Bathrooms can be awkward places (just check out the article "Potty Talk" , which made me laugh so hard I cried!). The whole process of getting there, being there and leaving there can be awkward. I feel I might as well be yelling out loud as I approach the restroom:I AM GOING TO PEE! In just a few moments, I will be SITTING ON A TOILET! I will probably use TOILET PAPER! When I come out, I will have JUST USED THE TOILET! TOILET! TOILET! TOILET!
Since there is no escaping the bathroom (unless there is a window...check the last stall), then the ones I use must meet some high standards in addition to being clean, having a sink and giving me a hole in the ground.
I want:
- LUSCIOUS SOAP- I want it fluffy & I want it to smell like rubbing alcohol. Watered down Palmolive in the ratty container does not cut it. I expect the highest quality soap even when using the restrooms of my local gas station, nail salon and craft store.
- A BABY CHANGING TABLE- If a restaurant doesn't have one, it might as well be saying: MOTHERS OF INFANTS & TODDLERS, PLEASE FORAGE THE DUMPSTER OUTSIDE FOR YOUR MEAL! WE WISH YOU WERE NEVER BORN! It is hard enough to change my 2-year-old's diaper while he is trying to do crunches. To balance an exercising toddler for a diaper change on top of the automatic hand dryer that someone is in the middle of using is asking too much! His back is hot!!
- TODDLER-PROOF DOOR HANDLES: The door handles that automatically unlock when you push down on the handle are not my friends. They cannot play with me anymore. My 2 y/o routinely pops the lock open while yelling, "I LOVE TO HUMILIATE MY MOM! HAHAHAHAHA!!! LOOK AT HER FACE!! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!".
- LESS INSULTING SIGNS: I read a bathroom sign today that one could only see when LEAVING the restroom that pleaded, begged, bribed, blackmailed and threatened patrons with pocket knives to NOT FLUSH DIAPERS DOWN THE TOILET. Diapers. Dang it! I had to high-tail it BACK to the last stall and rescue that water-logged Pampers from the gaping and starving mouth of the ravenous toilet bowl! I flush fully engorged diapers down small toilets all the time! Why not? In fact, extra care must be taken when opening our coat closet at home or else you will be quickly buried in an avalanche of rubber plungers of all sizes and colors.
- STALLS THAT BLOCK EYE CONTACT: I expect a bathroom stall to come up higher than my shoulders. When they don't, conversations like this happen:
I am not asking for much. Not every restroom has to have the lady standing in the corner selling bobby pins, squirts of perfume, gum and mascara to make me happy.Hiiiiiii theeeeerre. I am going to take JUST a second to sit down...okay, here I go...sitting... Okay, back up. HA! HA! PEEK-A-BOO!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! I am just so dang nervous. Still working on the zipper. [nervous smile] Gotta adjust the Spanx. This is going to take...a....min....ute. You're turn! You're it! Hahahahahahaha! [Laughter quickly ends. Hands get washed in seconds. I then run quickly out of the bathroom with toilet paper plastered to my shoe]
15 comments:
With respect to the doors that too easily open?
My younger daughter used to come into the stall with me (when she was about 3), and after she went potty first, she was supposed to stand next to the door and wait for me to go. But she started doing what she called "Her show," which sounded like, "And now . . . ladies and gentlemen, I give you Mommy the naked butt pee-er!" And she would fling the door open and spread her arms wide in presentation.
We did that about 5 times, and then I decided 3 was old enough to use her own damn separate stall.
Love your post!
Lol, too funny! Even funnier since I leaned against the stall door just last week while waiting for my 2 older girls to do their thing, my one year old in arms. The stall door popped open (I think the girls didn't lock it right?) and WHOOSH!! The baby and I flew out the door and landed flat on my fanny in front of the gathering crowd. Can we start a petition? :)
Hi Kelley. Thanks for coming to my blog. I was a little scared with that blog flow thing because I am not trying to sell anything or get a million followers. I just want to meet other fun bloggers. I was so glad to see yours. Yeah! A real blog, not an advertisement : ) This cracked me up. I felt the same way about being pregnant. Like a walking billboard that screamed I GOT LAID!! haha I was young. I am now following. BTW my maiden name is Kelley.
I hate it when someone is in a "one-holer" and didn't lock the door. Don't get all indignant when I walk in on you; it's not like I wanted to cath someone with their pants down.
oh man, I hate public restrooms! I swear my 5 yr old wait until we get to a store to have to go potty! It grosses me out!
This was extremely humerous and very true.
Happy SITS Saturday Sharefest
especially agreed on that childproof lock thing. i nearly flashed my lady bits to the busy ladies' room at ikea today courtesy of my 3 year old. awesome.
Coming through from SITS!
Way too funny!!! I was just someplace the other weekend that didn't have a changing table and I was pissed. I had to deal with my child rolling off the small blankie that I had laid on the floor (gross) to change her dipe!! Not the easiest or most sanitary situation!!!
This totally made me laugh though!!!
Okay. It's official. blogger hates me. Yes, it's personal. I have tried to leave you not one, but two! comments in response to this post, but both times I got a message saying "blogger service interrupted." yeah....so this time, I'm not going to comment anything witty, clever, or unique. That way, Blogger will be sure to post this one!!
Love your stuff! Stalking you from MBC!!
YES!!!! It worked! The trick seems to be (for me) to say something really dumb and Blogger posts it. Now I know!! I'll stop by often and say random dumb things to you! ;)
Hi Kelly - re: your mommy lite comment? Sweet? Sweet like a knife to the temple! Wish they'd let me sleep. That's free! HA!
oh my... this one made my eyes water! I love it!!
SOOOO FUNNY!
I don't have kids, but I love carrying engorged diapers around in my purse to flush away for fun. Sounds like we're soul sisters!
I think my kids just like seeing what public bathrooms look like at different stores, restaurants, home improvement stores, etc. They ALWAYS have to go when we are out.
Mari
So funny! And, so recognizable! :-D
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Comments make me feel like I'm not talking to the wall. Don't get me wrong. I love talking to walls. Some of my best friends are walls. Still, I like hearing from you, so thanks!