Today We Salute You, Ms. Limited-English-Speaking-Nail-Salon-Lady!!

All the nail salon ladies of the world should be saluted, no doubt, but the LIMITED ENGLISH SPEAKING ones are getting all the praise today. (The ladies that have been saluted in the past here in the Break Room can be found under "Today, We Salute YOU" tab in the navigation bar.) Many of you are likely familiar with Anjelah Johnson's hilarious salute to her nail salon lady. If not, you'll most definitely want to click HERE. It makes me laugh out loud every time!!

I thought these hearts were appropriate for this month.
http://www.weddingcometrue.com/

Kelley’s Break Room presents…

Re-l Wom-n of G-nius

(the dashes are being used due to a copyright issue)

Reeeeeeeeee------llllllll Wom--------n of G------------niuuu-uuuus!!!

Today we salute YOU, Ms. Limited English Speaking Nail Salon Lady.

(Ms. Limited English Speaking Nail Salon Laaayhaaaaydeh!!!)

It’s 4 p.m. inside the three white and one glass wall of your nail salon situated in a busy strip center and you couldn’t be happier. You chatter happily with your sister, your cousin, your 8-year-old daughter and the one token male who wanders around with his squirt bottle hoping to kill all the germs Mrs. Humongous Fungus Among Us just left in the pedicure bath.

(I-don’t-think-that-squirt-bottle-is-gonna-cut-it)

No matter how many heels made of solid rock you go after with your cheese grater, you keep smiling. You keep smiling as you cradle their gnarly feet in your hands and try to make their rocks succumb to your chisel. You keep smiling as you clip, clip, clip, clip, clip, clip, clip, clip, clip, clip, clip, clip, clip, clip, clip, clip, clip, clip, clip, clip, clip, clip, clip, clip, clip, clip away at their sometimes thick, yellowed, ingrown TOENAILS that sometimes set sail.....right…into…your…mouth.

(Somebody pass me a tooooooooothpiiiiiiiiick!!!!!!!)

As you paint Hot Red Mama on toenails the size of half-Tic Tacs, you are able to keep one eye on Maury Povich blaring on the TV and one eye on the prize all while sweetly calling over your shoulder “I be ri wi you” to Ms. Grumpy Chipped Nails waiting on the black leather couch with her outdated People magazine. That bell keeps clanging on the glass door that broadcasts “NO CHECK!” and you know it’s going to be a loooooong afternoon. Still, you smile.

(I-really-could-use-a-Tic-Tac)

So, crack open a new package of nail files, Ms. Limited English Speaking Nail Salon Lady, and know that you and YOUR SMILE are the REAL reason we return to your nail salon over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over again.

Ms. Limited English Speaking Nail Salon Laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyhaaaaaaaaaydehhhhhhhh.....

39 comments:

Kristina P. said... [Reply]: This reminds me, it's time for a pedicure!! Love non-English Asian lady!; February 23, 2011 at 9:29 AM
Mommy Lisa said... [Reply]: OMG that is so FUNNY! Describes my place to a T.

True story, I took my daughter in with me, she was about to turn five and told her she could have her nails painted. The two limited English Nail Salon Ladies seemed to "argue" over who would get stuck with the kid....

Little did they know this was not my child's first turn at the rodeo.

She gets them at home from her sister who is 18 and she has had three manicures and her toes painted two other times. ;) They only charge $6 for her so what the heck.

When we were leaving they were GUSHING over how cute and good she was.; February 23, 2011 at 9:48 AM
Kristen said... [Reply]: Do you live in my town and go to my nail salon?? You hit the nail on the HEAD or um TOE!! I love it!!! So TRUE!! I have a weird fascination with these people. I want to live a day in the life, I really do....; February 23, 2011 at 9:49 AM
Raquel's World said... [Reply]: LOVED IT!!!!; February 23, 2011 at 10:07 AM
Oilfield Trash said... [Reply]: This cracks me up. No one speaks the English these days. Lawn crews speak Spanish. Nail place ladies speak Korean. All the seafood places speak Vietnamese. I speak drunk southerner. Where will it end.

Great post by the way.; February 23, 2011 at 10:17 AM
Yvonne said... [Reply]: Ha! I LOVE my nail salon lady! I don't care that she talks about my ugly feet to her coworkers in her native tongue! I especially love the foot massages she gives me too! :) I love her long time!!!; February 23, 2011 at 10:21 AM
Allison said... [Reply]: Perfectly accurate! Now I need to go get a pedicure. . .; February 23, 2011 at 10:22 AM
Dazee Dreamer said... [Reply]: omg, you were so right on with this one; February 23, 2011 at 10:31 AM
vickilikesfrogs said... [Reply]: My nail tech is a guy named (swear to God) Martin Tran and he says...I make your nails pretty like you! And that's why I love him.; February 23, 2011 at 11:05 AM
Saimi said... [Reply]: Salute, salute I love a good pedicure! Three cheers for the Limited English Nail Salon Ladies!!; February 23, 2011 at 11:16 AM
Carol said... [Reply]: How do you do it? This is hilarious...although the nail in the mouth image nearly made me hurl. ick! This post could double in the "crappy jobs no one wants to do" cateogry too!; February 23, 2011 at 11:26 AM
kmcaffee said... [Reply]: Hilarious!! I soooo needed this today, you have no idea! And I seriously have seen a toenail fly into a mouth before - I almost threw up and peed my pants at the same time, I was laughing so hard!; February 23, 2011 at 1:53 PM
Joey @ Big Teeth and Clouds said... [Reply]: I've never had a manicure. This makes it seem so whimsical. Perhaps I should give it a try.; February 23, 2011 at 2:28 PM
Lindsay said... [Reply]: The best post! I just went for Valentine's Day and was dying to know what the ladies were saying about me :D; February 23, 2011 at 3:01 PM
Lana D said... [Reply]: Well, there's a "Dirty Job" for Mike Rowe!! That's an episode I would really love to watch! lol; February 23, 2011 at 3:02 PM
Cheeseboy said... [Reply]: Ha ha! It's like awesomeness on top of a ice cream sunday. My favorite line was the Maury Povich. Why do these ladies love that junk. And further, why is Maury Povich still on? I have a feeling he wouldn't be if it weren't for hair and nail salons.; February 23, 2011 at 3:40 PM
Leighann said... [Reply]: LOL hilarious!! My favorite line: "Mrs. Humongous Fungus Among Us"
The salon I go to plays ABBA. Non. Stop.; February 23, 2011 at 3:42 PM
XLMIC said... [Reply]: Love it!

I've only been in one nail salon... and it wasn't in an English-speaking country... it was in Cuba. lol It was so weird.; February 23, 2011 at 3:59 PM
Lightning Bug's Butt said... [Reply]: That's a fine shout-out to nail techs with limited English.

I was thinking about being a nail tech. But I noticed that all the men were Asian. There went me dreams in a flash.; February 23, 2011 at 5:34 PM
Jackie said... [Reply]: Now I know what the problem is! I should have gone to a salon where they speak very little English! Maybe then they wouldn't have screwed up my nails!; February 23, 2011 at 7:20 PM
Deborah said... [Reply]: You have described every single salon I've had my feetzies done in. EVERY ONE!

So funny.; February 23, 2011 at 7:32 PM
Liz said... [Reply]: FABULOUS "play" on this commercial!!; February 23, 2011 at 8:44 PM
SoMo Mom said... [Reply]: You crack me up. I'm actually heading to the nail salon tomorrow w/my mother in law so I'll be sure to salute "Tammy." :); February 23, 2011 at 10:01 PM
Erin I'm Gonna Kill Him said... [Reply]: You really did just describe every Asian nail place I've ever been to. God I hate it when I get the 8 year old administered mani-pedi special. She's always painting Bieber faces on my nails.

Love this!!!; February 23, 2011 at 10:42 PM
Morgan B. said... [Reply]: I'm pretty sure you and I go to the same nail place. The description of the one token guy with the spray bottle was spot on.; February 23, 2011 at 11:00 PM
A Beer for the Shower said... [Reply]: Even as a straight man, I find this hilarious.

Happily following and supporting.; February 24, 2011 at 2:06 AM
ISRAEL CARRASCO said... [Reply]: So funny I was going to send you the Angela Johnson bit. I'm an expert at speaking "Asian" Foh' example I went to a Chinese restaurant oonce and asked for "red sauce"
"Uh"
"Do you have hot sauce?"
THEN I GOT ASIAN
"You have red spicy?"
"Ahhhhhhh"
I got my red spicy.; February 24, 2011 at 2:17 AM
Olivia said... [Reply]: Girl... thanks for making me laugh!!! Love ya!!; February 24, 2011 at 8:04 AM
Copyboy said... [Reply]: Sadly I don't take part in this ritual, but I'm still LMAOing just the same. Love the tic tac toes. Better save that for your standup career!; February 24, 2011 at 9:59 AM
Monkey Man said... [Reply]: Clipped my toe nails this morning. Actually did it without the help of a non-English Speaking Asian.; February 24, 2011 at 12:41 PM
the mrs said... [Reply]: I. DIED. LAUGHING.

Your best work.

"RIGHT INTO YOUR MOUTH!"

I just died.; February 24, 2011 at 1:04 PM
Rawknrobyn.blogspot.com said... [Reply]: I agree. "Right into your mouth" was the best line. Yuck. Great tribute, Kelley.
Years ago, I went for a pedicure and the salon worker cut into my toe. I haven't gotten one since, and I don't salute that particular worker (well, I do, but not in a nice way). The others deserve applause.
xoRobyn; February 24, 2011 at 1:29 PM
The Flying Chalupa said... [Reply]: I am both totally disgusted and totally in love with this post. Mrs. Humungous Fungus Among Us? Brilliant. Only to be bested by the yellow toe nail sailing into her mouth. Wow. Funny shit.

I love Limited English Speaking Nail Salon Lady. But I'm fairly certain she's making fun of me to her cousin on the other side of the room.; February 24, 2011 at 4:23 PM
Mom Went Crazy said... [Reply]: oh good sweet lord. That made me laugh way too hard. I was super stressed today and that just took a load off! I needed that "break." Get it? huh? huh?; February 24, 2011 at 8:20 PM
Kimberly said... [Reply]: I remember this one time I went to a salon and te woman pulled out some gadget that looked very antique and infected with god knows what...I asked her if it was cleaned between uses and she was all "Yesh, yesh. Clean feet" and I was all "no is that think clean?" and she said "Yesh. Yeah. Clean feet" then I thought "Fuck it" and let her have her way with my toes and surprisingly, I survived.; February 24, 2011 at 10:20 PM
DebbieM said... [Reply]: hahahahahah AWESOME!~; February 24, 2011 at 11:59 PM
Wendi said... [Reply]: Well, as I learned last week, my nail salon lady doesn't know a lot of English besides "grody footy."; February 26, 2011 at 2:24 PM
Melinda said... [Reply]: I read this post while sitting in the nail salon waiting. It was all I could do not to look crazy and LOL! I tried to comment from there but I guess their internet wouldn't translate. I love saying yes to the incomprehensible question "Would you like a *garbled service I can't understand*?" I say yes simply for the excitement of not knowing what I'm getting.; February 28, 2011 at 8:55 AM
Scary Mommy said... [Reply]: The last time I got my nails done, I forgot to shave and was in ROUGH shape. The nail techs were totally talking about me and making no effort to mask the fact. It's a good thing I don't care!; March 9, 2011 at 8:53 PM