Dad: "Kelley, do you mind if I stop by with my golf buddies to say hello after my golf game?"
Me: "How far away are you, Dad?"
Dad: "About 10 minutes."
Me: "Noooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!! Dad, the house is a MESS. I've got a mountain of laundry in the living room and there are dishes in the sink!"
Dad: "What's new?"
Me: "Dad, please just let the boys and I come out to say hello to you in the car. PLEASE call me when you turn on our street".
And there they were. They kept saying over and over, "Oh, we don't care what your house looks like (you stinkin' unworthy mother of two). We came to see your boys (so we could find them a more fit home)! We don't even SEE the dishes in the sink (overflowing onto the floor and out of the front door and into the street and down the drain and into the sewage and out into the bayou and into the port and out to the Gulf and...). Stop being so worried (because CPS won't arrive for at least another hour). Women are always so worried about what their houses look like (and your house looks just like a landfill, you dusty varmint!)."
I need at least a good week to get the house ready before guests come over. Okay, an hour would be great. I WANT to have the kind of house where someone could drop by out of nowhere and I don't feel like crawling in my air ducts. One of the main reasons I want a pristine house at all times is because I always forget to close the air duct grate all the way when I crawl into it and end up being discovered by Unexpected Guest, which makes my humiliation absolutely skyrocket. I also don't really fit in the air duct well & have been known to emerge with a fuzzy dust in my hair that remains there during the entire vist with Unexpected Guest. How awkward.
So, I've developed The Unexpected Guest Kit (UGK), only to be used on days when your house, your outfit and your hairdo are absolutely hideous, which includes:
- SHOE BELLS- place these at the end of your driveway or on your front porch with a sign that says "Put these on your sneaky feet, for goodness sakes, so I can have a 5 second warning that you are about to ring the doorbell & make me feel like a giant horsefly." These 5 seconds will be just enough time to activate the rest of your UGK.
"Oh, I am so glad you stopped by! Please do come in. How are you?.......How's work going?.......How old are those kids now?........Who won the World Cup?.........Have you seen gas prices these days?..........Isn't the weather something else?.........What did you do last weekend?...........Have you eaten at that new Chinese restaurant?........Have you gotten on Facebook yet?.............Are you on Team Edward or Team Jacob?.........Do you Twitter?............What's the latest with the oil spill?................."