My Confused Ex-Convict Friend

In 1993, my senior year, I worked a few hours a week at Fuddrucker's, the really good hamburger place known for it's freshly baked hamburger buns and weird name (don't say it 5 times fast!!).  I made a good friend of mine work there with me.  Between asking Mike S. and Tom L. if they wanted their 1/2 pound burger cooked medium well or well done, we'd move to the restaurant music, like Paperboy's "Ditty" ("...if I was a vacuum, I'd be suckin' up competition!"), and sneak in bites of chocolate chip cookies, french fries dipped in hot cheese mixed with their special seasoning and one-half of their really, really good made-in-the-store hamburger buns. We would also, of course, get the orders together and call Mary W. up to the counter to retrieve her food.  Getting orders together meant that we conversed with the cooks a lot.

One of those cooks was an ex-convict.

That sounds scary, right?  He wasn't scary, though. Damon was actually the nicest cook.  The other cook was a short, squatty dude named Pete who was way too flirty and creepy.  Actually, since I have become obsessed with The First 48, I've realized that a lot of criminals can actually be nice people.  So many young men make really stupid decisions because they haven't been taught otherwise or may be in a survival mode in a really rough part of town.  I have no clue what Damon did to deserve time in jail, but I know he was thrown in the clanker for something.

That really is beside the point.

Actually, it isn't.  Damon was trusted by the manager, as he hadn't sliced anyone up as he was preparing a Chicken Bacon Swiss sandwich nor had he locked anyone in the really large freezer.  Because he wanted to show Damon that he trusted him, the manager asked Damon to run out and get 100 ones, as we were running low on change in the drawers. Damon eagerly, but somewhat nervously, accepted the  challenge.  It had been a long time since someone trusted him with so much money.

He was gone for a while but when he finally returned, he had...

100 BUNS crammed in his car.

CRAMMED.  When he drove up, all you could practically see were Damon's eyes and packages and packages and packages and packages and packages and packages and packages and packages and packages of hamburger buns.  He had apparently overlooked the fact that Fuddrucker's makes their own hamburger buns all the livelong day.  I guess the jail cell stole some of his brain cells.


Oilfield Trash said... [Reply]

That is awesome!!!!!

Kristina P. said... [Reply]

I'm sure he knows a lot about buns, being an ex-con.

Too soon?

Kelley Simpson said... [Reply]

LOL!!!! Kristina, LOL to you too!. My husband just asked me from the other room what I'm laughing about... How do I explain this?

Thanks for the laugh.

Saimi said... [Reply]

I wonder how the cashier counted them as she was ringing them up? 5, 10, or maybe in 20's....

laughingmom said... [Reply]

Hope he brought back the change!

Lightning Bug's Butt said... [Reply]

Great story! God, I hope that guy is doing alright. Anybody who makes an innocent mistake like that can't be all bad!

Shell said... [Reply]

Oh, that is hilarious!

We have one of those Fuddruckers here- my husband keeps talking about the bison burger or something that he had there.

Peevie Juice said... [Reply]

Well he was the cook, maybe cooking was the only thing he was good at!

It's 13:30 over here. The time that is. And cos of you I'm craving a hamburger now. Epic.

FranceRants said... [Reply]

That Damon was a looker...

And I got your comment on my could you NOT cry over I LOVE YOU FOREVER? What kinda of heartless mom does not blubber over such a story?....

...someone who worked at Fuddruckers..that's who....

Lazarus said... [Reply]

Very funny KKell! I used to work at a 7-Up distributorship driving a truck in college. Once, at the lunch table (in the Breakroom no less!) a secretary was talking about going to college and mentioning various colleges. One forklift driver, an ex-con, mentioned that he had spent time in the state pen. She said "Oh, you mean Penn State?" She was horrified when he corrected her and said "No, I served time in the state pen." Maybe you had to be there...

Oddyoddyo13 said... [Reply]

HA. That's brilliant. :) No wonder he was nervous-someone might've stopped him from buying all those hamburger buns in case they were used for something awful! Can't think of what, but I'm sure it would be bad.

Logical Libby said... [Reply]

At least he didn't ask for a hundred bucks. All of those deer wouldn't have fit in the car.

yodelingdad said... [Reply]

This was great! Can't get mad at a guy like that, even for kind of a semi-colossal mix-up. Oh, and let's hear it for the class of '93!! (Ocean City High School, NJ)

The Empress said... [Reply]

OMG, and cracked my ass up!

I would've died laughing at the sight..

The Flying Chalupa said... [Reply]

You. are. shitting me. That's awesome. God bless Damon. Poor lad. Just trying to please and wondering why the hell the manager would ask for buns.

Daffy said... [Reply]

There have been many MANY times in the last week that I've asked OUT LOUD...'AND YOU were the sperm that beat out all the rest?'....

Seriously makes you wonder!

Deborah said... [Reply]


Blind obedience. The poor guy. I love the boss though.

KLZ said... [Reply]

Oh man, that visual ia killer. At least he didn't come back with 100 nuns

Pearl said... [Reply]

Dang it, Damon!! :-) That's a hundred ONES, not BUNS!


Great story!


TV's Take said... [Reply]

Ha! I love him. Actually that is so sweet that he was nervous about getting all those 'ones'. Thanks for sharing - Great story.

Tonya said... [Reply]

Totally. Understandable.Mistake. Recently the spouse asked me to pick up our son, I could've sworn he said hot dog buns. It wasn't until we were sitting down to dinner that noticed something was missing.

Yvonne said... [Reply]

hahaha! that, unfortunately, sounds like something i would do! hahaha

Jennifer Shirk said... [Reply]


Debbie said... [Reply]

Oh my word! that is priceless. lol

Queen Mahin said... [Reply]

This is crazy funny! Love it!
Plus whenever I go to Fuddruckers I like to scream out: "Mother Fuddruckers!" But nobody else ever thinks that is funny.

Susan in the Boonies said... [Reply]

Oh, gosh.

This post could also have been titled: Why Damon really SHOULD have turned the volume in his headphones down, years ago, like his Mama told him to.

Desperate Housemommy said... [Reply]

That bun smuggler certainly does belong behind bars.

Side note: Our local Fuddruckers was directly across the street from a restaurant called Mother Tucker's. Say THAT combo ten times fast, why don't you?

Poppy said... [Reply]

Hilarious. I don't think prison took away his brain cells, I think he was the fall guy for someone else. this guy sounds pretty easy to trick.
"Hey Damon try on this ski mask, I want to see how it looks on you".

Sparkling said... [Reply]

why can't i stop laughing??? like good old fashioned chuckling? that is a very funny story. i picture him having to go from store to store to get that many packages of buns.

Auto Title Loans said... [Reply]

Hey, it happens to the best of us. It's the amount of effort he did in trying to do the right thing, right? The question is, how did the manager react and did he ever trust him to do an errand again? Poor guy!

kmcaffee said... [Reply]

You made this up, right??? Really? Did you? Heeheehee!

TLZ - "nuns"! Ha!

Melinda said... [Reply]

Ha Ha!! I did not see that coming.

Jen said... [Reply]

I love Fuddruckers. Probably more than a normal person should. I am not kidding.

I am guessing Damon didn't take advantage of any of the classes they offer in jail. Yeah, no.

Ado said... [Reply]

This sounds like something I would do - or have done - and I haven't even been to jail. Yet.

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