“HEY! I used to be a fat caterpillar, for cryin’ out loud! And I also lived in very cramped, dark, lonely and dusty quarters BY MYSELF for a while, too!! I’d ZIP IT if I were you!”
Getting all bent out of shape like that made my antennae fall off and would make me wrinkle my nose too much, which would then mess up my black face paint (and completely humiliate me). After too much time spent in the bathroom trying to fix that black tar, I decided to let those haters not affect me. I wonder if you knew of my passion for black butterflies, Drama Mama? You make my heart smile. Anyway, those of you who are not just completely fed up with my absolutely ridiculous tangents and are still reading (black butterflies rule, fool!!), you will want to check her little poopy blog out for some smiles. She has a cute picture of her son with a diaper on his head featured in a recent post. If that’s not reason enough to get over THAR right NAH-YOW, I don’t know what is, sister!
People love for you to talk so much they can’t say a word. Watching your flapping mouth puts them in a trance and helps them relax. At the beginning of the day, your friend will have a hard time deciding if she wants Fancy Nail to shave her foot half off with that heel exfoliator during a relaxing pedicure or if she wants to engage in a conversation with you for some time of peace. If you notice that your friend is inching toward the door during your conversation, well, then, for goodness sakes, get in front of it and start telling her about how much your bunion hurts. It is your duty to cram her heads with as many words as will fit in the longest time possible. You are looking for her hair to turn various shades of gray before you stop barricading the door with your gargantuan mouth.
Everyone loves for people to talk incessantly about themselves, all of their possessions and all of their talents. Whenever possible, please be sure to mention how much your house and car costs. If possible, casually leave receipts of extravagant purchases in places where you friend might see them. (I have found taping it on their steering wheel works nicely). If you feel you can run faster than your friend, then by all means, challenge them to a street race. If they are on their way to a wedding, college finals, heart surgery or something along those lines, let them know it won’t take long. Tell them you just want to see how much faster you are than them and that you are hoping to see them cry hysterically.
Trust me when a friend is telling you about his achievements or the achievements of his children, loved ones, etc., he is hoping you will waste no time topping it. He wants you to make him feel like a complete moron and waste of space on earth. Everyone enjoys feeling this way! By never recognizing and validating the wonderful things you friend has done or experienced, you are helping him feel more like a moron today than he did the day before. That’s all anyone can ask for! If you need assistance in getting this behavior down to a science, please spend a great deal of time (skip all activities related to personal hygiene, if you have to) reviewing this clip of “Penelope”, a character of Kristen Wiig’s (my favorite!) on Saturday Night Live.
Begin early. If your friend answers the phone at 5 a.m. sounding a bit annoyed, realize IT IS NOT YOU! They are thrilled you are calling so early and probably had a bad dream. If your friend does not sound interested in talking, keep yapping in their ear for the next few minutes until his or her voice becomes stronger. If your friend hangs up after a few seconds, by all means call back. Keep calling back until someone answers the phone. You may have to go through several changes of clothes and a couple of Christmases, but KEEP DIALING THOSE NUMBERS. Your friend wants to talk to you and is probably just busy dusting her coasters or ironing her pillowcases. Do not give up. If needed, go to her house, get in front of the living room window and jump up and down wildly while waving your arms while yelling, “IT’S ME!!! Your friend _______! We got disconnected!” If your jumping turns out to be a bit too rambunctious causing you to crash through the living room window, whatever you do, do not offer to pick up the glass or pay for the damages. Your time is better spent trying to figure out why your friend is avoiding you.
5. KEEP NO SECRETS
Secrets are so 80’s! With all that you have to keep up with these days (your keys, for example), the last thing you have time to do is keep a secret. So, when something is told to you in completely confidence, be sure to push the “record” button on your tape recorder softly. It is imperative that you do this quietly as you do not want to ruin the surprise. Your friend will just be beside himself or herself when he or she realizes you have recorded such a private conversation to share with the whole world. They are going to want you to get that sensitive dialogue to the nearest mass communication outlet you can- e-mail, Facebook, Twitter or your very own blog. If possible, please attach their name, address, phone number, e-mail address and social security number to all messages. Nothing will get you more friends than letting the world know ultra-private information about your special friend. It is very likely at some point in this ordeal that your friend will give you a big hug. Now you may feel like that hug is turning into a headlock. Rest assured, your friend is teasing with you. Stop being paranoid.