ flyin’ fart.

-locked myself out of the house yesterday morning.  I know, I know.  Get an extra key.  Get a keyless entry pad by the door.  At the time, though, I was at a loss for what to do.  My husband wasn’t able to be reached.  Since I didn’t know what else to do, I called the local locksmith who advertised his services for $15.  When I called, he said it would be $15 to come out and $35 to $40 “and up” for labor.  When I wrote him a check for well over $100, I started sobbing.  For real. 

Because I hated making mistakes left and right due to my headache, I decided to buy a guillotine from Craigslist.  If I hadn’t bought one, Chris would have bought one for me over that check to the locksmith.  You wouldn’t believe how much better I felt once my head was gone.  Because not even being headless will keep me down, I was still able to wash clothes, take care of my kids, drive everywhere and write this blog post!  Amazing, right?  If you ever need to borrow it, let me know.  It works wonders for headaches!

Me on the way to CVS in my favorite Pepto-Bismol-colored skirt.
P.S. I feel better today.


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