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| http://www.jeffsweather.com/ |
As many of you know, I live in the Houston-area where the air is pristine. Equally pristine are our waters that tumble through the Ship Channel and past refinery after chemical plant after refinery after chemical plant. In this warm body of water floated a manatee several years ago. Manatees are also called "sea cows" apparently. I wonder if the first manatee to be called a "sea cow" yelled back with, "WHO YOU CALLIN' A COW, YOU UGLY HUMAN?" Back to the a manatee in the Ship Channel...he was all alone. A single manatee. A one-man-bandatee. Manatees are not native to this area. They live off the coast of Florida, 800 miles to the east, or off the Yucatan peninsula, 600 miles to the south. With all the two headed fish, three-headed snakes and one-eyed turtles, well, there's just no room for the cows, the cows that go moo (we're Tiegra & Bunny and we like to moo). This cow wasn't going moo. This cow was going boo-hoo where's my food? Apparently, wildlife officials were hoping to feed this large beast some iceberg lettuce as the manatee eats 50 pounds of aquatic plants a day. Back then I was wishing I could've been one of those wildlife officials trying to entice a huge sea animal with my Cobb Salad.
"Here, manateemanateemanatee, heeeeeeeerrrrrrreeeeee, manateemanateemanatee... Mama's got some reaaaaaallll nahs lettuce fer ya. Come own, come own...don't be shy nay-yow. You in Texas nay-yow. We goan treatchew like family. You lahk ray-yunch?"
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| http://www.flickr.com/photos/nakrnsm/3668714872/ |
I honestly think about that manatee every time I cross over the large Ship Channel bridge. Officials believed that manatee had been swirled about in hurricane waters and set off on a cock-eyed course towards Houston. I just know one day he was enjoying a tostada & margarita con su familia en la Yucatan Peninsula and the next day he's all, "WHOOOAAAAAA, donde esta mi familia, hombres? I'm getting deeeeeeesy. WHOOOAAA, yo soy in Tejas con los pescados con DOS CABEZAS???" Poor lonely manatee. He probably felt like changing his name to insanatee. Ever since that story came out, I will occasionally think about those manatees and comes up with names for all of their relatives. My dad and I first laughed about our imaginary manatee family when the story came out. It's my dad's fault I'm not dealing with a full deck.
Against my better judgment and my husband's strong "NEXT TOPIC" advice when I brought up my post idea, I present to you our family of manatees below. Just in time for Christmas, you will be able to buy my magnetic Manatee doll collection. Pictured below are the two large manatees you can choose from to receive RIGHT to your mailbox. Listed beside these beautiful creatures are the different manatee characters with their respective accessories. You can buy each character separately for $10 or the WHOLE SET for $40, but you gotta act fast!
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| http://www.boats-florida.com/ |
The grandmother: NANATEE
She will come with a gray wig & knitting needles that will strap easily over her flippers.
The conservative cousin: HANATEE
A suit jacket & red tie will magnetically attach to the upper half of his body. On the lower half will be a pair of manatee jeans, as the only the top half will be visible during his Fox News broadcasts, of course.
The rocker: SANTANATEE
A guitar, a fedora and a big thick black moustache to situate just below his cute nose. A CD of Sanatanatee's greatest hits will be also be included.
The biker: BANDANATEE
A red banadana will fit snugly over his brown, bald head, a black, leather jacket will adorn his back and a small motorcyle will be available on which Bandanatee can perch his extremely large body.
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| http://www.orlando-tours.com/ |
The goody-two-shoes: POLLYANNATEE
A blonde, curly wig will be available for her head along with a frilly dress and a small tape of Haley Mill's voice spouting all types of really positive messages.
The self-absorbed aunt: VANATEE
This lovely manatee will come with a blinged out cell phone, a mirror attached to her flipper, red magnetic lips and a tape with the song, "Don'tcha wish your girlfriend was hot like me..." to play as often as you wish.
The 80's boy band: DURANDURANATEE
This manatee comes with messy hair, calls himself Simon, has a microphone strapped to his flipper and is equipped with a button that sings "Her name is Rio and she dances on the sand..." every time you push it.
Which one is Santa bringing you??
If you have other magnetic manatee doll name ideas, pass them on! I promise you will get a cut of the HUGE profits this is bound to rake in this December!
If you have other magnetic manatee doll name ideas, pass them on! I promise you will get a cut of the HUGE profits this is bound to rake in this December!
34 comments:
Small world, I live in Houston as well. And if there is a manatee swimming around in the ship channel, it has grown four or five legs by now and is glowing neon green as well from all of the chemicals.
Well, crap.LUCKY. All we get around here lately are great whites. And as far as I know, it can be really tricky to dress up one of those suckers.
That poor manatee's family...they've now got to be acceptee that he's an absentee. They can only hope he's not an arrestee somewhere. If he's on the wrong side of the law, he will for sure be a representee for a lawyer. Would it be pro-bono?
Maybe his family is hoping he's going to be a deportee/transportee back to them, and not become an adoptee in his new country.
In any case, the manatee is not a rejectee and can only hope to become an appointee to a committee which can discuss how to keep others from swimming around in the ship channel.
You forgot about Havanatee. He's the crazy old uncle that everyone tries to ignore at family functions. You know, the one at Thanksgiving and Christmas who sits in the corner by himself, smoking a cigar, mumbling strange things and every so often exclaiming something generally improper and oftentimes vulgar so loudly that it interrupts everyone's civilized conversations about turkeys and candy canes. . .Oh wait. You don't have one of those uncles? Hmmm. Maybe it's just us.
P.S. The Havanatee doll comes with a cigar, shot glass, and a straight jacket. He may or may not be allowed in the same room as everyone else, depending on whether he and Vanatee are currently separated.
Living across the gulf from you in the heart of manateeland, I can tell you that your lone sea cow is a legend among the FL crew. Many a manatee has attempted to cross the Gulf I'm hopes of trading Mickey Mouse ears for chips and salsa but find themselves injured in an aquarium instead. I want the DuranDuranatee!
I'm partial to dugongs myself.
What about the Babynanatee...Cant' you just picture his chubby little flippers and cheeks. I'm sure he comes with an over sized diaper and a great big poopy!
Sweet vidalia onions! This is my favorite post of yours to date. BRILLIANT. You had me at one-man-bandatee. But seeing as how I'm from Scandinavia, I'm going with the Finlandatee Doll. Thank you.
Don't forget about the Bananatee. While most manatees are that grayish color, bananatees are a bright yellow. Very rare and quite the ladies man at breeding time.
I like Jersanatee - because, loving all things Jersey is so IN right now! This one comes in Guido form: Tatoos, washboard abs, and a bag of dirty laundry. Guidette Form: a POOF, a very short mini dress, and lots of makeup!
You are a super Inventatee!
bwahaha You are too funny girl! I grew up in central Florida, and LOVE my manatees.
Can I please have a FilthyLoadedRichatee?
I think it explains itself.
again with the peeing of the pants because of all the laughter.
You are so stinkin' funny! Seriously, how do you come up with this stuff?
I love this silly, fun post. I'll take a Pollyannatee, so I can borrow her curly top. xo
Kelley...PLEASE tell me you watch Veggie Tales with your little 'uns. *clears throat*: "Barbara MANATEEEEEE...you are the ONE FOR MEEEEEE..." Oh, now I've done it...I've gone and pulled something. But thanks for the trip down Giggle Lane.
Hahaha. Love this, you clever girl! How about Insanatee. The Lindsay Lohan manatee.
Have you seen the Jim Gaffigan clip on the manitee? So funny.
DuranDuranitee. LOL! Dear Lord that is funny.
Hilarious. My sister went swimming with the Manatee's once....I think she was in Australia. I guess they are just big cuddly cows....er, sea animals. :)
I really, really wanted to do this but cannot think of one single anatee!!! Uggh. This will drive me nuts all day.
I think you really have something here. I'll call China and get the factory pumping out a prototype. Lead or no lead? Ah, we'll use the lead. Without it's just not as much fun.
Bananaramatee – A third cousin twice removed that wears a lot of black eyeliner and lipstick, and sports high-waisted 80’s jeans. Works as a garage mechanic and likes to dance around fires on the weekends (we suspect she’s Wiccan).
Copacabanatees – these come as a set, Uncle Tony and Auntie Lola. She does the cha-cha while he pours you a drink.
Rosannatee – All you’ll wanna do in the middle of the evening is hold her tight
Lantanatee – Great-great aunt that comes decorated with small yellow flowers. Likes to drink lemon verbena tea.
Texarkanatee – we’re not sure where this uncle-by-marriage came from, but it’s somewhere northeast of Houston. Hell, HE don’t even know where he’s from.
Tropicanatee – Auntie Lola’s half sister. Comes clutching a highball glass and there ain’t nothin’ virgin about her.
I'd love the pollyannatee please. I'm all about the goodie-goodies.
HA! Thanks for the smiles today :)
oxoxo
Denalee
Girlfriend, you are one of the most creative bloggers I know. bravo - having a post about a manatee is quite brilliant.
How about a Bradgelinatee and it will be beautiful, fabulous and a little strange all at once.
I don't know which one I'll get on xmas but hanatee was funny as is santanatee. Hope your doing great!
Ironically I dated a POLLYANNATEE I met in my poly-sci class. She dumped me. Seriously, this creature has had it's share of hard knocks.
Those were really good! Santa had to back order mine
You are so funny! I can't even begin to tell you all the places in this post I was laughing out loud. Thanks Kelley, I needed that!
I like the RoseanneRosannadannatee, who has bad hair and sweatballs on her nose.
Of course, one would have to be really old and have watched the original SNL to know what the hell i'm talking about.
I see those being huge at Xmas time. I mean, if those Cabbage Patch kids and crap can sell huge, why not these?
OMG- The Vanatee is totally gonna be Paris Hilton's next pet obsession! Somebody start a designer collection of manatee bags (waterproof of course)- they will make a fortune!
Also- please tell me that Tiegra and Bunny rference came from reading the comments under my caption contest. Otherwise that is just too weird!
Well done, Kelley!
Thanks for not heeding your husband's "next topic" advice, this post was borderline genius. Also, manatee's fuhreak me out. I live in Iowa with the real cows and I'm sure they don't like being associated with those things. They told me so.
Love this! Who would have thought that a manatee/sea cow post could be so clever? And, you're right...I don't resemble Nanatee or any of her family members. Just sayin.
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