Top 5 things I need from my public restroom

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Bathrooms can be awkward places (just check out the article “Potty Talk” , which made me laugh so hard I cried!).  The whole process of getting there, being there and leaving there can be awkward.  I feel I might as well be yelling out loud as I approach the restroom:
I AM GOING TO PEE!  In just a few moments, I will be SITTING ON A TOILET!  I will probably use TOILET PAPER!  When I come out, I will have JUST USED THE TOILET!  TOILET!  TOILET!  TOILET! 
Since there is no escaping the bathroom (unless there is a window…check the last stall), then the ones I use must meet some high standards in addition to being clean, having a sink and giving me a hole in the ground.

I want:

  1. LUSCIOUS SOAP– I want it fluffy & I want it to smell like rubbing alcohol. Watered down Palmolive in the ratty container does not cut it.  I expect the highest quality soap even when using the restrooms of my local gas station, nail salon and craft store. 
  2. A BABY CHANGING TABLE– If a restaurant doesn’t have one, it might as well be saying: MOTHERS OF INFANTS & TODDLERS, PLEASE FORAGE THE DUMPSTER OUTSIDE FOR YOUR MEAL!  WE WISH YOU WERE NEVER BORN!  It is hard enough to change my 2-year-old’s diaper while he is trying to do crunches. To balance an exercising toddler for a diaper change on top of the automatic hand dryer that someone is in the middle of using is asking too much! His back is hot!!
  3. TODDLER-PROOF DOOR HANDLES: The door handles that automatically unlock when you push down on the handle are not my friends.  They cannot play with me anymore.  My 2 y/o routinely pops the lock open while yelling, “I LOVE TO HUMILIATE MY MOM!  HAHAHAHAHA!!!  LOOK AT HER FACE!!  HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!”. 
  4. LESS INSULTING SIGNS:   I read a bathroom sign today that one could only see when LEAVING the restroom that pleaded, begged, bribed, blackmailed and threatened patrons with pocket knives to NOT FLUSH DIAPERS DOWN THE TOILET.  Diapers.  Dang it!  I had to high-tail it BACK to the last stall and rescue that water-logged Pampers from the gaping and starving mouth of the ravenous toilet bowl!  I flush fully engorged diapers down small toilets all the time!  Why not?  In fact, extra care must be taken when opening our coat closet at home or else you will be quickly buried in an avalanche of rubber plungers of all sizes and colors.   
  5. STALLS THAT BLOCK EYE CONTACT:  I expect a bathroom stall to come up higher than my shoulders. When they don’t, conversations like this happen:

Hiiiiiii theeeeerre. I am going to take JUST a second to sit down…okay, here I go…sitting… Okay, back up. HA! HA! PEEK-A-BOO!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!  I am just so dang nervous.  Still working on the zipper. [nervous smile] Gotta adjust the Spanx. This is going to take…a….min….ute. You’re turn!  You’re it!  Hahahahahahaha! [Laughter quickly ends.  Hands get washed in seconds.  I then run quickly out of the bathroom with toilet paper plastered to my shoe]

I am not asking for much.  Not every restroom has to have the lady standing in the corner selling bobby pins, squirts of perfume, gum and mascara to make me happy.

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