Are you hiring, Confucius?

Chinese restaurants have caused some drama in this small family of mine.  It started with my the 1980's.  She hated Chinese food and would always cry if my parents wanted her to eat some. [Sidenote:  She now eats great quantities of sushi.  She and her husband actually frequent one sushi restaurant so often their faces were painted on the wall (click here).]  When she was a little squid and crying over not wanting Chinese food, it was likely because she had only tried it once and it was probably "Kung Pao Chicken" that she ate.  One bite surely felt similar to a raging fire ripping through her teeth, tongue, cheeks and soft palate like a cigarette to some dry woods.  I don't know how else to explain my six-year-old sister flailing around the outside fountain with her mouth wide open.  When she went diving for loose change, her mouth was usually closed.  George Costanza apparently had an unfortunate incident occur after eating Kung Pao chicken as well...

After this incident about my sister that I completely made up, she never wanted to go to another Chinese restaurant again. I remember my parents having a bit of smoke pour from their ears on a family vacation once. All they wanted was for Lisa to get her small feet into "CHINESE FOOD & DONUTS" (we've actually never been there) and she was demanding hamburgers. Perhaps the smoke can be explained by the fact that they had just finished off a plate of Kung Pao chicken themselves. Not sure.

Flash forward to 2008ish when Minit Lube down the street transformed into a Chinese restaurant.  I don't care what beautiful name that nice family agonized over for the title of their beloved eatery, it is "Minit Lube Chinese" to us.  You would think that my arrogant, cocky attitude about the name meant that I have never frequented the place in these last two years.  You'd be wrong, brother.  My boos and I have eaten there several times.  They serve fried wontons before your meal comes out.  Sold.  When sister tried to put some salsa on the table, I yelled, "BE TRUE TO YOURSELF!!!!" followed by "Can we get some more wontons?" in the sweetest voice you ever did hear.  I acted like nothing had happened and she scurried away with our empty basket and plans to refill our teas.  Anyway, I am always stumped by the fact that Minit Lube Chinese isn't offering "Moo Goo Oil Pan" yet.  My husband, Chris, on the other hand, won't eat there.  He likes Chinese food, but not when the egg roll is fried in the same oil used to lubricate his car.  He apparently is high maintenance like my sister. 

Most of the time we eat at Pei Wei.

Fortune cookie slippers by Sushibooties,
 So, we know our Chinese restaurants, 'mmmmmkay?  I have been in enough of them to know they need to step up in the fortune cookie business.  Enough with the slips of paper that say "Soon, a visitor will delight you" or "Minor aches today are likely to pay off handsomely tomorrow".  No, no more of that.  Are you hearing me Minit Lube?  How about you, PW?  Here is what I want to see on that little white slip of paper when I karate chop that fortune cookie in half like Ralph Macchio himself:

By the time the clock strikes midnight, you will have left Chinese restaurant.

The lady at front will take your money.

This restaurant want you back.

You will burn down other Chinese restaurant.
(This one is trying to brainwash you)

Soon, your tea will be refilled.

That man on right want you leftover.

It won't be long and you will be digesting this cookie.
Chris says this fortune should just say: "You will see me again".

You waiter want big tip.

A big, sweaty man used you fork last week.

If you have any "fortunes" to add, please do.  I plan on sending my list to area restaurants and to Confucius himself even.  I am also going to ask him to see if he can do anything to influence Chinese restaurants across the land to tone down that Kung Pao a notch.  I am getting so embarrassed of my sister's fountain swimming habit.

Are you still here?  Well, here's something for you.  Up until 30 minutes ago, I used to think that Modern English was saying "Confucius, open wide" and they are REALLY saying (as if I have to tell you), "the future is open wide". Haaaaaaaahahahahaha!!!  My "anonymous" reader down there pointed it out to me.  I am pretty sure "anonymous" is a close friend of mine who loves to make fun of my hearing loss!  But, that one WAS pretty good.  It's only one of my misunderstood song lyrics in my life.  I thought I'd share my disability with you all so you could have a good laugh. Here are some past posts I've written about it: I heart subtitles and Could you use a megaphone next time?  Laugh away, homies!!!!!!

Modern English I Melt With You
Uploaded by Celtiemama. - See the latest featured music videos.


Anonymous said... [Reply]

Is that a joke or are your ears playing tricks on you again? I'm pretty sure Confucious is not mentioned in "I Melt with You".

Allison said... [Reply]

My all time favorite fortune is "you like Chinese food."

♥ Vicki ♥ said... [Reply]

*gets up off floor cuz i fell out of chair laughing at moo goo oil pan*

As always, Kelley, you made me snort coffee out my nose!

Kristen said... [Reply]

I want to see: "it be ready in 10 minute" - then the rest is left to your imagination, because a lot can be ready in 10 minute - not just Chinese food.

Yuliya said... [Reply]

Did you know there's X-rated fortune cookies (not the cookie shapes but the fortunes inside)?

How fun would it be to slip those to your restaurant and watch as mayhem ensues?

And not only is the future open wide but sushi is Japanese, you're welcome.

Lindsey said... [Reply]

Laughing my ass off at "you will see me again." I love chinese food, but the chinese doughnuts are so much yummier than the free fortune cookies.

Kelley said... [Reply]

Allison, "you look Chinese food" is a good one! Ha! Vicki, I hope you didn't hurt yourself falling onto the floor. I'm glad you appreciate my "moo goo oil pan". You should try some! Kristen, you are absolutely right- a lot can be ready in 10 minutes. Hmmm...mysterious... Yuliya, I know sushi is Japanese. You're right! I definitely should not have included it in the Chinese restaurant post. My sister avoided all types of food with -ese at the end. Maybe that's what I should have said... Lindsey, I've never had a Chinese doughnut. Have you tried Chinese hamburgers? I've seen a "Chinese Food & Hamburger" restaurant around somewhere.

Kelley said... [Reply]

I meant to say "you LIKE Chinese food", Allison.

FabuLeslie said... [Reply]

Seinfeld, best show of all time. Ironically, this clip isn't from the episode I thought you were gonna show when you mentioned Chinese food... My fave episode was the one with the Chinese restaurant, when they wait forever, and eventually leave so they can make the movie, and then right after they leave, they call their names saying their table is ready. So funny.

Also, mmmmmmm. Sushi. Mmmmm. said... [Reply]

There is only one Chinese restaurant at which I will eat and I think it's partially because they have very complimentary fortune cookies that regularly tel me I'm witty and successful and have a sparkling personality.

W.C.Camp said... [Reply]

Wow I have to say that Chinese food and Donuts place has just about the most PERFECT business plan I could imagine. If they also sold tacos they would cover all three basic food groups!

I have never seen slippers like in the picture but I probably would buy some. Sad to say in REAL LIFE, I have that EXACT 'good luck' cat bank. He only eats money and the good thing is that his litter box rarely needs 'CHANGEing'.

Fortune Cookie message: "Man who eat 'Soy Sauce'in China is admittedly very wise ... man who eat 'SOY sauced' in Mexico is admitting he is very drunk." W.C.C.

Sandra said... [Reply]

Love "I Melt With you"...and what an interesting post idea!...wish I had thought of it...grumble...grumble...

Kellie said... [Reply]

One of my dearest friends is Chinese and she teases us with homemade fortune cookies, I once got a cookie that said "No Cat for you!" Which was insanely hilarious since we were all tasked with bringing a dish to a friend who'd recently "lost" a cat. We howled with laughter as all the fortune cookies alluded to her having cooked the kitty.

Midwestern Mama Holly said... [Reply]

Confucius say - Man who sit on toilet is high on pot.

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