Do you know someone who is addicted to milk? Do you know what it is like to watch milk slowly vanish from a container only to have no milk to back it up? Do you know how it feels to look into the eyes of a person who desperately needs milk for his cereal...only to find none? There are some weeks when the milk supply slips away before the milk addict can get to the store. This guide to help you cope with the milk addict in your life, as we all know the first step to dealing with an emotional wreck is to understand that emotional wreck.
THE 5 EMOTIONAL STAGES
OF A MILK ADDICT
STAGE 1: EUPHORIC = 2 gallons
Life is absolutely FANTASTIC!! I got milk, people! I got TWO gallons of that mess all up in my fridge! I think I'll have some Fruity Pebbles this morning AND tonight, SUCKAS! Does anyone want to change things up and put milk in your water guns? We've got plenty! Who wants to have a milk balloon fight? This is gonna be AWESOME! Can I get you a glass of milk to go with your milk? Your plants thirsty?
 |
| The guy from Office Space |
Wooohooo!! That milk jug still looks pretty full! Hey, neighbor with the new baby, come over here and fill your pitcher up with some of my 2% for that thirsty little thing! Is that little milk guzzler still crying? I'll tell you what, take the rest of the gallon. Sure!! Hey, I've got a heart...AND a whole other gallon of milk in there. Check it out! Still almost full! GOOOOOO MILK!!!! [This is where the milk addict MAY do a back-flip and misjudge the space in the kitchen resulting in severe bruising & a tad bit of head trauma & may end up resembling that guy up there from Office Space]
STAGE 3: PANICKED = 1 gallon
There's only one gallon in there. There's only one gallon in there. There's only one gallon in there. There's only one gallon in there. Gotta go easy on the Ovaltine. Gotta go easy on the Ovaltine. Son, are you using milk to dip your watercolor brushes in? Alright, we gotta stop that mess. The 2 gallon life of luxury is no more, son! It's no moooooore!! When can I go to the store? When can I go to the store? What, son? You want some chocolate milk? Alright, alright, alright. Grab the Ovaltine and the top of the toothpaste cap and I'll whip you some up.
There's only one gallon in there. There's only one gallon in there. There's only one gallon in there. There's only one gallon in there. Gotta go easy on the Ovaltine. Gotta go easy on the Ovaltine. Son, are you using milk to dip your watercolor brushes in? Alright, we gotta stop that mess. The 2 gallon life of luxury is no more, son! It's no moooooore!! When can I go to the store? When can I go to the store? What, son? You want some chocolate milk? Alright, alright, alright. Grab the Ovaltine and the top of the toothpaste cap and I'll whip you some up.
STAGE 4: AN ABSOLUTE SHELL OF A PERSON = 1/2 gallon
You might as well hang it up. This is gone by the end of the stinkin' day. The stinkin' day!!! I don't have time to go by the store for more milk right now. How can I make this stretch? Kids, strain your Cinnamon Toast Crunch from your old cereal milk, get a funnel and put that white gold in the refrigerator! Hide it behind the pickles!
STAGE 5: IN NEED OF A TRANQUILIZER SHOT = the....last...5....drops
No milk?!?! [loud wailing and gnashing of teeth begin] Five drops! Five (sob) drops (sob)? I don't care. Put the edge of that Oreo in the little milk puddle and let me enjoy the bliss for a second or two. Why didn't we get milk before now? [continues to loudly wail]
No milk?!?! [loud wailing and gnashing of teeth begin] Five drops! Five (sob) drops (sob)? I don't care. Put the edge of that Oreo in the little milk puddle and let me enjoy the bliss for a second or two. Why didn't we get milk before now? [continues to loudly wail]
For the love of Oreos, don't let the milk addict in your life get to the last 5 drops. Please. Go by the store for them & remember my motto: When in doubt, clear the milk shelf out.
**This topic was covered on my blog about a year ago, so if you've read me since then, this may look familiar!**
22 comments:
Milka-what?
Love this post!!!!
Oh my goodness! I used to be a milk addict! In fact, when I was young and stupid, and just starting out in social work, I was sitting in a substance abuse group of teenage addicts.
They were asked their drug of choice, and like a dumb**s, I said milk. I thought they were going to stab me!
Ha that's funny but I can't relate...I can't believe I'm even confessing this...I'm not and have never been a milk drinker...I know...I eat my cereal dry..
I hope we can still be friends!
Lmbo I use to be a milk addict. Whole milk was what did it for me. I could not get enough whole milk. Then my butt started growing so I had to back down to 1% milk. It is just not the same :-(
This was me when I was prego - I guzzle 8 glorious ounces in one breathe! Wow, that could really be misconstrued.....
I love me some milky milk!
My wife freaks with about half a gallon left. I mean freaks.
ROFL!!! i know what you mean we go thru a 4L daily!! sick!
Ya know...I hate milk. Gives me gass. And another useless tid bit of information for you...Milk in the USofA is way cheaper than in Canada. We go to you for milk. Kind of like how you come to us for drugs...
OH. DEAR. GOD.
Yet another reason why I don't hate you: milk addicts unite!!!!!
Hmmm...if you substitute alcohol in there for milk, you might be describing my household...
Jesus Christ on a cracker. Milk addiction sounds like a strong addiction than crack or even Angry Birds. Here's the future intervention on the milk addict in your life.
I know not of what you speak, unless it's chocolate milk. I love all the details you put into your post, along with the perfectly obscure but appropriate photos.
Hope you're well, Kelley.
xoRobyn
I feel so left out when people make Office Space references... Gosh!
I could insert Coke into your milky milk scenario, and that would be me. And, no, I don't mean the illegal stuff, either. I mean the all-American, perfectly chilled in a cheerful red can stuff.
AHAHAHAAAAAAA! Oh where do I BEGIN! You are FUNNY. Not funny weird. Funny HA HA. and also maybe a little Funny wierd.
I'm laughing tears of joy over here. SOMEONE ELSE UNDERSTANDS MY PLIGHT! But there is no use crying over spilled milk, is there? I'll surely have to pick up some more in the morning...
Put that while gold in the refrigerator.
I love you.
I don't know anyone who loves milk that much. Diet Coke, however, is the life blood of my company.
Milk always makes me think of udders. And I'm not a fan of udder shudders. Cow teats either. But hey, my cereal isn't going to moisten itself...
This is how I feel about ddiet pepsi actually :)
Best line: I got TWO gallons of that mess all up in my fridge.
I'm going to use that to describe mine now.
Do you really use Ovaltine?
I am one of the a fore-mentioned people you speak of. I LOVE milk. LOVE IT!
My BFF and her husband always buy this fancy scmanchy organic milk that comes in a glass bottle and costs like $10/bottle. One time I came to visit and I realized they had switched to normal milk- they said they bought me my own gallon of regular milk since I drink so much of it.
I felt a little bad...
Two gallons of milk is euphoria? I drink close to 2 gallons a day, so euphoria for me is more like 6-8 gallons
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