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| Eliza |
This funny post today was written by my high school friend, Eliza. My hope is that anyone who reads this blog today will show Eliza some comment love. I am hoping to convince her to start writing again in her blog, Five Foot Shorts (click to go visit/follow). Eliza started writing it a while ago, but has only written a few posts. The other day she wrote this piece about being stuck in an elevator and featured it as a "note" on Facebook. I cracked up. The blogosphere needs Eliza!
Stuck In The Middle With You
Okay, so the mother of all my fears came to life today at work. Had to go into work early for a meeting and we were relocating to another part of the building to continue the meeting. We stepped into the elevators that I hate, because they are older than the ones in the new wing. They go sooo slow. You can hardly tell if you are moving or not. I always make fun of them and say they are powered by fat hamsters. So, yup, you guessed it. We got stuck.
This is absolutely awful for me, because, besides the fact that I have a history of fainting, I am claustrophobic. So this is a lose-lose situation for me.
My fear is so great that I even have a plan should I ever get stuck in an elevator.
If I am by myself, I will push every damn button in there hoping something might happen. If that fails, then I will push that "Call Button" thing and make the person on the other end stay on the line with me, like a 911 call. I will have him or her pen out my will should I plummet to my unforeseen death. I am always sure to have some sort of candy or gum in my purse. I have to have something to eat. I'm pretty sure I should start permanently carrying ham or maybe jerky around with me.
If I am with another person, I will calmly pull out my elevator survial contract, hand it to the other person and be sure they read and sign it. I can't have someone stealing all my jerky or trying to pee in my designated pee corner, should we get trapped for a prolonged amount of time. They also need to know that the call button is mine! I carry a gel pen with me at all times, as well, and those things are SHARP!!! I will cut you!
Panic instantly set in when I realized we were not moving. The lights stayed on (Thank God!) but we were surely not moving. I had just drank an ass-load of coffee. Sadly, my plan did not include being in there with co-workers nor did it include being in there with more than one person. There were five of us. Five of us and only four corners!! I am not sharing a pee corner! I instantly pushed the call button. I think I might have pulled someone's hair to get to it. I'm not sure. It's really all a blur. It rang and then I felt myself getting all cold and clammy.
Crap.
I'm going down.
My initial instinct was to strip. I figured my nudity would distract my other prisoners from the fact that I was fainting. Just kidding. I only took off my extra sweater and jacket. Thank goodness I had shaved my armpits the night before or I would have been really hot.
Sweet Jesus.
How long have we been in here?
Where is my gel pen?
I started to feel like a Chilean miner. When were they going to start sending in provisions? That is why people die. They wait too long to send them supplies. I'm pretty sure we had already been in there a good two minutes. Someone else had gum and I gladly took it. I am not letting my supply go to waste
Someone said they had to pee, which instantly made me have to poop. I'm going to die.
People started to change the subject. I think I talked about Zumba and how much I hate it. I then had a conversation in my head with myself about whether or not I would be willing to eat my leather jacket, should it come down to it.
We're still in here. It's been about 5 minutes now and I'm positive my family doesn't remember what I look like. We could hear people on the other side, but I'm sure they were just laughing at us.
At about 8-10 minutes, we were free. I instantly hugged the maintenance man who let us out. I smiled when I did it, because I was sure that CNN was going to be covering this.
They weren't.
So now I'm sure he thinks I like him. I wonder if he would clean my house.
Anyway, I'm free now. I survived. I vow to not make in fun of the hamsters anymore. Really, I should vow to take the stairs. Thanks for listening.
I need to go work on my new elevator plan.
26 comments:
If you are going to strip off and pee in the corner after two minutes stuck in a lift, then I suspect there may be a certain section of the Internet that would be very happy to be stuck in a lift with you :-) I'm not signing anything though :-)
I liked this - it reminded me a little of when I was 13 and shared a lift with my then girlfriend, my mate and his girlfriend. My mate said he knew how to jam the lift and proceeded to do so. once it was stopped he immediately began getting on down and funky with his girl. My girl leaned against the wall smiling patiently.
I turned and screamed like a banshee through a crack in the door until someone freed me from the ever shrinking coffin that I was entombed in.
The next day I no longer had a girlfriend - but I was alive!
That was great! She should definitely keep writing! I would follow her blog.
My 3 year old is named Eliza. You don't hear that too often!
WRITE! WRITE! WRITE! WRITE! WRITE!
{Chant like you are screaming, FIGHT! FIGHT!}
Eliza, you are a riot and must continue. I need more people to read that make me laugh outside my voice.
You rock sister!
I was stuck in an elevator for 1.5 minutes when taking my then 18 month old daughter to the pediatrician. That was hell. At least if it came down to it I could have forced her to climb out like a monkey and get help. That's my elevator plan.
Nice writing Eliza - if you write stuff like this on your blog it kind of makes the experience worth it. Kinda.
An elevator plan, what a clever idea...I should start stocking up on ham, beef jerky and gel pens! Great writing, you should definitely resume writing your blog!
Awesome guest post. I liked the story a lot.
This made my day! Truly funny! I'm claustrophobic as well and getting stuck in an elevator is a nightmare of mine. Luckily, I haven't had it happen to me. And I've taken notes! Must.Get.Provisions and put them in my purse for "emergency situations" oh and a gel pen, although, I'm sure the tweezers I carry in there are sharp enough too, but you can never be too prepared! --I hope Eliza writes again! I'd read it!!! :)
Great story!
I can't believe elevators actually get stuck. I thought that just happened in the movies!
I hope you get to blogging again! I'd follow you.
Oh my that was beyond funny!!! She needs to write! A contract << lol!! I think we should organize a sit in on her blog where we aren't going to stop begging until she writes.
I am standing, holding my lighter up a la concert style for Eliza.
Kelley, you should be a talent scout.
Eliza, you should keep writing!
I laughed out loud to this post!!! SOOO funny! Keep it up
I think you need to add carrying an empty coffee cup in your purse at all times just in case. For the pee of course.
OMG That was hilarious!!!
I feel like you need another paragraph in the contract stating the other people in the elevator aren't allowed to go all Donner Party on you if you're the first to go.
I got stuck in an elevator on a church trip once. The people on the outside prayed for us. Um, that ain't getting the elevator moving...unless Jesus was coming down from the heavens with a tool box.
Have you ever had one of those days where you started reading something and the next thing you know your mind is only registering blah, blah, blah.... Well, I'm having one today. I'll have to come back when my attention span is longer than an elevator ride to hell.
I've never been trapped on an elevator, but I did get stuck on an escalator once. I thought they would never rescue me. I was the only one that couldn't make it to safety.
Chilean miner? I facken die. This is unfortunately totally hilarious. I think I hyperventilate so much that I'd pass out and piss myself...I'm that scared of elevators.
Hilarious!
Awww...Thanks guys, and thanks for following! The pressure is on now! But we always have Kelley's Breakroom to hang out in!
Think how much worse it would have been if you had watched the movie "Devil" right before you went in. LOL Glad you made it out okay.
You need to start carrying some BBQ sauce for that coat
I think this sounds like a good pilot for a reality show ... instead of being stuck on an island, being stuck in the elevator... were there any hot guys in there? :)
OMG! Hilarious! I think my daughter has the "if you have to pee, then I have to poop" thing.
Oh man, I would have died in there! You should totally start carrying jerky around, if for no reason other than it's tasty and could be used to survive on or bribe the 911 peeps.
Kelley, I would expect that you would have funny friends!
That. was. AWESOME!!! I It took my a good 10 minutes to read - I had to keep stopping to wipe the tears of laughter away! Funny, funny, funny stuff!!! I am off to share with friends! Now, go write some more!
Fabulous. Thanks for sharing this, Kelley. I am filling my purse with jerky immediately and NEVER getting into an elevator with more than 3 other people.
(p.s. Zumba sucks.)
Honestly I totally understand about not sharing a 'Pee' corner, but I think in fairness to the your future trapped elevator bretheren,for 'Number 2' choose one corner for the whole car, and save the other three for VOMIT!! W.C.C.
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