Remember the turkeys at Halloween this year

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Doesn’t anyone think about the turkeys at all during this week before Halloween?  Does anyone ever wonder if they are able to enjoy this week of candy eating and trick-or-treatin’ knowing that in just a few short weeks their heads are going to be HISTORY??  All of you are either frantically trying to decide what your little JJs, Jimbos, Ginas and JoJos are going to be this year OR you are trying to get the details of your costume all in line.  At the end of the day, it all comes down to you, you, you. 

DID YOU EVER STOP TO THINK ABOUT THE BLASTED TURKEYS?!?!




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 Belieeeeeeeeeve me, allllllllll of those little turkeys would love nothing more than to all slip on their Groucho Marx glasses (turkeys are NOT creative and have VERY limited resources) and trick-or-treat all over the cotton-pickin’ forest.  I have had the privilege of sitting down with more than one turkey in my life and KNOW that they don’t go trick-or-treatin’ for the treats, people.  No, they don’t.  It doesn’t take but a few brain cells to know that forest “treats” are way worse than any of the treats I lambasted in my Trick…or Treat? post last week.  Don’t you know that Timmy, Tony, Tanya, Tina, Ted & Tasha Turkey would love to get their claws on at least a Necco wafer, half of a pack of Smarties or one of those creepy Peeps???  They’d even go for half a Charleston Chew!  There is no Walgreens at the corner of tree and tree, so they try not to complain about the acorns, corn, and regurgitated grass plopped in their plastic pumpkins by the squirrels, deer and cows.  Folks, turkeys don’t go trick-or-treating for the tricks or for the treating, they just participate in it to socialize and build relationships that don’t. last. long. 

Every grown-up turkey alive in America today will be preparing for their upcoming demise or the mourning the demise of a loved one on the inside while trying to smile on the outside for the sake of little turkeys this Halloween week.  It is a sad state of affairs, you wretched carnivores.  Turkeys are generous and selfless birds and want nothing more than their children to pounce all over the place dressed as Groucho Marx without a care in the world on October 31st.  It is amazing how mama turkeys can tow their little turkey tots in their swagger wagons to this festival, that party and this pumpkin patch with so many stories of loved ones and friends weighing on their minds.  Terry Turkey once told me a story that went a little something like this:



picture of a smiling turkey Pictures, Images and Photos
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One day Worky Turkey, Jerky Turkey (who has an attitude from HADES, I tell you!) and I were doing our chores alongside that loose Bezerky Turkey, who absolutely needed to be laid off given her mental instability (she came to work in her stankin’ BATHING SUIT, for cryin’ out loud!), when…BAM!!  No more Bezerky Turkey.  We wanted BT to find another job but not get totally decapitated!!  Horrible!!  None of us knew any better.  A “Tyson” truck had approached our little factory where we bagged berries all day and picked ol’ Bezerky right up like they owned her or something.  She actually thought the truck had something to do with Mike Tyson.  At first, she was completely thrilled to see the truck because a) she had seen all of Tyson’s fights and b) her favorite part in her beloved movie “The Hangover” was when Mike Tyson started singing that Phil Collins song.  Right when she spotted the truck, she started swaying with her head tossed back while belting out “I can feeeeeeeeel it cooooooooming in the air toniiiiight………….hold on…” when she froze with berries still clutched in her claws.  That’s when she flat out soiled herself.  She had apparently remembered that Mike had a tiger in that movie and was thinking we were all going to be that tiger’s snack.  It turns out only one of us was going to be a snack that day… 

I’ll stop the story right there, friends.  You don’t need to know anymore of the horrid details.  I just felt compelled to share the turkey point-of-view with you this week, as their story often goes untold.  Remember them.  Remember them.  I’m not asking you to forego your turkey at the table this Thanksgiving (I won’t be!!!!!  Where’s mah nahf??) but, for the love of all things that taste like Pepto Bismol, let the Turkeys bob the heck out of some apples in peace this Halloween, would you?  Let them enjoy this last holiday with their families.  Put down your forks and knives.  If it’s not too much trouble, toss them a reeeeeeeeeal nice chocolate-y treat if you see one gobble-gobble-gobblin’ in your neighborhood.

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