Top 10 Ways to Pass The Time in the Carpool Lane


Okay, y’all…I’ve got to get a more sane post up here fast.  I have been linked in a few blogs over the last week, which I appreciate so very much!  The thing is, many the awesome readers of The Desperate Housemommy, Wonder Friend and Studio Thirty Plus may click on this hee-yer blog and the first thing they’ll see is “The Di Giorno Girls” post about pizza!  Although I am so flattered these wonderful people would recognize me in this way, I just know it’s one step closer to The Hotel Padded Cell. The new people that may drop in to visit my “break room” (take your shoes off, would ye?) may think I am certifiably insane after they read my rendition of Snoop & Katy’s song.  Because the desire will be so strong, they’ll likely chip in money to have me committed. They’ll put the lefttover money they have collected toward a potted plant for my husband and sons with a little card stuck in the dirt saying,

“Sorry we took your cook away, but your wife and mother was cuckoo! You don’t need no cuckoo cook, brothers! Just go visit that cuckoo coconut, pop your own Kettle Corn and thank us later, allicators!”

Before we go any further (back up, people…back uuuuuuup), do yourself a favor and check out the blogs I mentioned above. You won’t be disappointed! My funny blogging friend over at The Desperate Housemommy linked my blog in her post “Here’s to Virtual Girlfriends”. This heee-yer “break room” was one of three blogs she was recommending that her readers check out. I was also linked in Wonder Friend’s Blogroll Schmogroll post as one of the three blogs she was recommending that her readers peruse (I’ll tell you what that means later) last week. And, LASTLY, I am the featured blogger of the WEEK over at Studio Thirty Plus. Jules from Mean Girl Garage and Jerrod run the show over there and are super nice, smart & witty people. I TRULy do appreciate all of this blog lovin’ but feel the urge to clean up this blog and get some sanity up in here for my potential new visitors.  Do you mind helpin’ me sweep?

Here’s my attempt at sanity….  All I want to do is give you my TOP 10 ways to pass the time in the carpool lane. If you are familiar with elementary carpool lines, then you know people are there for a good looooooong while.  It’s ridiculous, people.  Can’t all of your children walk home?  I need to pick mine up!  If you want your child to be the first person picked up, you gotta get to that school around 8:13 a.m. and sit there all the live long day.  I tried that once last week and got so dang hungry around noon that I ate my tire tread and had to walk home with a horrible stomachache (which means what, my friends?  More Pepto Bismol for me!  Woo to the hoo!).  Despite indulging in my pink milk shake, that just wasn’t a good scene overall.  Typically, I have to wait 20 or so minutes in the carpool line before snatching my little dude and peeling out of the parking lot like a racecar driver (think heavy, huge clouds of smoke masking our exit out of the sweet parking lot of my son’s school with my “hang loose” hand sign jutting out of the driver’s side window).  Anyway, during those 20 minutes, I just kept thinking about how much precious time was passing as my car was passing gas or wasting gas…whatever.  The last couple of days in the carpool line have been pure bliss given my new tips that I am going to share with you for free of charge.  I first shared some of my tips on my personal Facebook page and received such inspiring wisdom from some friends and family that I felt I must share them with you. 


#10 Call everybody you know, make appointments with your nail lady, hair lady, lunch lady, First Lady, all the single ladies and talk your face off.  And, yes, it is illegal to talk on the phone in the school zone.  I’m not serious here.  Sit back down & quit gettin’ all huffy, son!
#9 Yodel as loud as you can.  This provides entertainment for the parents waiting in front and in back of you.  If you can really master the yodel, all the parents can hear from the front of the line to the back and will be immensely grateful for you. 
#8 Do jumping jacks when your car is at a complete standstill.  Make sure you get out of it.  I’ve tried doing them behind the wheel and banged up my knees pretty bad.
#7 My neighbor and friend, Pam, said you should also trim your eyebrows as the lighting is absolutely perfect for it.
My cousin and friend, Kelly, said she keeps a keg and a full bar set-up in her trunk to partake in while waiting in the carpool line.  She’s the neighborhood trunk drunk apparently.  I have a low tolerance for trunk drunks on school grounds, people!  I don’t know why you thunk I liked trunk drunks, cousin! 
#6 Play “Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star” on your car horn.
#5 Get your bucket and squeegee and just start wORSHin’ windas.  Model the window washers on the corner and DO NOT ASK if the parents want their windows washed.  Slap the sudsy water on the winder and make that window shine!  When finished, stand outside the window for a really long time until the parent feels compelled to search for change.  Keep an eye out for your kid so you can jump back in your car at a moment’s notice.
My cousin and friend, Kelly, said to try to get dirty looks from neighbors by rolling your own homegrown cigarettes.  I ain’t like cigarettes nowarz, but especially not on school gray-younds!  Geeeeeeeeeeze Louuuuuuuuu-weeeee-yeeeeeeez, cousin!
#4 Get your shoe polish out and write sweet and loving messages to your child all over your car.  “This is BOCEPHUS’S car!!”, “Welcome home, boy!” and “How was scoo?” are some of the thing I wrote on our SUV last week, in addition to various ladybugs, flowers, footballs and slugs I drew in every open space I could find.
#3 Make homemade tamales and go around to each window to see if anyone is interested in eating the heck out of your masterpiece.
#2 Get your towel out and sunbathe on the roof of your car.  You may need several towels.  My back is blistered as I type this mess.
#1 Get your megaphone out and every few minutes yell into it like I do with things like, “SON!!  You comin’ out soon?” or “Mama wants to know when you comin’ out, son!” or “Mama ain’t forget ye!  I’m right hee-yer!  Quit hidin’ behind that thar trash cay-yun.  Mama’s sees you!  You playin’ hide-and-go see-yeek?  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!  Now’s not the time, son!”.  I then break into singing “The Muffin Man” while walking up and down and around the cars as if I’m actually searching for him, but you can choose whatever song you’d like.
That wasn’t very sane, was it?  Oh, well.


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