Why I wake up looking like I just wrestled a hyena

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Before we get to that hyena business, I'd like to pass on the award I received from The Drama Mama over at The Scoop on Poop and wrote about during my last post to five other blogs.  Most of them are relatively new to me and I am so glad I found them.  A couple of them make me laugh out loud and the rest inspire me for different reasons!  Now, you boys listen...you won't hurt my feelings if you don't want to hang up the "Beautiful Blog" award on your blog wall.  I just want to get the word out that you write some funny stuff!

The Pajama Monologues

Suz Rocks

A Blog about Nothing

Today's Cliche

Amy's Blam

Now on to the hyena business:

8:00 p.m.

After Bocephus (2) and Charlie Pride (5) have been hosed off outside and have changed into their pajamas, we read 235 books before bedtime. If they beg, we make it 238.  It does not take as long as you think to read all of those books because we are speed readers (like Johnny 5 in the 1986 movie "Short Circuit").  We do, however, have to take constant breaks at the Ozarka water cooler that we have moved into Charlie Pride's room as that much reading can result in serious dehydration.  Many of the books we read to them are library books, which are grossly overdue.  I tell them to enjoy the heck out of those books as it is very likely we will be banned from ever entering the library again once we finally return them.  I also tell them that one of them may have to be left as collateral.  When they ask what collateral means, I act as if I have fallen into a deep slumber. 

8:30 p.m.

After lots of sentimental and  mushy prayers, songs, hugs and night-night kisses, we shut their doors.  As soon it is fully closed, "The Rhythm of the Night" by DeBarge immediately begins to play, which is accompanied by skipping through the house and awkward dance movements:

8:45 p.m.

Bocephus opens his door which results in the magically piped in DeBarge to SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEECCCCCCCCCCCCH to a halt.  Bocephus is placed back in bed.  Door closes, which makes the magically piped in music suddenly begin again.  "...dance until the morning light..."

8:47 p.m.

Bocephus opens his door again.  DeBarge sighs heavily.  They all look at each other and wonder why they ever took this gig to begin with in the first place.

8:50 p.m.

Bocephus opens his door again.  DeBarge is overheard to say "I'm outta here", which really dampens the festive atmosphere in the house.  Because it is getting late and there are DVR'd shows to watch (Community!),  Bocephus has left us no choice but to get out the Velcro pajama/sheet set.  He is placed in his pajamas with soft bristles on the back and firmly placed on the now puffy sheets.

8:51-11:00 p.m.

Bocephus falls asleep in spite of the Velcro pajama set.  Charlie Pride continues to sleep.  We watch Community.  I act like Cinderella and clean up the house.  I pray for mice and birds to appear out of nowhere to help me with the dishes and laundry, but...nothing.  When I realize they really aren't coming, I start getting an attitude like Cinderella has over here on the right.

11:01 p.m.

After finishing up a quilt, doing 3,462 crunches, flossing and organizing my sock drawer, it's time to go to sleep.  Chris and I marvel at how, if our bed were made of snow, we could make snow angels in it with all the extra space.  I then get lost in thought about how, if it were really made of snow, I would probably not fall asleep well and would wake up with missing toes.  All of this nonsense swirling around in my head about snow in my bed makes me...drift...off....to...sleep......until...

11:53 p.m.

Charlie Pride arrives with his big stuffed animal and says he has a bad dream.  He gets in bed between us.  No more snow angels.  I am now trying to sleep while teetering off the bed.  I imagine that if I take one wrong turn, the alligators that are surely swimming in my carpet down below will eat my face off.  How will I meet my friends tomorrow for lunch in that condition?  Before you start judging my mental competency, remember I am half asleep here...and then whole asleep....

2:00-4:30 a.m.

Bocephus begins to cry from his Velcro bed.  I jump out of bed and get one of my legs chomped off from that blasted alligator I had forgotten about.  I decide my baby is worth it and hobble upstairs with blood spewing everywhere.  I lament the fact that I will have to get all the walls repainted but continue to drag my bleeding stump to the second floor. I also decide that the Velcro was a bit inhumane.  I change his clothes, lay him back in a normal bed and decide I should just sleep on the floor beside his bed.  I don't feel like dealing with those alligators downstairs again anyway.  I would rather sleep on the hard, hard, hard floor and keep my baby content.  I somehow sleep on something that feels much like the picture above for 2 1/2 hours. 

4:35 a.m.

Smoke alarm goes off due to wacked out batteries.  Kids do not wake up.  We wake up.  We become grouchy.  I hobble back downstairs, jump back over those alligators and climb back into bed with my husband and Charlie Pride...after moving CP back into the center of the bed.  It is hard to go back to sleep as my hair now looks like this guy's:

5:30-6:30

I manage to drift off to a state between asleep and awake (do not consult a map of the USA as you will be completely disappointed), but then am absolutely fully awakened by my husband's morning talk show-blarin' alarm.

And that, my friends, is why I wake up looking like I just tried to put this thing in a headlock:

*that sock monkey angel is from http://www.tellmewhereonearth.com/

5 Absolutely Proven Ways to Make a Ridiculous Amount of Really Close Friends

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The Drama Mama over at The Scoop on Poop was nice enough to give me this pretty award.  Thanks, Drama Mama!  By the way, I love all those curvy lines and the black butterflies.  Actually, it's ironic, because...if it were possible to come back as a particular creature, I'd choose to be a black butterfly.  In fact, for three Halloweens in a row (and for all of my class pictures in elementary school), I dressed as a black butterfly.  People used to give me odd looks and would whisper, "What's wrong with that child?" and "Why would her parents let her do such a thing?"  They would tsk-tsk and direct their children to the other side of the hallway.  I'd always yell,

 "HEY!  I used to be a fat caterpillar, for cryin' out loud!  And I also lived in very cramped, dark, lonely and dusty quarters BY MYSELF for a while, too!!  I'd ZIP IT if I were you!"

  Getting all bent out of shape like that made my antennae fall off and would make me wrinkle my nose too much, which would then mess up my black face paint (and completely humiliate me).  After too much time spent in the bathroom trying to fix that black tar, I decided to let those haters not affect me.  I wonder if you knew of my passion for black butterflies, Drama Mama?  You make my heart smile.  Anyway, those of you who are not just completely fed up with my absolutely ridiculous tangents and are still reading (black butterflies rule, fool!!), you will want to check her little poopy blog out for some smiles.  She has a cute picture of her son with a diaper on his head featured in a recent post.  If that's not reason enough to get over THAR right NAH-YOW, I don't know what is, sister!

Now, let's move on, shall we?  I want to give back to YOU in this post, Reader Man and Reader Lady, because you have given me so much- your time, the clicks of your mouse, your comments, your encouragement, your sharing of this silly blog with others and your inheritance.  I appreciate it all more than you know.  You seriously are fulfilling a dream of mine.  I may not be a "professional blogger" or an official writer, but I AM writing and YOU are reading......aren't you?  (Hey, brother, get back here, man!  I ain't finished!)  I read books, wrote "stories" and journaled CONSTANTLY as a child.  It is so fun and so humbling for me to know that you drop in on this blog from time to time to see what my keyboard threw up.  So, what I want to do to help YOU is...make more friends.  We all need HORDES of friends, right?  One friend?  Come ON!  You need THOUSANDS!  That picture above will be your backyard when you're finished putting these tips into action, man!  Your next dinner party will be so crowded that people will be eating the sheetrock and drinking from your toilet bowl because they can't get close enough to the food and beverages in the kitchen.  Put up your house plants!!!!!!!!!  

So, to make so many friends that your toilet bowl is dry, your fan blades have bite marks in them and your couch cushions are missing during your next celebration, please do these things when in front of a potential friend:

1. ABSOLUTELY TALK YOUR FACE RIGHT OFF

People love for you to talk so much they can't say a word.  Watching your flapping mouth puts them in a trance and helps them relax.  At the beginning of the day, your friend will have a hard time deciding if she wants Fancy Nail to shave her foot half off with that heel exfoliator during a relaxing pedicure or if she wants to engage in a conversation with you for some time of peace.  If you notice that your friend is inching toward the door during your conversation, well, then, for goodness sakes, get in front of it and start telling her about how much your bunion hurts.  It is your duty to cram her heads with as many words as will fit in the longest time possible.  You are looking for her hair to turn various shades of gray before you stop barricading the door with your gargantuan mouth.

2.  BRAG, BRAG, BRAG

Everyone loves for people to talk incessantly about themselves, all of their possessions and all of their talents.  Whenever possible, please be sure to mention how much your house and car costs.  If possible, casually leave receipts of extravagant purchases in places where you friend might see them.  (I have found taping it on their steering wheel works nicely).  If you feel you can run faster than your friend, then by all means, challenge them to a street race.  If they are on their way to a wedding, college finals, heart surgery or something along those lines, let them know it won't take long.  Tell them you just want to see how much faster you are than them and that you are hoping to see them cry hysterically. 

 3.  BE A ONE-UPPER

 

Trust me when a friend is telling you about his achievements or the achievements of his children, loved ones, etc., he is hoping you will waste no time topping it.  He wants you to make him feel like a complete moron and waste of space on earth.  Everyone enjoys feeling this way!  By never recognizing and validating the wonderful things you friend has done or experienced, you are helping him feel more like a moron today than he did the day before.  That's all anyone can ask for!  If you need assistance in getting this behavior down to a science, please spend a great deal of time (skip all activities related to personal hygiene, if you have to) reviewing this clip of "Penelope", a character of Kristen Wiig's (my favorite!) on Saturday Night Live.

4.  CALL THEIR PHONE SEVERAL TIMES DAILY LIKE A RAGING MANIAC

Begin early.  If your friend answers the phone at 5 a.m. sounding a bit annoyed, realize IT IS NOT YOU!  They are thrilled you are calling so early and probably had a bad dream.  If your friend does not sound interested in talking, keep yapping in their ear for the next few minutes until his or her voice becomes stronger.  If your friend hangs up after a few seconds, by all means call back.  Keep calling back until someone answers the phone.  You may have to go through several changes of clothes and a couple of Christmases, but KEEP DIALING THOSE NUMBERS.  Your friend wants to talk to you and is probably just busy dusting her coasters or ironing her pillowcases.  Do not give up.  If needed, go to her house, get in front of the living room window and jump up and down wildly while waving your arms while yelling, "IT'S ME!!!  Your friend _______!  We got disconnected!"  If your jumping turns out to be a bit too rambunctious causing you to crash through the living room window, whatever you do, do not offer to pick up the glass or pay for the damages.  Your time is better spent trying to figure out why your friend is avoiding you.

5. KEEP NO SECRETS 

Secrets are so 80's!  With all that you have to keep up with these days (your keys, for example), the last thing you have time to do is keep a secret.  So, when something is told to you in completely confidence, be sure to push the "record" button on your tape recorder softly.  It is imperative that you do this quietly as you do not want to ruin the surprise.  Your friend will just be beside himself or herself when he or she realizes you have recorded such a private conversation to share with the whole world.  They are going to want you to get that sensitive dialogue to the nearest mass communication outlet you can- e-mail, Facebook, Twitter or your very own blog.  If possible, please attach their name, address, phone number, e-mail address and social security number to all messages.  Nothing will get you more friends than letting the world know ultra-private information about your special friend.  It is very likely at some point in this ordeal that your friend will give you a big hug.  Now you may feel like that hug is turning into a headlock.  Rest assured, your friend is teasing with you.  Stop being paranoid.

Here's to many missing pillows, chewed up house plants 

and  digested door knobs at your next house party!

QUIZ: How badly do you need groceries?

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1.  You desperately want milk to go with the Oreos that were yelling your name for the past few hours.  After opening the refrigerator, you find yourself:

A. Doing a flip-flop over the full gallon you see on the top shelf. Unfortunately, you misjudge the kitchen space which results in bad bruises, a tad bit of head trauma but vast amount of Oreos & milk.
*B.  Diluting the gallon containing only 3/4 of a cup of milk with some water so you can get those Oreos at least a tad mushy.
C.  Content that you can have a nice glass of milk with your Oreos tonight, a bowl of cereal in the morning and 3 consecutive glasses of Ovaltine just before your lunch of milk soup.
D. Breaking and entering into your neighbor's house for that white gold.

2. Your hair desperately needs to be washed, especially after that family of small birds tried to make a nest in it.  You grab your bottle of VO5, Finesse or White Rain to find:

A.  So much shampoo that you wash your hair over and over and over and over and over again.  Once you emerge from the shower, the Sun Maid lady comes out of nowhere and tries to stuff you in a big red box.
B.  Yourself mixing the last of the shampoo with water in a desperate attempt to make suds to clean that greasy mop of yours.  Empty containers of Crisco are lining up outside of your bathroom hoping for a dibs at that grease if that mixture doesn't work out.
C.  Just enough shampoo to make your hair clean and free of small rodents, gnats, lice, fruit flies or birds.
*D.  Nothing. You get out of the shower, drip water all over the floor, grab the Dial hand soap & pump it like a maniac onto your dirty head.

3.  You begin the process of making cookies from scratch because you want to prove that you are not only a wonderful parallel parker, but can also bake.  You begin to look for REAL butter and find:

A.  Hordes of that fancy Plugra European Butter staring at you from inside the refrigerator.  You end up making so many cookies with the excess butter that you gain 20 pounds in 24 hours and lose all of your teeth.
B. Less than 1/4 cup of real butter.  You decide to mix it with margarine in the hopes that you won't ruin the cookies and your fragile self-esteem.  You are still trying to get over the fact that you had to cover yourself in Vaseline to get through the gym doors recently.
C.  Two sticks of butter, like the recipe required.  You wipe the sweat from your brow and immediately soften the butter to put into the cookie batter.  You do a split leap on the way to the microwave.
*D. Nothing.  You use margarine instead.  This totally ruins the cookies and your husband's mood.  He now insists that you just get the pull-apart-and-bake kind no matter how much you beg and plead that things will be different next time.

4.  Your agenda includes working out, going to a park on a very HOT day to jog 30 times around the track and trying to set the Guiness Book of World Records for the most consecutive jumping jacks completed ever.  You search for deodorant and find:

A.  That a tsunami of Secret (or Right Guard) pours out of your bathroom cabinet and knocks you off your feet. 
B.  If you push the stick of deodorant up anymore it will crumble.  It crumbles.  You must now act like you are coloring your pits with a large white crayon.
C. The right amount of deodorant to ensure that you do not cause severe illness or the need for an oxygen mask in any of the people you encounter throughout the day.
*D.  Nothing.  You borrow your husband's.  You forget that you borrowed it later in the day and keep asking, "Is that you?" because you can smell him nearby.  You become increasingly flustered at his superior hide-and-go-seek abilities and begin crying uncontrollably.

5.  You haven't done laundry all week.  The laundry pile is so high, you have to actually climb (belt clips, rope and all) to the top of it and rappel back down.  The only reason you attempt to summit the mountain without proper training and acclimitization is because your son absolutely INSISTS on wearing a particular Star Wars shirt that day.  You go to wash the first load of clothes and find:

A. You have to spend 30 minutes rearranging boxes and bottles of detergent as the washer and dryer are covered in them due to a sale at CVS, The Dollar General and your local grocery store all during the same week. You vow not to buy that much detergent next time...unless you have a comparable quantity of dryer sheets.
B. You have to tilt the large liquid detergent dispenser while simultaneously pushing the life out of that blasted button on the detergent spout. This results in a few measly drops of liquid, which you have to mix with water, as well as a big bump between your eyes from the detergent container losing it's balance on the top shelf and knocking you right in the face.
C.  Just enough detergent to wash Mt. O'Clothes and prevent people from running away from you and your family in horror.
*D.  Nothing. You find the Febreze and douse the heck out of anything your family insists on wearing that day.

6. You just arrived at the mall and your 2-year-old son has a dirty diaper which results in you:

A. Opening your gigantic rolling suitcase stocked with a full box of Pampers, a changing table and never-ending wipes.
B. washing the dirty diaper out in the sink, drying it under the hand dryer and putting it back on your poor child's hind end.
C. Giving an unsuspecting mother a high five because you find that you have one last diaper in the diaper bag and 3 wipes.  Unsuspecting mother finds you very odd and immediately tweets about your awkward behavior, especially since you missed her hand.
*D. Buying itty-bitty underwear, stuffing the heck out of them with paper towels and praying that your son does not totally drinch his drawers, for goodness' sake.

7.  You are packing a child's lunch to take to preschool and go to toss in a juice box to find:

A. That you must start drinking some of the juice boxes yourself as they are taking over your pantry and leaving no room on the shelves for bread, white asparagus or hot pink beets. 
B.  An already opened juice box.  You pour some water in through the tiny straw hole and re-seal it with electrical tape and your caulking gun.  You pray it is not obvious that it has been opened already.
C.  A single juice box ready to jump into the lunch box.  He's been waiting for this day all of his life.
*D.  No juice boxes.  You quickly toss in a can of Coke and ask your son to duck under the table every time he needs a drink, as your reputation as a health-conscience mother is on the line.  You immediately act as if you have fainted when your son returns home with an unopened can of Coke and your husband is the one who cleans out the lunch box.

8.  You wonder why you ever thought eating a bowl of La Madeleine's tomato basil soup with a side of onion rings and a chocolate milk shake was a good idea.  You go to your medicine cabinet to find:

A. Pepto-Bismol, Kaopectate and Immodium-D gossiping about your horrible, filthy eating habits but cheering that they have a job.  They are also planning secret missions around the house which involve placing donuts, fried butter and Texas-sized chicken fried steaks in tempting places.  They want you to be tore up from the floor up.
B.  A few drops of each of the above medicines.  You decide to combine all three which results in you immediately bursting into flames.

C.  One dose of Pepto-Bismol waiting patiently for the end of his life.

*D.  Kaopectate.  This sends you into a drastic and quick spiral of depression as Pepto-Bismol contains more than just bismuth subsalicylate to you...it also contains the key to your heart.  You + Pepto-Bismol = Forever.

9.  Your children need their teeth brushed something fierce.  You begin searching for their beloved bubble gum-flavored toothpaste and find:

A. So many boxes of unopened toothpaste that the overflow is visible to your next door neighbors. Before you have time to open a box to provide relief to your children's poor teeth, the "Hoarders" crew has arrived at your door.
B. Visible remnants of toothpaste clinging like maniacs to the inside of the tube. You grab the small electric saw from your children's toy box, cut the plastic children's toothpaste dispenser in half and scoop that bubble gum-flavored mess right up.
C. A smiling container of children's toothpaste ready to serve you.
*D. No children's toothpaste. You have them use YOUR toothpaste which quickly results in them yelling that their mouth is on fire. They gulp water down like they just finished off a Route 44 of Hot Lava.

10.  Which one of these is NOT one of the three sisters in the 1980's country group "The Mandrells"?

A.  Irlene

B.  Gertie

C.  Louise

D.  Barbara

How badly do YOU
need groceries?

If you answered:

Mostly A's: You may be a hoarder.
Mostly B's: Bad.
Mostly C's: Not so bad.
Mostly D's: Reeeeeeeeeaaaaaaal bad.  Leave the computer!

*My answers. I'm "mostly D's" and am so ashamed!  I'll see y'all later.  I'm going to the store!

And Gertie wuddn't no Mandrell, brother!

Milk Makes Me Moooooody

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Milk is serious business at our house.  Literally.  We have a secret revolving bookcase in our study so that on one side you can catch up on Twilight, War & Peace (oh, I ain't got that one) or Pride & Prejudice (that one either) and on the other side...milk.  Rows and rows and rows of milk in a cool refrigerator.  For those neighbors who reach the point of desperation when the final drops of milk have slipped away from them, our Milk Cave exists. 

I wish I had a Milk Cave in my study.

I wish I had a study.

I wish I had.

I wish I.

I wish.

I.

We do have a study, but I'm getting off topic here.  Milk.  Milk really can make me moody.   Below is outline of how my mood correlates with the level of milk supply in this house.  If I were you, I'd be very careful visiting us when the milk supply is at 5 drops. 

EUPHORIC = 2 gallons

Life is absolutely FANTASTIC!!  I got milk, people!  I got TWO gallons of that mess all up in my fridge!  I think I'll have some Fruity Pebbles this morning AND tonight, suckas!  If I do a belly dance, you will hear milk sloshing like a maniac in my tummy.  Gummy Bears are straight up surfin' in there!  Kids, do you want to put milk in your water guns?  We've got plenty!  Who wants to have a milk balloon fight?  This is gonna be AWESOME!  Get...in...mah...tummy!  Can I get you a glass of milk to go with your milk?

ECSTATIC = 1 and 3/4 gallons

I'm still on top of the world!  Yes, neighbor, come over here and fill your large oudoor planter up with some of my 2% for your thirsty baby.  Is that little milk guzzler still crying?  I'll tell you what, take the rest of the gallon.  Sure!!  Hey, I've got a heart...AND a whole other gallon of milk in there.  Check it out!  Still almost full!  Go milk! [This is where I do a back-flip and misjudge the space in the kitchen resulting in severe bruising and a tad bit of head trauma]

ANXIOUS = 1 gallon

Alright, kids.  Let's have a talk.  We've got one gallon in there now.  Let's go easy on the Ovaltine.  Mommy likes cereal for a late night snack, 'mmmmmkay?  Also, we can't be taking milk baths anymore.  When we had 2 gallons and were on top of the world, milk baths were a given.  CHARLIE PRIDE (my 5 y/o's pen name)!  Are you using milk to dip your watercolor brushes in?  This is RIDICULOUS!  I told you the life of 2 gallon luxury we were living had to change once we were down to only one!  Geez LOUISE! 

The dwindling milk supply affects us all, even the cantankerous office chair, as you can see above.

PANICKED = 3/4 gallon

When we can stop by the store?  When can we stop by the store?  When can we stop by the store?  When can we stop by the store?  Store.  Store.  Milk.  Store.  Milk.  Chocolate Chex absolutely taste like rotten lizard eggs in my mouth without milk!  I can't let this happen!  Yes, yes...Bocephus & Charlie Pride, you can have some chocolate milk.  Grab the Ovaltine and the top of the toothpaste cap and let me whip you up some chocolate milk. 

AN ABSOLUTE SHELL OF A PERSON = 1/2 gallon

You might as well hang it up.  This is gone by the end of the stinkin' day.  The stinkin' day, I tell you.  I don't have time to go by the store for more milk right now.  How can I make this stretch?  Kids, strain your Cinnamon Toast Crunch from your old cereal milk, get a funnel and put that white gold in the refrigerator...nah-yow!

IN NEED OF A TRANQUILIZER SHOT = the last 5 drops

No milk?!?! [loud wailing and gnashing of teeth begin] Five drops!  Five (sob) drops (sob)?  I don't care.  Dampen those five Corn Flakes and let me just enjoy the bliss for a second or two.  Why didn't we get milk before now?  Why do we (sob) let it come (sob) to this???  Why oh why???????????? Waaaaaaaa!!!!!!!

After a good cry, my two young sons help me get off the floor.  This is when I dust myself off and renew my hope that we will have milk again.  As soon as I enter the grocery store, my mouth begins to water at the thought of milk-logged Oh's or Reese's Peanut Butter Puffs.  A smile replaces the frown as I wheel back to the refrigerated section and rescue those jugs from the cold, lonely and impersonal store refrigerator.   It turns out that milk is good for my bones...and for my home.

*That first nice cow picture is from www.reallynatural.com.

**That second nice cow picture is from http://www.thenightwriterblog.com/.

***That crying lady is from My College Life.

The Unexpected Guest Kit

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Dad: "Kelley, do you mind if I stop by with my golf buddies to say hello after my golf game?"

Me: "How far away are you, Dad?"

Dad: "About 10 minutes."

Me: "Noooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!  Dad, the house is a MESS.  I've got a mountain of laundry in the living room and there are dishes in the sink!"

Dad: "What's new?"

Me: "Dad, please just let the boys and I come out to say hello to you in the car.  PLEASE call me when you turn on our street".












Knock.  Knock.













And there they were.  They kept saying over and over, "Oh, we don't care what your house looks like (you stinkin' unworthy mother of two).  We came to see your boys (so we could find them a more fit home)!  We don't even SEE the dishes in the sink (overflowing onto the floor and out of the front door and into the street and down the drain and into the sewage and out into the bayou and into the port and out to the Gulf and...).  Stop being so worried (because CPS won't arrive for at least another hour).  Women are always so worried about what their houses look like (and your house looks just like a landfill, you dusty varmint!)." 

I need at least a good week to get the house ready before guests come over.  Okay, an hour would be great.  I WANT to have the kind of house where someone could drop by out of nowhere and I don't feel like crawling in my air ducts.  One of the main reasons I want a pristine house at all times is because I always forget to close the air duct grate all the way when I crawl into it and end up being discovered by Unexpected Guest, which makes my humiliation absolutely skyrocket.  I also don't really fit in the air duct well & have been known to emerge with a fuzzy dust in my hair that remains there during the entire vist with Unexpected Guest.  How awkward.

So, I've developed The Unexpected Guest Kit (UGK), only to be used on days when your house, your outfit and your hairdo are absolutely hideous, which includes:

• SHOE BELLS- place these at the end of your driveway or on your front porch with a sign that says "Put these on your sneaky feet, for goodness sakes, so I can have a 5 second warning that you are about to ring the doorbell & make me feel like a giant horsefly."  These 5 seconds will be just enough time to activate the rest of your UGK.

• A TAPE RECORDED MESSAGE- As soon as the front door opens, a message you have previously recorded will say:

"Oh, I am so glad you stopped by!  Please do come in.  How are you?.......How's work going?.......How old are those kids now?........Who won the World Cup?.........Have you seen gas prices these days?..........Isn't the weather something else?.........What did you do last weekend?...........Have you eaten at that new Chinese restaurant?........Have you gotten on Facebook yet?.............Are you on Team Edward or Team Jacob?.........Do you Twitter?............What's the latest with the oil spill?................." 

You will have exactly 10 seconds between each question for an answer to be squeezed in.  When you are absolutely a nervous wreck over having your house viewed by outside eyes, it is difficult to pull it together for a decent, friendly conversation.  Let the questions give you some breathing room!  Remember though, if it looks like Unexpected Guest is headed to 8 seconds and is still inhaling in preparation for his or her long-winded response, accidently trip on the air in front of you with a huge fistful of ...

• 
  
  ...POP ROCKS in your hand & land them all in Unexpected Guest's mouth.  This tingling sensation will surely get them back on track.  Also, keep in mind that the pre-recorded message can be stopped at anytime by the loud exclamation of "YOU DON'T SAY!"  Know that you can customize the questions to suit you and your personality.  If questions like "Do you boil your jello on the stove or buy it pre-jiggled in individual cups?" are more your style, then, by all means, change that mess up.  The goal here is to make Unexpected Guest so exasperated with you and your incessant questions that they give up on the visit and proceed back out the door.  However, the plan could backfire.  Some people LOVE answering questions above themselves which places you at risk of becoming like the unfortunate elderly woman above in the 1980 movie "Airplane!" if you don't stop that stinkin' tape in time.

• A T-SHIRT LAUNCHER CUSTOMIZED TO FIT LARGE SHEETS (TSLCTFLS)- you've seen them at baseball games, basketball games, etc.  Since we've exchanged t-shirts for large sheets, the machine works a little differently.  Instead of nearly decapitating Unsuspecting Hot Dog Eater at a Ball Game with a t-shirt, the machine now sends out a large sheet that will quickly and effectively cover any mess in seconds.  Remember, the TSLCTFLS only holds one large sheet at a time.  Unless you have trained your 2-year-old son to quickly and effectively repack the TSLCTFLS with new sheets, you only have one shot to cover your nasty tracks.  Thanks to Bocephus's uncanny knack for stuffin' sheets into huge launchers, I have been known to bust one sheet out right in the kitchen to cover the mess from dinner the night before and another immediately across the house to cover a pile of laundry.  You ain't catchin' me looking like NO SLOB!  Instead of apologizing profusely to Unexpected Guest for falling asleep before I could take a chisel to the dried spaghetti on that pot on the stove, I pull the trigger like a Marine and...BAM!  All they see is a sheet.  If they give you any raised eyebrows, say you plan on painting in the kitchen later that day.  For a bit extra, I will throw in that large robot head above so you can hide your identity completely.

• MOSQUITO NET SEWING MATERIALS PACKET- tucked away in a very inconspicuous, but easy to access area (behind your refrigerator is a great spot), will be your Mosquito Net Sewing Materials Packet.  With a quick "Look over there!", you can use one hand and a quick flick of the wrist to unfold an elaborate set of needles, threads, cloth, patterns and a stack of already made mosquito nets all over your kitchen table.  One quick glance at your kitchen table full of good deeds will quickly erase the memory of your horrendous home from Unexpected Guest.  This is also a good opportunity for you to educate them about how many people die from malaria each day.  Look closely in the pile on your kitchen table and you will find literature to share from organizations like Project Mosquito Net, Samaritan's Purse and Nothing but Nets.

The UGKs are going fast!  Order YOURS today!

If you order within the next 24 hours, I will throw in a lovely UNEXPECTED GUEST BLINDFOLD for absolutely FREE but you gotta act FAST! 

And this is an inside joke for my youngest reader: "Big L, little l; Little Lola Lopp.  Left leg.  Lazy lion licks a lollipop."

Top 10 Rules of Elevator Etiquette

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Although I would never step into a closet with a tightly sealed, impossible-to-open door with a disheveled stranger that I've known for 0 seconds, I essentially do this every time I step into an elevator, like most of us.  This guy on the right seems to enjoy the heck out of the elevator, but not all of us are so free.  Some of us need help.  If you are sometimes at a loss for just what to do around an elevator, please take note of the following tips:

                                                       

#1  When you arrive at the elevator, make sure you stand really close to the person waiting beside you.  Make sure you cast them sideways glances every few seconds and when you catch his or her eye, smile widely.

#2  Once the elevator arrives, try to enter it at the same time as the person waiting beside you.  If possible, try to get caught in the door at the same time so you can both giggle and sweat together

If you don't quite time the elevator entrance right and have to shuffle past each other, make sure you ask really loudly, "Do you wanna dance?" followed by loud and obnoxious laughter.  People just love these types of jokes and will definitely search you out in the hallways thereafter for comic relief.

#3  Once inside the elevator, try to go for the floor button at the same time as your elevator partner (EP).  If you are not able to time this interaction just right, and if you are beside the elevator buttons, ask EP what floor he or she hopes to arrive to should the elevator not burst into flames or get caught between floors.  If EP is beside the buttons, simply demand that he or she press floor 7 immediately or you'll push the red emergency button.

#4  If the doors remain open for more than 1 second, frantically push the "close" buttons.  Know that the elevator doors have no intention of closing unless you push that "close" button like a maniac.  I've heard of people entering an elevator who are teething and leave needing dentures because someone flat out forget about that blasted button.  You may push the "open" button only if a person trying to enter the elevator has one leg inside.  If anyone is farther away than that, push that "close" button like it's oxygen for your blood.  Make sure to provide no one eye contact while pressing that button like a woodpecker on an oak tree.  You can't waste the energy.

#5  While on the elevator, hum your heart out.  People really like to listen to public humming, especially when packed tight together like sardines.  It gives everyone around you a chance to play "name that tune" in the middle of their humdrum day.  Also, if you ENTER the elevator humming, you receive greater admiration.  Your bravery and love of life will immediately impress your fellow passengers.

#6  Don't forget to look up at the top of the elevator where the passing floors are shown.  You need to look up there every 2 seconds or the elevator will not stop at your floor.  Do not worry if everyone around you thinks you are part pigeon.  If you are part pigeon, please, for goodness sakes, do not poop in the elevator.              
     

#7  Master the art of elevator Tetris and your comfort levels on that machine will soar.  Every nook and cranny of that small square needs to be filled with your feet, your hair-do, your hind-end and whatever you brought with you- an umbrella, your child, a garden hose, sea shells you collected when you were a child, etc.  People are not at all offended if your hair is right underneath their nose and your small child is situated under their armpit.  There is only one chance to catch an elevator per day, for crying out loud, and you're going to get ever-THANG on thar!

#8  Master the ELEVATOR SHUFFLE and your comfort levels on that machine will REALLY soar.  If you enter the elevator alone, press your button & go to the back left-hand corner.  If someone else is already on the elevator, go to the same corner he or she is standing in and stand immediately in front of that person.  If they try to shift to the other side, follow directly behind them and try to touch shoulders with them.  If they give you an ugly look, press the red emergency button immediately.

#9  If at any point eye contact is made, comment about the weather.  People absolutely get giddy over talking about the weather.  If that small talk topic doesn't come to mind, bring up the World Cup.  When your EP starts getting specific about who played when and who won which game, press the emergency button immediately and act like you're fainting.

IF eye contact has been made, you are now obligated to wish the person well for the remainder of their day. It is always best to mumble "haveagoodday" while almost tripping over your feet and not giving eye contact. If you do provide eye contact and slow your speech a bit, you may be able to enjoy a slam into the chest of the person entering the elevator. If this happens, most definitely say "Do you wanna dance?" again.  Smile the most gigantic smile you can muster and pray that you have specks of basil in your teeth leftover from the Lean Cuisine Italian meal you had for lunch.  This will score you lots of points in everyone's book and may result in a promotion, if this occurs in a work elevator.

#10  Once the elevator doors open, propel yourself out of the elevator like you have been set free from a tightly pulled slingshot.  If you realize that you have exited the wrong floor, act as if you have been called to finish a heart surgery and have no time for dilly-dallying.