If you don't know Tarja from "The Flying Chalupa" yet, you will definitely want to "meet" her by visiting her fun blog (click here)! Her blog always makes me laugh! She is a very creative writer and lots of fun! I am so excited that they decided to stop by the break room. Tarja, you ready, you ready? Yay!!!!!!
THE SPOUSAL STINK-EYE. OR HOW GENIUS IS BORN.
First, let me say thank you to Kelley for giving me the keys to her Break Room. What a great escape!
There are no whiny toddlers, the posts are neatly archived in their bins and the virtual Coke machine gives you free Coke when you jam it with virtual pirate treasure coins. (Kelley, you might want to call the virtual repair man, but in my defense, the Facebook Badge made me do it.)
Also? The adorable Twitter bird on the sidebar keeps singing that Bob Marley song "Three Little Birds (Tweet the Heck Out of This Post)" - I love that song!
Anyway, I really should be doing whatever it is that Stay-At-Home-Moms do, but instead I'm going to tell you about why I'm a genius. And how that genius came to be.
When my son was ten months old (you in the back, pay attention), I decided it was time to start slowly putting words together again. I was going to re-engage in society! Maybe even use several-syllable words! Because once, long ago, I not only knew how to speak English - but I could write it too.
Was articulation lost forever? Pureed along with the pears in the baby food blender? Dumped out with the dumps in the Diaper Genie? The answer was 'no' - but the only words that came to me were "suffocating" and "Nestle Toll House Chocolate Chip Cookies."
My sister suggested a blog and I jumped at that life-raft with all the zest of a sleep-deprived sailor shipwrecked on the isolated island of Who's This Kid & How Did I Get Here & Why Does My Mother Live In A Different State?
It was like a Sandals Resort. But operated by the Navy Seals.
The blog was the first step to making people believe that I was a woman who showered. And it needed a name.
The Diaper Diaries?
Carrots & Peas?
A Playground Affair?
I ran them dutifully past my husband, who evaluated each and every one with the careful analysis of "Whatever."
But the crazy part of me - which I'd say is at least 77.2% - was dissatisfied with these selections. And so I started listening to the small voice that was whispering "What about The Flying Chalupa...do you have the cojones to do it? Huh? Do you?" To which another voice said, "Shut up! I need to mull it over."
And so I lay it before the husband for the The Great Mull of 2009. The response?
Silence.
And the Raised Eyebrow [You're-The-Craziest-Damn-Broad-I-Ever-Done-Met] Stink-Eye.
Which was all the confirmation I needed.
This is, in fact, the very method I use to determine which topics I should write about. If my husband think an idea is "interesting," it is nixed. If my husband suggests an idea, it is politely considered and then it is nixed. If an idea is met with the stink eye? Jack pot.
It mean I've stumbled upon something outlandish and intriguing and flat-out crazy. Solid. Blogging. Gold.
Which isn't to say that what I write is all solid gold. Sometimes it's imitation estate-sale crap. The point is: it's all about the stink-eye.
And now that we're approaching winter, I need my husband's input on that most sacred of traditions: THE HOLIDAY CARD. But will my theory hold true? Will the stink eye reveal a card that's unique and humorous, yet classy? A card that distinguishes itself on your mantle by drop-kicking all those other cards with a karate chop of YULETIDE AWESOMENESS?
I think so. And what's more? These options really convey the spirit of love and unity too.
-------------------------------------------
Making Spirits Bright...With Spirits!
Oh, Holy Night! Check Out My Kid's Sweater Vest.
Joyeux Noel! We Kind Of Speak French. Jealous?
Peace On Earth. Does My Smile Seem Strained?
Fa La La La La! My Family Is Better Than Yours.
Have A Holly Jolly Christmas! Our Closing Pitcher Was Better Than Yours.
Love & Joy! Our Dog Is Cuter Than Yours.
Dreaming Of A White Christmas...Enjoy Our Brag Letter!
Happy Hanukkah! Enjoy Our Son's Photoshopped Smile!
Merry Kwanzaa! Yes. I'm Only Wearing One Earring.
Feliz Navidad! That's Right. We're Christmasing On a Beach. Losers.
Joy To The World, Co-Worker Of My Husband That I've Never Met!
Merry Christmas! Does My Belly Fat Make Me Look Fat?
'Twas the Night Before Christmas....And If Santa Wraps One More Present They'll Vomit
___________________________________________________
Despite the fact that we do not own a dog, celebrate Hanukkah or Kwanzaa, or have ever used Christmas as a verb involving an exotic locale, I'm fairly certain that one of these beauties will make my husband proud to say, "Yeah. I married her. Look at our spawn".
Because stink eye = genius.
FACT.
40 comments:
I think your husband's opinion of your opinions mirrors that of us. She comes up with some real doozies and I just look at her like, "earth to Mary".
Wait, I am confused. (Easily done, btw)
If Stink Eye = Good funny.
And Stink Eye means he's not so sure, not so thrilled (?) Then this leads me to think husband has no sense of humor.
But that obviously CAN NOT be true because he is with you and you are one funny lady.
Too confusing for a Monday morning.
great guest post:) toooo funny!
So, the big question: does the hubs know you're all that funny?
This is important.
Thank you.
(P.S. LOVED LOVED SO LOVED this post...especially the true Xmas cards. Oh, how I wish the whole world would just call them as they see them...I love my chalupa, yes, I do...)
Oooh, Chalupa! Another witty, awesome post (which I again stumbled). I love that you started blogging to use your brain, because that's why I did, too. And anyone who can come up with the name, "The Flying Chalupa" is a literary genius.
I like the "my dog is cuter" idea.
I am stealing every single one of the holiday card ideas.
Cause I'm nasty...er...juvenile...umm....THRIFTY like that.
Yeah. Thrifty. It's recycling.
And so I am in love. Thank you, Kelley, for introducing me to The Flying Chalupa. And thank you, Chalupa, for sitting patiently at your computer while I smother you with Bloggy e-hugs & kisses. Swoon.
I'll have to check out The Flying Chalupa now! But I dunno . . . "flying chalupa" just sounds like a more intense version of "Montezuma's revenge." As in, "Man, I had the #4 combination platter at Carlos and Pepe's Mexican Restaurant, and now I've got a horrid case of the flying chalupa."
Okay, maybe that's just me.
And hello, Kelley! It's my first visit, and I love the look of your site!
Again, thank you SO much for having me, Kelley! You da best, Warren G.
I feel compelled (guilted) into clarifying a few things:
1) My husband is funnier than me when he wants to be. Thankfully, he doesn't make the effort that often.
2) A post is THAT much funnier when a husband is thrown under the bus, am I right? Eh? Who's with me?
3) And of course the hubs knows I'm funny! And beautiful. And brilliant. And practically perfect in every way. The romantic glint in his stink eye tells me so.
I think I married the personality doppleganger of your husband, oh grand Chalupa.
I'm sending you my mailing address in a private email and I've already thrown away all my golden pinecones to make room for one of these cards. I also like, "please include the gift receipts with your very appreciated presents.'
Love it, Tarja! I also use the same Da Vinci code to decipher how I respond to my husband's input.
Let's face it, only one member of the family can be the funny one. Thank God it's you.
Does this mean "The Diaper Diaries" is still available?
good lord woman, The Stink Eye. It's Sooooooo close to saying The Brown Eye, even though it's a *much* different concept. Oy.
Now this. with a karate chop of YULETIDE AWESOMENESS
'tis my goal every single year.
let's compare because I'm so comin' at you with a throat kick!
Yes, Momma Kiss, two very different concepts...but both very funny ;)
Oh, I love The Flying Chalupa - I have a blog crush on her blog and once again, she's got my stumbling how hilarious she is. It's quite possible I've stumbled everything she's ever written. Sigh.
I might have to steal a couple of those Christmas card ideas...
Oh my that was way too funny!! I think men just don't get it because their brain cells haven't been genetically altered by childbirth and saying "No don't do that" 1.2 million times. I love your blog name, and I've been there many times reading your hysterical posts. Love the Christmas card list. Too many favorites to pick one. You know you have a winner if he goes "huh?"
Hey, girlfriend, I just posted the Lying Game. I changed up the rules a bit. Hope you approve. :) It was fun. Thanks for challenging me with it.
Be well!
xoRobyn
Ah yes, the cranial atrophy syndrome is what drove me to start a blog. I had no clue what I was beginning, just knew I had to do something to save the remaining brain cells from going where the others did (does anyone know where it is they do go as I'd like to get the rest back at some point).
Yet another masterpiece
What a cool gal. Definitely going to check her out. Well, that came out wrong. I like the Our dog is cuter than yours name.
oh yeah. I am loving Tarj's Xmas card ideas. Sweet. Thanks for helping me with my card, Tarj!! ;)
I think as long as you can also say "I want" with "Nestle Tollhouse Cookies," you don't need to know how to say anything else. Well, maybe a few other variations, like "Where are the cookies?"
My favorite line for the holiday card is "Oh, Holy Night! Check Out My Kid's Sweater Vest."
Ah, we finally learn the history behind the choosing of the blog name....and who knew a stink eye could be so powerful?!
And your holiday cards ideas? Brilliant. They just seem to sum up everything jolly and bright, and you may as well just get those sentiments out in the open so people don't have to guess the message behind the picture.
Another home run, Tarja....because yeah, our closer was better than theirs.
I'm totally going to poach one of those lines for this year's Christmas card.
Chalupa, I think you've found your calling. The holiday card industry needs your wit! These are really, really brilliant.
You have given me some new ideas to add to my Christmas card arsenal. Before my blog, this was the only place I could publicly humiliate my family once a year.
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You're right you are a genius!!! I especially like the Husband Co-worker I've Never Met. I'm thinking about sending out this holiday card:
Merry Christmas to My Jewish Friend....Jesus Loves You.
Here's why it's great (and the fact that I have to back it up means it prob won't be getting the stink eye in your house) my in-laws are die hard-there-is-no-other-religion-but-ours folks, I'm an atheist, and also, I have so many Jewish friends who say that no matter what people always tell them "merry christmas."
Clearly you have missed your calling as a Christmas Card writer.
Christmas Cards are big things at our house (notice how I even capitalize both words of the name. They are that important) My husband has been known to go to four different stores to pick out just the right ones.
For some reason I think that if I tried to get one of these ideas past him I would get the stink eye...and the padded room with a straight jacket thrown in. Of course sometimes humor comes with a price.
Just one question. What is this mystical thing you all are discussing. A Christmas card? I tell you I have been married for 8 and been a mom for 7 Christmas' and never sent out any such thing.
I love it. Very funny. The X-mas card sayings are fantastic. I live in Florida, so when I send the Santa on the beach cards, it ticks off all my friends up north.
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