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| PJ and I during our photo shoot for this post. |
If she would let me, I would blast pictures of "PJ" (her alias) across this blog for you all to see. I then would tell you a little bit about her and have her write out some hilarious stories for you to read. You would crack up. Seriously. You would. You would literally crack up. You would need to cover yourself from head to toe in some really strong tape or Super Glue or suh-in after you finished reading her stuff in the break room. Unfortunately, that will never happen because one of my best friends for over 10 years now wants to remain in obscurity. BOO. PJ is one of the main reasons, if not THE reason, I am writing this silly blog in the first place. I always thought blogs were too time-consuming and for other people besides me, but PJ insisted that I try it out. So, blame her for this mess.
The two of us often have entertaining discussions (oh, alright, sometimes we throw punches) about pointless topics, such as:
a) The REAL meaning behind the name of the store "Big Lots"
b) Why did Jimmy crack corn and why doesn't anyone care?
c) What color would YOU say is the top of a piece of candy corn?
d) Why in the hiz-eck did the makers of "Chick-O-Stick" stick the word "chick" in the name of their candy? What's a chicken got to do, got to do with it? What's a chicken but a second-hand emo...sorry. I'll stop.Our latest conversation: other uses for Halloween candy. This was actually more of a collaboration over the phone. On Friday, all of us here in the break room discussed among ourselves lame (Smarties!!), sorry (Peeps!!), pointless (Necco wafers!!), tasteless (Smarties again!!) and boring (those stankin' Smarties yet again!!!) Halloween candy. (Did you miss that conversation? Click here to catch up.) What we didn't discuss was...what do you do with alllllll of that candy, both good and bad, once you receive it? If you eat it all, you may enter your house looking like Mike Meyers in "So I Married An Axe Murderer" and leave it looking like the Mike Meyers as Fat Bastard from "Austin Powers".
BEFORE attacking the Halloween candy bowl:
AFTER attacking the candy bowl (and dyeing your hair):
Instead of eating it all and requiring WD-40 to get you in and out of doorways, consider these...
7 alternate uses for your Halloween candy:
#1 Milk Duds- Take one of those suckers, stick above your right eyebrow, start singing "I don't know much, but I know I love you..." in a real wavy-sounding voice and tell everyone you are Aaron Neville this Halloween. 
#3 Dots- Actually, any really chewy candy can work here, including the leftover Milk Duds from your Aaron Neville costume. Simply offer a small box of a really chewy candy to someone who is talking incessantly about a topic that does not interest you. The candy will keep their jaws very busy for quite some time resulting in their inability to carry on their conversation any longer. You will be able to escape the pain while appearing generous at the same time.
#4 Orange Foam Peanuts- Mix them in with your packing peanuts for an extra-cushion-y ride for all of your mailed Christmas presents this year. Your family will be ecstatic that they get a present AND a snack all in one box! Don't worry if they mistake the packing peanut for an orange foam candy peanut. They taste the same! Disgusting! You may want to reserve this idea for your in-laws...
#5 Bazooka Gum- Hand packs of this out at the voting booth in November to the OPPOSITE party. If you are an elephant and wish the donkey would high-tail himself out of the voting line OR if you are a donkey and wish the elephant would get her big butt out of line, HAND THEM SOME BAZOOKA!! The hard, tasteless, short-lasting gum with the bad joke attached will put them in such a foul mood that they'll give up their quest to vote and head straight for the local drug store for a huge pack of Big League Chew or BubbleYum.
#7 Pop Rocks- When people come over unexpectedly, bust out your Unexpected Guest Kit (click here to read more about that) which comes equipped with Pop Rocks. Toss a handful of Pop Rocks into the mouth of your unexpected guest to divert their attention from your messy house to the explosion going on inside their mouth. Practice this a few times before trying it out fo real.If you have alternate uses for Halloween candy (Smarties, Skittles, M&M's, Twizzlers, Fun Size Snickers bars, Peeps...for cryin' out loud, you know names of candy, don't ye?), don't be stingy with your ideas!! Share 'em!
37 comments:
OMG. I am laughing hysterically, especially about Aaron Neville.
This is my first time ever seeing a Chick O Stick. And it will be my last.
So glad my blog challenge is nearly over so I can get on with reading your funny blog!
Aaron Neville was alllllllllll PJ's idea!! I'm telling you, that girl is hilarious! :)
#1 and #6 had me in stitches. You two have such a sadistic wit together. Next time you HAVE to do lists like these as a VLOG!!! Promise me.
#1 and #4 are my favs! I should so ship the presents to the in-laws with that stuff!
Clever, very clever, I mean who would have thought?
I would totally sprinkle people's food with Pop Rocks, unexpectedly. And I am a big fan of putting candy on your nipples.
Sooo funny! Orange peanuts - so gross!
I LOVE YOU, PJ!!!! :) Really, I do!
You need to get your hands in these REAL smarties. Your head will explode in sugary goodness
http://www.google.com/m/search?site=images&source=mog&hl=en&gl=us&client=safari&q=smarties%20candy#i=13
I already do the jelly bean thing. Is that wrong?
I REALLY like these ideas. They will be implemented in my home. Especially the Milk Dud idea. LOVE IT!
The top of candy corn is pumpkin orange. I will not debate this.
And why do they even MAKE those orange peanuts? Who out there is eating those? I'm not joking, I want to know!!
I'll apologize in advance for the following candy corn rant but now I am forced to debate the candy corn issue.
First, orange is not an option for the top since orange falls in the middle.
The top of the candy corn is yellow then orange with the white tip being the bottom. It is candy CORN, or in other words, CORN that is candy. So the top yellow part is intended to resemble an actual corn kernal much like you would find if you looked at a corn cob.
Okay, somebody let PJ out!!! Step back, step back! As you can see from the above comment, PJ means bidness. You all must know that PJ is a lawyer, though she just uses her superior debating skills for topics like candy corn & Big Lots these days. I am trying to convince her to debut on a monthly basis here in the break room to share her passionate view on trivial topics. She hasn't given me an answer yet...
Hey Annonymous! (I know who you are!) When something is detatched from it's original spot, let's say it's mother for the sake of argument, it takes on a character on it's own and must find it's own legs. For example, babies are born (for the most part) head down. But, we do not require them to move through the world on their heads b/c that is the way they were attached. Therefore, candy corn, when it is seperated from it's ficticious candy mother is allowed to stand on its own fat bottom and be orange on the bottom and white on top!!
That is the long and the short of it in my opinion!
I say bring all of the extra candy to the breakroom so we can eat it while we gab!
You can also use dots to stick posters on the wall. Actually, that's the only thing Dots should be used for. They certainly aren't candy.
I have no advice only a question: what is so fun about a tiny snicker bar?
Nothing.
I love you! I'm in the process of writing a post in acknowledgement of the award you gave me. And please, more posts about candy, I honestly can't get enough...by the end of November I won't fit into my jeans and will be cursing every candy out there, but for now, I'm good!
I once sat next to Aaron Neville on a plane. That mole is like a Milk Dud on top of a Milk Dud. I don't play the fool...
I forgot all about Chick O Stick! As I remember it was kind of flaky like once you bit into it.
And yeah, that mole thing on Neville skeeves me out, but the man has a beautiful voice.
So you bait me to come over with a sweet little comment about how you hope I'll still visit your blog after you bashed my favorite candies from when I was a kid, and I get here and THIS is what you have for me?
:::sigh:::
And the whole jelly bean idea? Yeah. I resemble that. I actually guessed closest to the total number of jelly beans in the jar when I was in elementary school. I WON! I think I won a goldfish, but hey, I WON!
Think I'd have enjoyed a Chick-O-Stick more. ;O)
I'm taking notes about these and investing in some Dots for the next time my son starts to explain some scientific theory to me before I've had coffee. I think Twizzlers (string kind) could replace a broken shoe string at least for a month till I remember to buy replacements or it rains and melts them or he gets hungry.
Ah hahaha! Actually my fav is "Why did Jimmy crack corn and why doesn't anyone care?" Brilliant Kelley, really! You should have a content to come up the most creative answer to that one. You could build in a whole skip to my Lou walked over to crack head Jimmy blah blah blah. I also heart the Aaron Neville candy 2nd use. So creative and thoughtful. Hope your having an excellent Friday. Oh and I saw another blogger encourage you to Vlog these, check please! I see all these on utube por favor :-)
Hey I have a twitter link but not a cool tweet link like you have. Didn't find the option in blogger, how did you do it?
I just have to wonder what kind of messed-up, off-brand candy corn are you people buying? Tiffany is the second person to mention that orange is on the bottom. Orange is in the middle, people! Yellow is the top, orange is the middle and white is the bottom.
And Tiffany, while your point about babies is interesting it totally creeps me out to think about corn being babies or having mothers.
Plus you might feel differently about babies if they were stationary objects, unable to move on their own, who were firmly embedded in their mother and had to be harvested out of their cobs. You might just set those suckers on their heads and pass them out at Halloween.
And don't even get me started about Jimmy and his corn!!
-- "PJ"
I'm going to give the jelly bean idea a try. After all with just two babies to carry around, I've been looking for one helluva heavy thing to cart about in addition lately.
One other thing... why are very small chocolate bars called funsize? Where is the fun in there being less chocolate?
Wow a few more of those DUDS on my face I will look like a Leper!! I am not sure I want to know what part of the Chicken 'Chick o Sticks' come from? No Lie - my father once molded some of those orange circus peanuts into a miniature elephant sculpture ... and people say I'm the weird one? Clearly Kelley seems to enjoy playing with her food! W.C.C.
These sound like very deep conversations that you are involved in. One day we should get together and shoot the breeze on some summer porch somewhere. I bet we'd have hilarious conversations.
Kelley - I think I sniff out the candy discussion days on your blog. I love the pop rock idea. I even thought of taking it a step further. You know how sometimes uninvited family show up for dinner? Well, what if I added a package of pop rocks in with the bacon bits? I'm feeling the need to give this a try. I need to see if the poppiness will start right away or if they would hide themselves until they're sprinkled on the salad and then - POW!!!! Mwahahahaha. =D
Maybe corn doesn't have a mamma, and that is a very sad thing for the poor candy corn. Even sadder that you insist on it going through life on it's head. lol But if Judge PJ has sentenced candy corn to life teetering on one wobbly head instead of a fat YELLOW bottom (you're right about that one! I checked!) who am I to appeal? (Our justice system is clogged up enough, anyway) :)
Oh, speaking of mammas and corn, Jimmy obviously cracked that corn because his mamma told him to, and why don't I care? Because I'm so stinkin' happy she didn't ask me to do it!! I'll just go round in circles instead!
Aaron Neville had me laughing. In a big way. But I do love me some milk duds. Maybe I should just put them all over my face - cause you can't eat just one. That way I'll have snacks for later.
What about Nerds? Slap a coat of glue on your back and throw some on - and voila! Colorful Back Acne!
What a great blog you have. I'm just about to jump on a plane but when I return I will check the place out properly! Thanks for the visit! I'll be back!
Cheese and rice, Aaron Neville?! Frig, you are brilliant!
OMG these are great! Just found your blog and so happy I did...I need a break every once in awhile!
Go to any craft store and pick up a plain jewelry box and a glue gun. Cover it with smarties and, while you're at it, use a fork to whip some Elmer's glitter glue over the top to make it look extra special. Give it to someone you never want to see again.
Lazy Silly Girl
www.lazysillygirl.com
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