|PJ and I during our photo shoot for this post.
If she would let me, I would blast pictures of “PJ” (her alias) across this blog for you all to see. I then would tell you a little bit about her and have her write out some hilarious stories for you to read. You would crack up. Seriously. You would. You would literally crack up. You would need to cover yourself from head to toe in some really strong tape or Super Glue or suh-in after you finished reading her stuff in the break room. Unfortunately, that will never happen because one of my best friends for over 10 years now wants to remain in obscurity. BOO. PJ is one of the main reasons, if not THE reason, I am writing this silly blog in the first place. I always thought blogs were too time-consuming and for other people besides me, but PJ insisted that I try it out. So, blame her for this mess.
The two of us often have entertaining discussions (oh, alright, sometimes we throw punches) about pointless topics, such as:
a) The REAL meaning behind the name of the store “Big Lots”
b) Why did Jimmy crack corn and why doesn’t anyone care?
c) What color would YOU say is the top of a piece of candy corn?
d) Why in the hiz-eck did the makers of “Chick-O-Stick” stick the word “chick” in the name of their candy? What’s a chicken got to do, got to do with it? What’s a chicken but a second-hand emo…sorry. I’ll stop.
Our latest conversation: other uses for Halloween candy. This was actually more of a collaboration over the phone. On Friday, all of us here in the break room discussed among ourselves lame (Smarties!!), sorry (Peeps!!), pointless (Necco wafers!!), tasteless (Smarties again!!) and boring (those stankin’ Smarties yet again!!!) Halloween candy. (Did you miss that conversation? Click here to catch up.) What we didn’t discuss was…what do you do with alllllll of that candy, both good and bad, once you receive it? If you eat it all, you may enter your house looking like Mike Meyers in “So I Married An Axe Murderer” and leave it looking like the Mike Meyers as Fat Bastard from “Austin Powers”.
BEFORE attacking the Halloween candy bowl:
AFTER attacking the candy bowl (and dyeing your hair):
Instead of eating it all and requiring WD-40 to get you in and out of doorways, consider these…
7 alternate uses for your Halloween candy:
#1 Milk Duds- Take one of those suckers, stick above your right eyebrow, start singing “I don’t know much, but I know I love you…” in a real wavy-sounding voice and tell everyone you are Aaron Neville this Halloween.
#2 Chick-O-Stick- Use it as a fan pull, like PJ actually did in her dorm room a looooooong, looooooong time ago (hee, hee…hee? PJ’s lookin’ ticked). You will be glad you don’t have to reach up as high every single time you turn on the ceiling fan. Also, if you want a sorry snack, take a bite of the functional candy without having to get your fingers sticky.
Actually, any really chewy candy can work here, including the leftover Milk Duds from your Aaron Neville costume. Simply offer a small box of a really chewy candy to someone who is talking incessantly about a topic that does not interest you. The candy will keep their jaws very busy for quite some time resulting in their inability to carry on their conversation any longer. You will be able to escape the pain while appearing generous at the same time.
#4 Orange Foam Peanuts-
Mix them in with your packing peanuts for an extra-cushion-y ride for all of your mailed Christmas presents this year. Your family will be ecstatic that they get a present AND a snack all in one box! Don’t worry if they mistake the packing peanut for an orange foam candy peanut. They taste the same! Disgusting! You may want to reserve this idea for your in-laws…
#5 Bazooka Gum-
Hand packs of this out at the voting booth in November to the OPPOSITE party. If you are an elephant and wish the donkey would high-tail himself out of the voting line OR if you are a donkey and wish the elephant would get her big butt out of line, HAND THEM SOME BAZOOKA!! The hard, tasteless, short-lasting gum with the bad joke attached will put them in such a foul mood that they’ll give up their quest to vote and head straight for the local drug store for a huge pack of Big League Chew or BubbleYum.
#6 Jelly Beans-
Carry a huge jar of them around with you everywhere you go and ask people to guess how many are in the jar. Laugh really loud when you ask people to play, as this will surely make them comfortable and eager to give it a try. Possible places for this fun game are in crowded elevators, on stacked escalators, in fancy restaurants, during a church service, in doctor office waiting rooms, while getting your teeth cleaned at the dentist, etc.
#7 Pop Rocks-
When people come over unexpectedly, bust out your Unexpected Guest Kit
to read more about that
) which comes equipped with Pop Rocks. Toss a handful of Pop Rocks into the mouth of your unexpected guest to divert their attention from your messy house to the explosion going on inside their mouth. Practice this a few times before trying it out fo real.
If you have alternate uses for Halloween candy (Smarties, Skittles, M&M’s, Twizzlers, Fun Size Snickers bars, Peeps…for cryin’ out loud, you know names of candy, don’t ye?), don’t be stingy with your ideas!! Share ’em!