Are you hiring, Confucius?


Chinese restaurants have caused some drama in this small family of mine.  It started with my sister…in the 1980’s.  She hated Chinese food and would always cry if my parents wanted her to eat some. [Sidenote:  She now eats great quantities of sushi.  She and her husband actually frequent one sushi restaurant so often their faces were painted on the wall (click here).]  When she was a little squid and crying over not wanting Chinese food, it was likely because she had only tried it once and it was probably “Kung Pao Chicken” that she ate.  One bite surely felt similar to a raging fire ripping through her teeth, tongue, cheeks and soft palate like a cigarette to some dry woods.  I don’t know how else to explain my six-year-old sister flailing around the outside fountain with her mouth wide open.  When she went diving for loose change, her mouth was usually closed.  George Costanza apparently had an unfortunate incident occur after eating Kung Pao chicken as well…

After this incident about my sister that I completely made up, she never wanted to go to another Chinese restaurant again. I remember my parents having a bit of smoke pour from their ears on a family vacation once. All they wanted was for Lisa to get her small feet into “CHINESE FOOD & DONUTS” (we’ve actually never been there) and she was demanding hamburgers. Perhaps the smoke can be explained by the fact that they had just finished off a plate of Kung Pao chicken themselves. Not sure.

Flash forward to 2008ish when Minit Lube down the street transformed into a Chinese restaurant.  I don’t care what beautiful name that nice family agonized over for the title of their beloved eatery, it is “Minit Lube Chinese” to us.  You would think that my arrogant, cocky attitude about the name meant that I have never frequented the place in these last two years.  You’d be wrong, brother.  My boos and I have eaten there several times.  They serve fried wontons before your meal comes out.  Sold.  When sister tried to put some salsa on the table, I yelled, “BE TRUE TO YOURSELF!!!!” followed by “Can we get some more wontons?” in the sweetest voice you ever did hear.  I acted like nothing had happened and she scurried away with our empty basket and plans to refill our teas.  Anyway, I am always stumped by the fact that Minit Lube Chinese isn’t offering “Moo Goo Oil Pan” yet.  My husband, Chris, on the other hand, won’t eat there.  He likes Chinese food, but not when the egg roll is fried in the same oil used to lubricate his car.  He apparently is high maintenance like my sister. 

Most of the time we eat at Pei Wei.

Fortune cookie slippers by Sushibooties,

 So, we know our Chinese restaurants, ‘mmmmmkay?  I have been in enough of them to know they need to step up in the fortune cookie business.  Enough with the slips of paper that say “Soon, a visitor will delight you” or “Minor aches today are likely to pay off handsomely tomorrow”.  No, no friends…no more of that.  Are you hearing me Minit Lube?  How about you, PW?  Here is what I want to see on that little white slip of paper when I karate chop that fortune cookie in half like Ralph Macchio himself:

By the time the clock strikes midnight, you will have left Chinese restaurant.
The lady at front will take your money.
This restaurant want you back.
You will burn down other Chinese restaurant.
(This one is trying to brainwash you)
Soon, your tea will be refilled.
That man on right want you leftover.
It won’t be long and you will be digesting this cookie.
Chris says this fortune should just say: “You will see me again”.
You waiter want big tip.
A big, sweaty man used you fork last week.

If you have any “fortunes” to add, please do.  I plan on sending my list to area restaurants and to Confucius himself even.  I am also going to ask him to see if he can do anything to influence Chinese restaurants across the land to tone down that Kung Pao a notch.  I am getting so embarrassed of my sister’s fountain swimming habit.

Are you still here?  Well, here’s something for you.  Up until 30 minutes ago, I used to think that Modern English was saying “Confucius, open wide” and they are REALLY saying (as if I have to tell you), “the future is open wide”. Haaaaaaaahahahahaha!!!  My “anonymous” reader down there pointed it out to me.  I am pretty sure “anonymous” is a close friend of mine who loves to make fun of my hearing loss!  But, that one WAS pretty good.  It’s only one of my misunderstood song lyrics in my life.  I thought I’d share my disability with you all so you could have a good laugh. Here are some past posts I’ve written about it: I heart subtitles and Could you use a megaphone next time?  Laugh away, homies!!!!!!

Modern English I Melt With You
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