My husband LOVES, LOVES, LOVES, LOVES, LOVES football. You hear me? Loves it. He went to the Super Bowl the year Michael Jackson performed and still has the dang seat cushion from it. I have two little boys. I’m sure they will love it. Me? I like the fourth quarter mostly. However, I feel like I have learned a lot more about football in the last few years. I wanted to prove to my husband that I can hang with the football lingo, especially given that the Super Bowl is coming up. I can be an active, intelligent participant in the football watching experience on Sunday! He doesn’t believe me. I never have been before. During the football games in high school, I was getting ready to kick on the 50-yard line at halftime, cheering in the stands or just talking. In college, I stood beside him during the long,long, long, long, long, loooooooooooong games and wondered why everybody wouldn’t just sit the heck down already. So, naturally, he doesn’t believe that I have increased my football knowledge AT ALL and made me a quiz to see if I could back up my smack with facts.
I’m pretty sure I failed. The only thing that would make me feel any better at all is if you are more ignorant than me. Are you? Are you? You are right? Right?
FOOTBALL QUIZ: ARE YOU IGNORANT LIKE ME?
#1 What is a naked bootleg?
Ummmmmm…it’s a football play? It’s a football play where the offensive players are in a bootleg shape as they run around the field aaaaaaaaaand they’re naked? Okay, I’m being serious. I want to try to give serious answers here. An offensive player runs around the defensive player in a bootleg shape? No idea why “naked” is being brought into this one. So vulgar!
#2 What is a tailback?
He’s the person that runs behind the quarterback to protect him??????????? It really sounds like a nickname for a dinosaur. Or something disgusting. Let’s stick with the dinosaur. No, go back to my original answer: the person that runs behind the quarterback???
#3 What is the difference between a weak tight end and a strong tight end?
First, what in the HECK is a tight end? I’m guessing it’s an offensive player of some sort. One of the tight ends has completed more Buns O’ Steel sessions? I know. That was a bad joke. Okay, the “strong tight end” is the main guy that is supposed to make the play and the “weak tight end” is his back up?
#4 What is illegal motion?
Got it. This is when everyone is set in their positions but the whistle hasn’t been blown yet or the quarterback or someone hasn’t said “hut hut” or something like that AND SOMEONE MOVES. Am I right or am I right?
#5 What does it mean to be lined up in the neutral zone?
I’m guessing the neutral zone is the sidelines???? Are the trainers lined up in the neutral zone?
#6 What is intentional grounding?
When the referee tells a player he needs to go to the sidelines PRONTO because he’s been a very bad boy. The player has been grounded from the game. Huh? Huh? No? Ummmm….is this when a player throws the football in the dirt to end a play????
#7 What is illegal encroachment?
When one team is getting in the personal space of another team before it’s time to do that mess.
You probably know that you know that you know the answers, right? So, grade yourself:
“A” 5-7 correct answers: You’ll be watching ALL of the Super Bowl and loving most minutes of it. You may throw something across the room. If your team is playing, people have to be careful NOT to hand you small children during a game…or actually anything. If you are a girl, other girls wonder how you got to be so smart. They secretly think you are trying to steal their husbands.
“B” 3-5 correct answers: You think you’re real smart, don’tcha? You sometimes like to brag about your football knowledge, especially if you’re a girl. You still may be asked to provide lots of refills during the game. You are on the fence about what you love most: the commercials or the game.
“F” 0-3 correct answers (ME! ME! ME!): You still aren’t really sure who is even in the Super Bowl. You probably will make chips and dip or brownies or something for the game. You will definitely be asked to provide refills. You will keep coming back into the room to ask if the commercials have been on yet. You like to pretend you are a football fan in the 4th quarter. You may interject a “MAKE ‘EM EAT DIRT, YOU STANKIN’ LOSERS!!!!” You may yell it at the wrong time. You know that a touchdown 6 or 7 points or something like that. You will be wearing a cute shirt on game day. You will get sick of providing refills. You may dump chips in the lap of the person yelling too much.
What grade did you get??