Top 10 Rules of Elevator Etiquette

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Although I would never step into a closet with a tightly sealed, impossible-to-open door with a disheveled stranger that I’ve known for 0 seconds, I essentially do this every time I step into an elevator, like most of us.  This guy on the right seems to enjoy the heck out of the elevator, but not all of us are so free.  Some of us need help.  If you are sometimes at a loss for just what to do around an elevator, please take note of the following tips:

                                                       
#1  When you arrive at the elevator, make sure you stand really close to the person waiting beside you.  Make sure you cast them sideways glances every few seconds and when you catch his or her eye, smile widely.
#2  Once the elevator arrives, try to enter it at the same time as the person waiting beside you.  If possible, try to get caught in the door at the same time so you can both giggle and sweat together

If you don’t quite time the elevator entrance right and have to shuffle past each other, make sure you ask really loudly, “Do you wanna dance?” followed by loud and obnoxious laughter.  People just love these types of jokes and will definitely search you out in the hallways thereafter for comic relief.

#3  Once inside the elevator, try to go for the floor button at the same time as your elevator partner (EP).  If you are not able to time this interaction just right, and if you are beside the elevator buttons, ask EP what floor he or she hopes to arrive to should the elevator not burst into flames or get caught between floors.  If EP is beside the buttons, simply demand that he or she press floor 7 immediately or you’ll push the red emergency button.
#4  If the doors remain open for more than 1 second, frantically push the “close” buttons.  Know that the elevator doors have no intention of closing unless you push that “close” button like a maniac.  I’ve heard of people entering an elevator who are teething and leave needing dentures because someone flat out forget about that blasted button.  You may push the “open” button only if a person trying to enter the elevator has one leg inside.  If anyone is farther away than that, push that “close” button like it’s oxygen for your blood.  Make sure to provide no one eye contact while pressing that button like a woodpecker on an oak tree.  You can’t waste the energy.
#5  While on the elevator, hum your heart out.  People really like to listen to public humming, especially when packed tight together like sardines.  It gives everyone around you a chance to play “name that tune” in the middle of their humdrum day.  Also, if you ENTER the elevator humming, you receive greater admiration.  Your bravery and love of life will immediately impress your fellow passengers.
#6  Don’t forget to look up at the top of the elevator where the passing floors are shown.  You need to look up there every 2 seconds or the elevator will not stop at your floor.  Do not worry if everyone around you thinks you are part pigeon.  If you are part pigeon, please, for goodness sakes, do not poop in the elevator.              
     
#7  Master the art of elevator Tetris and your comfort levels on that machine will soar.  Every nook and cranny of that small square needs to be filled with your feet, your hair-do, your hind-end and whatever you brought with you- an umbrella, your child, a garden hose, sea shells you collected when you were a child, etc.  People are not at all offended if your hair is right underneath their nose and your small child is situated under their armpit.  There is only one chance to catch an elevator per day, for crying out loud, and you’re going to get ever-THANG on thar!
#8  Master the ELEVATOR SHUFFLE and your comfort levels on that machine will REALLY soar.  If you enter the elevator alone, press your button & go to the back left-hand corner.  If someone else is already on the elevator, go to the same corner he or she is standing in and stand immediately in front of that person.  If they try to shift to the other side, follow directly behind them and try to touch shoulders with them.  If they give you an ugly look, press the red emergency button immediately.
#9  If at any point eye contact is made, comment about the weather.  People absolutely get giddy over talking about the weather.  If that small talk topic doesn’t come to mind, bring up the World Cup.  When your EP starts getting specific about who played when and who won which game, press the emergency button immediately and act like you’re fainting.

IF eye contact has been made, you are now obligated to wish the person well for the remainder of their day. It is always best to mumble “haveagoodday” while almost tripping over your feet and not giving eye contact. If you do provide eye contact and slow your speech a bit, you may be able to enjoy a slam into the chest of the person entering the elevator. If this happens, most definitely say “Do you wanna dance?” again.  Smile the most gigantic smile you can muster and pray that you have specks of basil in your teeth leftover from the Lean Cuisine Italian meal you had for lunch.  This will score you lots of points in everyone’s book and may result in a promotion, if this occurs in a work elevator.

#10  Once the elevator doors open, propel yourself out of the elevator like you have been set free from a tightly pulled slingshot.  If you realize that you have exited the wrong floor, act as if you have been called to finish a heart surgery and have no time for dilly-dallying.

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