Can I get a barstool & sit at the buffet table?

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Johnny Paycheck, my Weight
Watchers spokesperson.

Three years ago I sat within the Weight Watchers meeting walls wondering what in the heck happened to me.  Part of me knew, as I had just delivered a baby a few months before. Slowly, I was able to leave the four walled prison and was so happy on my last day there.  I probably laughed hysterically while belting out my version of Johnny Paycheck’s 1978 hit.  For miles around, you could have heard me belting out “TAKE YOUR POINTS AND SHOVE IT!!!  I ain’t countin’ points no more.  My weight done left and took all the reasons, I was countin’ points for!” as I slammed the door behind me and ingested a whole box of donuts before arriving to my car parked 10 feet away. 

But, I’m back.  I turned 36 last week and have noticed that sticking to my goal weight is going to take some work.  I don’t want to lose that much, but even losing 5% to 10% of your body weight is tough stuff!  This time around, I am going to keep that dadgum weight off.  Bathing suits are already jumping on me and I’m not liking it.  It shouldn’t take me THAT long to reach my weight goal if I stay on the course of eating Spinach & Turkey Stew, Turkey & Spinach Sandwiches and Turkey with a side of Spinach topped off with Spinach, as long as I keep attending those dangblasted meetings.

The meetings.

 The meetings are all centered around a discussion of points in one way or ‘nother.  The deal with the points is this: the less you have to lose the less points you get for the day.  The maximum number of points is 71 and the lowest is 29.  So, if you only have 5-10 pounds or so to lose to reach your ideal weight, you are only getting 29 points, sister.  If you have never been to a WW meeting, let me give you a snapshot of what it is like at one of mine.  As I sat there hysterically crying over only being allotted 29 miserable points, I was also…

#1: Hearing Betty Lee drone on and on about being an “emotional eater”;

#2: Getting my hopes up when they say it is okay to sneak in some French fries or slice of pizza here and there.  I never really hear the “here and there” part and end up parking my barstool AT the pizza buffet table right after a Weight Watchers meeting.  “Hey!  Hands off, buster!  Order from the menya!!!  This is MAAAAAHHN!!!!” Chompchompchompchompchompchomp…DEEEEEP BREATH….chompchompchompchompchompchomp.

#2: Watching my instructor try her hand at stand-up comedy. She has got the chicken walk and talk DOWN, folks. “Chicken, chicken, chicken!! We all get tired of eating chicken, chicken, chicken! SQUAAAAAAAAAWK!!! Cluck, cluck, cluck, SQUAAAAAWK!!!” (Now picture lots of middle-aged women just getting lost in a giggle fit).



The Little Dude ingesting loads of Olestra.
#4: Feeling guilty that as I learn to eat on 29 stinkin’ points a day (an order of Pad Thai is 29 stinkin’ points), I’m fattening up my kid so that he’ll keep his yapper shut. If the little dude keeps saying “I want to go bye-bye”, I’ll never really grasp how to put the fork down.  At the last meeting, he scarfed down two small bags of WW barbecue rice cake chips and one small bag of WW caramel and cinnamon rice cakes.  Oh, he also had a Tootsie Roll and some Sweet Tarts.  When the meeting was over, Director Skinny Squawker came over and told me that she hoped my son was alright later.  She whispered loudly, “Those have Olestra in them!” , which means I may have to repaint the bathroom later.

Were all those lentils worth it, Jenny?
www.oprah.com
 #5: Being disappointed that I will never actually see Jennifer Hudson. I was pelted with about 20 rice cakes at the first meeting after singing, “There’s NO way, nonononononononono way, I’m leaving here without seeing her….And I’m telling YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU (we got a LOT of people in those WW meetings) and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU…I am not leaving here without seeing Jennifer Huuuuu-huuuudson”.  Okay, I guess I am.  Ouch.
If that bathing suit and I aren’t good friends in a couple of months, I’m showing up at the local waterpark in this number…

www.crissypage.com

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