As many of you know, I live in the Houston-area where the air is pristine. Equally pristine are our waters that tumble through the Ship Channel
and past refinery after chemical plant after refinery after chemical plant. In this warm body of water floated a manatee several years ago. Manatees are also called “sea cows” apparently. I wonder if the first manatee to be called a “sea cow” yelled back with, “WHO YOU CALLIN’ A COW, YOU UGLY HUMAN?” Back to the a manatee in the Ship Channel…he was all alone. A single manatee. A one-man-bandatee.
Manatees are not native to this area. They live off the coast of Florida, 800 miles to the east, or off the Yucatan peninsula, 600 miles to the south. With all the two headed fish, three-headed snakes and one-eyed turtles, well, there’s just no room for the cows, the cows that go moo (we’re Tiegra & Bunny and we like to moo).
This cow wasn’t going moo. This cow was going boo-hoo where’s my food?
Apparently, wildlife officials were hoping to feed this large beast some iceberg lettuce as the manatee eats 50 pounds of aquatic plants a day. Back then I was wishing I could’ve been one of those wildlife officials trying to entice a huge sea animal with my Cobb Salad.
“Here, manateemanateemanatee, heeeeeeeerrrrrrreeeeee, manateemanateemanatee… Mama’s got some reaaaaaallll nahs lettuce fer ya. Come own, come own…don’t be shy nay-yow. You in Texas nay-yow. We goan treatchew like family. You lahk ray-yunch?”
I honestly think about that manatee every time I cross over the large Ship Channel bridge. Officials believed that manatee had been swirled about in hurricane waters and set off on a cock-eyed course towards Houston. I just know one day he was enjoying a tostada & margarita con su familia en la Yucatan Peninsula and the next day he’s all, “WHOOOAAAAAA, donde esta mi familia, hombres? I’m getting deeeeeeesy. WHOOOAAA, yo soy in Tejas con los pescados con DOS CABEZAS???” Poor lonely manatee. He probably felt like changing his name to insanatee. Ever since that story came out, I will occasionally think about those manatees and comes up with names for all of their relatives. My dad and I first laughed about our imaginary manatee family when the story came out. It’s my dad’s fault I’m not dealing with a full deck.
Against my better judgment and my husband’s strong “NEXT TOPIC” advice when I brought up my post idea, I present to you our family of manatees below. Just in time for Christmas, you will be able to buy my magnetic Manatee doll collection. Pictured below are the two large manatees you can choose from to receive RIGHT to your mailbox. Listed beside these beautiful creatures are the different manatee characters with their respective accessories. You can buy each character separately for $10 or the WHOLE SET for $40, but you gotta act fast!
The grandmother: NANATEE
She will come with a gray wig & knitting needles that will strap easily over her flippers.
The conservative cousin: HANATEE
A suit jacket & red tie will magnetically attach to the upper half of his body. On the lower half will be a pair of manatee jeans, as the only the top half will be visible during his Fox News broadcasts, of course.
The rocker: SANTANATEE
A guitar, a fedora and a big thick black moustache to situate just below his cute nose. A CD of Sanatanatee’s greatest hits will be also be included.
The biker: BANDANATEE
A red banadana will fit snugly over his brown, bald head, a black, leather jacket will adorn his back and a small motorcyle will be available on which Bandanatee can perch his extremely large body.
The goody-two-shoes: POLLYANNATEE
A blonde, curly wig will be available for her head along with a frilly dress and a small tape of Haley Mill’s voice spouting all types of really positive messages.
The self-absorbed aunt: VANATEE
This lovely manatee will come with a blinged out cell phone, a mirror attached to her flipper, red magnetic lips and a tape with the song, “Don’tcha wish your girlfriend was hot like me…” to play as often as you wish.
The 80’s boy band: DURANDURANATEE
This manatee comes with messy hair, calls himself Simon, has a microphone strapped to his flipper and is equipped with a button that sings “Her name is Rio and she dances on the sand…” every time you push it.
Which one is Santa bringing you??
If you have other magnetic manatee doll name ideas, pass them on! I promise you will get a cut of the HUGE profits this is bound to rake in this December!