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| Easy does it, homeboy. (http://www.datingsitedisasters.com/) |
"YOU ARE A WORTHLESS PIECE OF TRASH ON THIS ROADWAY AND I WISH YOU WOULD JUMP IN THAT CEMENT MIXER THAT JUST PASSED BY AFTER YOU EAT A BAG OF GLASS!!!! HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONK, HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONK!!!!!!!!!!!!!"I only honk (only lightly tap, actually) my horn when the person in front of me has been sitting at the green light for the length it would take to watch Titanic twice in a row. Once I've done it, I feel like a fresh rabbit turd and try to make amends with the driver by trying to toss a note of apology on my "K" stationery when we meet up at lights or when we are going 75 mph neck and neck on the interstate.
Here's an unfortuate exchange I had not too long ago with someone who sat at the light as long as it would take the slowest reader you can remember from elementary school to get through War & Peace. I honked at the little lady and caught up with her on the road to apologize for my insensitivity:
"HEY!!! I've got something for ya!!! Yeah! You remember me? I was the lady in your rearview mirror about 35 miles back!! I honked at you, well, LIGHTLY TAPPED at you, and, well, I just feel like a piece of aardvark dung for doing that when I know you would have eventually seen that light yourself. Anyway, I'd like for you to catch this note of apology I scratched out on the top of my steering wheel. Forgive the bumps! They need to make steering wheels like mini-desks, right? Put a pencil sharpener right by the radio. Wouldn't that be awesome? Yes, yes...oh, I see. Okay, you've got to get to the Emergency Room because your arm was severed when you were making a smoothie this morning. Wow!! Is that right?? Hey, well, I guess so as that IS a lot of blood you got on your front seat and, well, looky there, you are missing a big chunk of your arm. Maybe you were wiping that blood up when you were sitting at the light? Well, listen, I don't want to keep you anymore. You really have got to get going before you lose any more blood and di-- Ma'am? MA'AM?!?!"My husband and I OFTEN have discussions about when and how to use the horn. He says horns are meant to be used. When someone is acting the fool on the street, he feels it is his job to alert everyone in his vicinity that Mr. DrivesReallyBad has arrived, including Mr. DrivesReallyBad. He REALLY alerts everyone, naw mean? Where my horn/tap might be like this "beep!", his have been known to sound a little like this "HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" You think I'm lyin'? When this occurs, I somehow manage to exit the car, no matter how fast it is moving, and situate myself right under the oil pan. After I cuddled with the oil pan last time, I have been able to tell that he is exercising tremendous restraint and not honking as he normally would, which, in my mind, is basically showing love to me. It's almost as if he is giving me a lifetime supply of KitKats (my favorite!), a gift card to Barnes & Noble and sitting with me through Justin Bieber's movie "Never Say Never" every time he doesn't let Mrs. FartsAroundMakingARightHandTurn have it with the horn.
Are you a hooker, I mean, honker?
(I am so sorry about that one.)
39 comments:
I am not a honker, but if it is a real bonehead move, it deserves a "DUHLEARNHOWTOFREAKINGDRIVE" honk, and I go all out. No apologies. Mwahahahaha!!!!
When I drove in California, I was never a honker. But let me tell you, ever since I've been living in Utah, I've honked it a LOT. Oh man. My pulse is rising just thinking about the drivers here. I'm sorry, but I'm not as nice as you. If I see someone pull an idiot move, I'm gonna call 'em out on it. That means laying on the horn for 5 minutes and giving 'em a dirty look. Heh. Now I'm exhausted.
I'm with you in the "hurt feelings" camp, but I have an unfortunate tendency to drive really sloooowly, and it makes the other drivers nuts.
I love Neneh Cherry. :)
The only time I beep my horn, is like you, if someone hasn't noticed the lights changing, or if there's a dangerous situation.
I usually forget that I have a horn to honk. But when I do remember, I can't get off of it. I just lay on that thing, honking my brains out. I hate the sound of a horn. When people honk if I'm out running or walking, I completely ignore them, if I'm on the sidewalk.
I hate honking...unless some less than genius person nearly causes an accident with their pissed poor driving, then I'm all over it.
The Hubs believes in honking it forward. No matter ego or why there's a honk, if he hears it, he'll do the same. Drives me nuts!
Yes. Honking is a guy thing for sure. I do like you do - like they taught us in driver ed - a friendly little tap o' the horn.
I really do like your apology note idea, though, and I give you props for eking those out while driving 75 mph. Darn bumpy steering wheels.
My husband and I are the total opposite. He never honks and thinks it's super rude. I, however, employ the horn on an hourly basis. And, yeah, when I honk I probably am thinking all those horrible things you wrote. Sometimes, I think I should be the only person allowed to drive. I also imagine having rockets that fly out of my car and blow up drivers that really offend. I am not even kidding. I might have a bit of road rage. Just a bit.
I totally am not a honker(or hooker, unless the price is right!). I feel like the one time I honk, it is going to scare the crap out of the person and they will drive off the side of the road or something.
I drive an Excursion. yes, I know. Don't lecture me about fuel economy (it's diesel, btw), killing the environment, etc. etc. etc.) I used to hate honking, but find myself doing it more and more.
I don't understand why I need to honk more. It's a huge car. How can ya miss seeing something the size of an aircraft carrier driving in the lane next to you? I've lost count of how many near-misses I've had where others almost slam into me as I'm driving around. I honk, and I honk long and loud to get their attention. I am rewarded with a wide-eyed look of "where the heck did she come from?" I shoot them a look of "keep your dang eyes open when you drive!"
The only thing I can figure out is, due to it's color, my vehicle is invisible. I apparently drive Wonderwoman's SUV.
I'm careful about using my honker! This summer my daughter and I were in a line of traffic that was honking and going around a person stopped at a green light. We passed by and saw that the driver was passed out - slumped over the wheel! Nobody but us stopped to help this woman, and then people were honking at us to get out of their way while we were calling 911!
i wish my car horn sounded like when you clear your throat, like "ah hem. 'scuse me." i rarely use it but I'm similar to you kelley. it hurts my feelings!!
Not only do I honk, but I'll lean over & honk for my husband if I feel the situation needs it. lol. Rarely at a stop light, but mostly when people are driving sucky & they pull out in front of me or cross the yellow line too near me. Now, being AT I do not like and it'll tick me off. Who do they think they are? I'M the good driver!
I am only a honker when some jackwagon is in the fast lane doing under the speed limit. Oh that pisses me off.
I hate when I "accidentally" honk my horn and the driver in front of me gives me dirty looks in his rear-view mirror. lol
lol I have been "known" to honk a time or two.
But it always embarrasses me after the fact and I want to get away from the driver.
I honk if someone either starts crossing over the line into my lane OR if they are at a light that is changing to green and are clearly rummaging through their purse, texting, lighting a cigarette, yelling at their kids or daydreaming about a life time supply of Kit Kat bars. Not that I would EVER honk at you!
I am not as horny as your husband, but I have been known to lay on that thing a time or two. Only when I get really ticked though. Never at a red light.
Funny post, Kelley. You have quite the unique view of culture.
I'm the honker of the family. Hubby forgets the horn exists. But to be fair, I give the horn more of a love tap than a monkey bump. :)
Jaylene and Maylene need to be added to your list of coworkers. ----->
They'll be highly offended, if you forget to add them, but they're so sweet that they'd never tell you that you hurt their feelings. Best to ask them over for tea and crumpets to make it all better. ;)
Are you Canadian?
P.S. This was funny.
I'm on your side. I feel so guilty when I use my horn, and even worse if someone honks at me!!! My boyfriend is on your husband's side, though.
I am the TRAFFIC AVENGER, insisting on courteous and safe driving, even if I have to almost rear-end someone to make my point.
Mostly I honk if someone on the road scares me. Which is every day. I live in the land of bonehead drivers. For real.
But if I hear a honk I ALWAYS assume it's for me. Because it's all about me. Even when it's bad.
heh!
I usually tap the horn if someone is taking to long at a green light. I try not to do it in a angry way (if that is possible) because I have been distracted once or twice and not noticed the light had changed.
However, every now and then, someone does something so rude or stupid, like being in the left lane at a red light, discovering they need to be in the center lane and making the rest of us miss the green arrow because he (or she) wants to correct their error by waiting with their turn signal on, waiting for traffic to clear so they can get over. I REALLY honk then. I can not tolerate rudeness!
OMG HILARIOUS! So true, so true. However honking does not make me sad it evokes anger in me. Unless I was really wrong like in your lane or something.
And I soo hope you review your comments because guess what I got going on as of yesterday here in Fuquay NC??? Dairy Queen/ORANGE JULIUS!!
WINNING!
I love this one. But, honey, no honking?? That's like not breathing to me! I probably honk more than I use my flicker. That's hillbilly talk for blinker.
God knows you're not getting a driving shift when the van pulls up.
"An ugly outside cry going". I love that line.
I am both a hooker and a honker.
I, too, feel the unstoppable urge to apologize when I've resorted to the honk.
Why is that?
Suckers. That's what we are.
Suckers who cry on the outside. It's not pretty. Or helpful to anyone.
Like hookers.
Loved this post, great topic! I think there is a cultural aspect to use of the horn, even within the United States. When I lived in San Francisco for two years, I was shocked at how almost nobody would ever use their horn -- everyone was too polite. I noticed it as soon as I moved there from NYC. In NYC, of course, if you don't move at a green light within 1/1000th of a second, the cab behind you beeps. I'm good at giving the middle finger in the rearview mirror, there's an art to it!
I do honk - but too late. i always panic at the time and can't find the damned thing (yes the whole of my steering wheel is the horn button).
I get too flustered and honk two minutes later when I've calmed, which usually confuses the hell out of some innocent driver near by.
I pretty much follow the same honking rules that you do. Only after a very long light and then the guilt immediately sets in.
I'm with you but my wife sadly would side with your hubby. WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!
Kel you need to stay out of New York City where horns are used as much as gas pedals!!! I don't honk as much as my wife does but like you, I think a couple of taps is about right for most minor offenses. No big deal! W.C.C.
Yes. Sorry. I'm a honker. I honked twice today; once to prevent a truck backing up from backing up further and making a huge dent in my car. The second time was out of impatience with someone sitting at a green light. Yes, I'm "that girl."
Born and raised in LA- I use my horn whenever and wherever. It is just one of those things that has to be done.
Yep. I'm a honker. But only when death is staring me in the face. But I know EXACTLY what you mean when someone honks at you. It's such a slap. I mean, how DARE they? I'm not a bad driver, right? I mean, am I?
Loved this, Kelley. One of my faves.
I swear my husband and I will end up in counseling over our honking habits. I never, ever honk. I get all worried, thinking surely that person must have something very important going on, like the death of a pet, the loss of a job, etc. He honks at everyone driving on HIS road.
I'm pretty sure there's a happy medium in there somewhere.
Thanks for making me laugh on a day that finds me lectured by my MIL. I'd like to honk at her right now.
I'm right there with ya. Def not a honker — however, sometimes a "honk-ee" (aka. One that gets honked at). Take the other day for example, just trying to merge and some stinkin' teenager honked and showed me her new fingernail polish. Seriously, pink is not her color.
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