Can I get a barstool & sit at the buffet table?

Johnny Paycheck, my Weight
Watchers spokesperson.

Three years ago I sat within the Weight Watchers meeting walls wondering what in the heck happened to me. Part of me knew, as I had just delivered a baby a few months before. Slowly, I was able to leave the four walled prison and was so happy on my last day there. I probably laughed hysterically while belting out my version of Johnny Paycheck's 1978 hit. For miles around, you could have heard me belting out "TAKE YOUR POINTS AND SHOVE IT!!! I ain't countin' points no more. My weight done left and took all the reasons, I was countin' points for!" as I slammed the door behind me and ingested a whole box of donuts before arriving to my car parked 10 feet away.

But, I'm back. I turned 36 last week and have noticed that sticking to my goal weight is going to take some work. I don't want to lose that much, but even losing 5% to 10% of your body weight is tough stuff! This time around, I am going to keep that dadgum weight off. Bathing suits are already jumping on me and I'm not liking it. It shouldn't take me THAT long to reach my weight goal if I stay on the course of eating Spinach & Turkey Stew, Turkey & Spinach Sandwiches and Turkey with a side of Spinach topped off with Spinach, as long as I keep attending those dangblasted meetings.

The meetings.

The meetings are all centered around a discussion of points in one way or 'nother. The deal with the points is this: the less you have to lose the less points you get for the day. The maximum number of points is 71 and the lowest is 29. So, if you only have 5-10 pounds or so to lose to reach your ideal weight, you are only getting 29 points, sister. If you have never been to a WW meeting, let me give you a snapshot of what it is like at one of mine. As I sat there hysterically crying over only being allotted 29 miserable points, I was also...

#1: Hearing Betty Lee drone on and on about being an "emotional eater";

#2: Getting my hopes up when they say it is okay to sneak in some French fries or slice of pizza here and there. I never really hear the "here and there" part and end up parking my barstool AT the pizza buffet table right after a Weight Watchers meeting. "Hey! Hands off, buster! Order from the menya!!! This is MAAAAAHHN!!!!" Chompchompchompchompchompchomp...DEEEEEP BREATH....chompchompchompchompchompchomp.

#2: Watching my instructor try her hand at stand-up comedy. She has got the chicken walk and talk DOWN, folks. "Chicken, chicken, chicken!! We all get tired of eating chicken, chicken, chicken! SQUAAAAAAAAAWK!!! Cluck, cluck, cluck, SQUAAAAAWK!!!" (Now picture lots of middle-aged women just getting lost in a giggle fit).

The Little Dude ingesting loads of Olestra.

#4: Feeling guilty that as I learn to eat on 29 stinkin' points a day (an order of Pad Thai is 29 stinkin' points), I'm fattening up my kid so that he'll keep his yapper shut. If the little dude keeps saying "I want to go bye-bye", I'll never really grasp how to put the fork down. At the last meeting, he scarfed down two small bags of WW barbecue rice cake chips and one small bag of WW caramel and cinnamon rice cakes. Oh, he also had a Tootsie Roll and some Sweet Tarts. When the meeting was over, Director Skinny Squawker came over and told me that she hoped my son was alright later. She whispered loudly, "Those have Olestra in them!" , which means I may have to repaint the bathroom later.

Were all those lentils worth it, Jenny?
www.oprah.com

#5: Being disappointed that I will never actually see Jennifer Hudson. I was pelted with about 20 rice cakes at the first meeting after singing, "There's NO way, nonononononononono way, I'm leaving here without seeing her....And I'm telling YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU (we got a LOT of people in those WW meetings) and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU...I am not leaving here without seeing Jennifer Huuuuu-huuuudson". Okay, I guess I am. Ouch.

If that bathing suit and I aren't good friends in a couple of months, I'm showing up at the local waterpark in this number...

www.crissypage.com

27 comments:

Oilfield Trash said... [Reply]: Oh girl you are killing my side here with laughter. I so love your sense of humor.; April 27, 2011 at 3:07 PM
Kristina P. said... [Reply]: Is it just me or does Jennifer Hudson totally look like a bobblehead now? Does it count if you think about how many points it would have been had you not eaten an entire tub of macaroni salad?; April 27, 2011 at 3:15 PM
Kate said... [Reply]: Dude. (And I don't say that lightly). The only time I think the Shariah people have the right idea are when it come to swimsuits.

You'd think with all the running and cycling I do that I'd look like Jennifer Hudson's after, but not so much. If only I didn't love food so much. I feel your pain...and I'll eat your leftovers. :); April 27, 2011 at 3:16 PM
XLMIC said... [Reply]: Somehow I don't think that blue suit would be all that flattering...

I love this! And I don't even have a weight issue... lol Don't throw rice cakes at me... I might eat them ;-)

I have a really great program you could try. Let me know if you are interested. This is serious. No joke. Just email me if you want to hear about it.; April 27, 2011 at 3:24 PM
Jennifer said... [Reply]: You know, before she had some va-va-va-voom, now she kind of looks like a skeleton. Or is that just me?; April 27, 2011 at 3:26 PM
Heidi (lilmommyfoofoo) said... [Reply]: My favorite part?

"Director Skinny Squawker"

Kelley, you are one of my favorite people I just met. You always make me laugh!; April 27, 2011 at 3:50 PM
Car Title Loans said... [Reply]: I've never actually done Weight Watchers, but my Mom did and said it was awful the first few months. Though, those points apparently go up after you start dropping some numbers. Stick it through! And stick it to those skinny people who don't have to work for anything.
-Ava; April 27, 2011 at 3:52 PM
Cheeseboy said... [Reply]: That suit looks like something a Utah polygamist lady would wear. And her husband really would sing, "And I'm telling you, and you, and you, and you, and you, and you, and you" because all of the women he would have to tell.

29 points? That's like Kobe Bryant's career average and he is the leading scorer in the NBA. So live and eat it up friend!

("Here and there" pretty much means "everywhere" in my book. I mean, what other places are there besides here and there. So, pretty much freedom to eat whatever you want.); April 27, 2011 at 4:28 PM
Annabelle said... [Reply]: Oh sweet and thoroughly covered heavens- that bathing suite is hilarious !; April 27, 2011 at 4:47 PM
WhisperingWriter said... [Reply]: I laughed so hard at this.

I may need to wear that bathing suit.; April 27, 2011 at 5:24 PM
the mombshell said... [Reply]: -sigh- that's the suit I wear to baby girl's swim lessons because there is another mom who wears a string bikini and sits crossed legged in it! Who does that!?; April 27, 2011 at 6:40 PM
Jackie said... [Reply]: :::sigh::: I need to do something...soon or else I'm going to need to start shopping at a tent awning store.
I've heard great things about WW... my question is what happens when you meet your goal weight?; April 27, 2011 at 9:19 PM
Elz said... [Reply]: Ha! HA! Bathingsuit burkas for everyone.; April 27, 2011 at 9:42 PM
Lazarus said... [Reply]: My fave was the photo of Johnny Paycheck and the caption...sort of subtle, but really not, and totally hilarious nonetheless!; April 27, 2011 at 9:59 PM
Logical Libby said... [Reply]: Jennifer Hudson got paid to lose weight. See, if I had to make my living losing weight, I could do it too.

Yeah, I know, but it makes me feel better.; April 27, 2011 at 9:59 PM
The Empress said... [Reply]: HYSTERICAL!

This one? KILLED ME.

My 2nd fave after korean nail lady.; April 27, 2011 at 10:05 PM
Desperate Housemommy said... [Reply]: Hey, now...take it easy on your instructor. Because you and I both know that a solidly executed chicken walk is nothing short of gut-busting hilarious.; April 28, 2011 at 12:27 PM
Yvonne said... [Reply]: Kelley! You crack me up woman! I've been considering joining WW myself. I need to lose a million pounds! Ok, not a million, but it feels like that. I just don't get the whole point thing!; April 28, 2011 at 12:59 PM
Jack said... [Reply]: I got kicked out of Weight Watchers for telling the instructor that she was fatter than me and that therefore I would be taking over.

So much for my New Years Resolution to be kinder and gentler.; April 28, 2011 at 3:01 PM
FranceRants said... [Reply]: Do you know if that suit comes in red, because I think it would go better with my skin tone. And black car.; April 28, 2011 at 4:39 PM
Lightning Bug's Butt said... [Reply]: Hi Kelley. Yeah, we do MBS's every weekend -- even some Sundays.; April 28, 2011 at 5:18 PM
Rawknrobyn.blogspot.com said... [Reply]: Kelley, you are gorgeous -however many points you swallow up each day. Kudos to you for taking care of yourself and belated happy birthday!
xoRobyn; April 28, 2011 at 8:02 PM
Queen Mahin said... [Reply]: Ah, the lovely burkini. I actually kind of like this idea... seems like it would take the pressue off.; April 29, 2011 at 2:39 PM
1 Funky Woman said... [Reply]: Hey girl we can comisserate together. I joined WW a couple weeks ago and I too have 29 points. I might still have to borrow you burka for the pool if you don't mind. My luck even if I think I look ok, I'll sit by the gal in the thong!

I'm thinking Jennifer looks too skinny don't you?

Megan; May 1, 2011 at 8:32 AM
leighann said... [Reply]: My WW meetings are awesome! But I think that's rare.
I've lost 26.5lbs so far.
Go girl!; May 1, 2011 at 12:20 PM
Poppy said... [Reply]: I want to know what costs more, the olestra chips or the extra TP?

and from one WW alum to another, "nothing tastes as good as thin feels"!; May 4, 2011 at 8:38 AM
Melinda said... [Reply]: Kelley hang in there. I did the points years ago. It really was good...except occasionally when I would use up 17 of 27 points by 10am and be like I don't care I'm splurging...then then by 10:30 I'd wonder how I was going to make it the rest of the day. That's when I would eat the free points condiments for lunch and go to sleep at 6pm so the next day would come faster to start over. :) Good luck!; May 5, 2011 at 12:46 AM