The movie theaters would be better if…

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I am having a bit of writer’s block.  I think it’s because I developed a Facebook page for this silly blog and now I know some of the faces that read my writing from time to time!  Let me just say that I LOVE that you all stop your busy days to dip into a my world (and crazy brain) for a minute.  It makes me want to do a split leap!  It also makes me a little nervous.  A part of me feels like I can’t write about how I snuck peanut-butter-and-jelly sandwiches into the movie theater last night (we went at dinner time) or ______ will think of me as a cheat and a thief!  Actually, I came down with a horrible blinking disorder right as I passed the “No Outside Food or Drinks” sign.  No, no…that wasn’t it.  Actually, this particular theater’s outside doors were made out of 20+ doors made out of the letters in the sentence “No outside food or drinks”.  I became temporarily blind, had to put on dark shades & had to grab Chris’s shoulder as he led me from the parking lot and through the door made out of a huge “O”.  Anyway, maybe I also shouldn’t write about how I actually brought my 2-year-old to see “Toy Story 3” or ______ will think I am horrible!  What if ______ reads that my 2-year-old yelled “TOOOOOOOOOOOOOOT!!!!” during the movie…when it was quiet?  Will he think I don’t teach my child any manners??  Well, it’s out there.  All of those things happened.  Are you still with me?

Dad?  Is that you?  Well, it looks like it’s just you and me.  MAN!  People are sensitive about that “no outside food or drink” bit, aren’t they?  I know I can always count on you to listen to my silly stories, laugh (point, ridicule, become terrified & quickly run away) at my silly faces and howl at my writing.  It was hard growing up with you being part werewolf, but I love you just the same.  Every time I’d imitate Edith Ann or make a silly voicemail recording, you’d rear back your head and start “aaaaaaaaahhhhhoooooooooooo”‘ing.  Luckily for us, Teen Wolf had just come out when my friends started witnessing your howling at my stories, so it made breaking the news a bit easier. 

Edith Ann:

Speaking of movies, here’s a few tips I have for Hollywood:

1.  Chill with the 3D!  It’s not like EVERY movie needs to be multidimensional and cost as much as a year supply of Fla-Vor-Ice (okay, 2-year supply).
MOVIE GUY: “The cost of admission will be your month’s paycheck, your car, your youngest son, 10 blocks of gold, that gold front tooth of yours, your gold watch, those gold earrings…uhhhh….how about that gold chain you’re wearing?  [Hey, Sarah, you still accepting gold for that melt-your-gold-for-cash-party?]  Okay, I’m going to need you to give me all of your gold teeth.  (Sidenote: I really wish I would’ve put lipstick on before taking that picture on the right.)  Here are your tickets.”

2.  Provide healthier choices at the theater.

If they had just offered a brussel sprouts wrap with a side of cauliflower salad, we wouldn’t feel compelled to get a huge galvanized TUB of buttered popcorn to go with our sandwiches.  I know PB&J sandwiches aren’t the healthiest, but I could stuff them in the diaper bag & then into Bocephus‘s mouth when he started chanting “eat, eat, eat” right smack dab in the good parts of the show.

3.  If you aren’t going to provide a kale-and-olive burrito with a side of hominy, then PLEASE allow for outside food so that my blinking disorder will stop plaguing me at the most awkward (but opportune!) times.

As our family grows, so does the bag I have to tote with me to the theater.  If you would just let me bring in the brisket we smoked and the gigantic watermelon I cut without penalty, I wouldn’t have to act like a small suitcase was my purse.  I also wouldn’t have to fake like my leg was bleeding profusely when watermelon juice starts pooling at my feet.  PLEASE stop the madness and let me bring in a picnic table!  Am I really asking that much??

4.  Fly to Tibet & hire a sherpa to help your patrons scale those dangs stairs with all of their goods.

If I had a Tibetan sherpa to help me carry Bocephus, my brisket, watermelon, picnic table, peanut butter & jelly sandwiches and baby wipes (like *this guy is doing for a movie in the Himalayas), I wouldn’t have arrived at the top of the theater via the back two-flights of stairs standing in a pool (read: gigantic lake) of sweat.  I wasn’t standing for long as I quickly slipped and went all the way back down the 1,452,367+ steps.  I even slipped past base camp complete with yellow tents & pretty, colorful flags which was at the first landing.  Both of my eyes were then black & blue, puffy and half shut which caused everything to be darker. Throwing that situation in with a dark theater and dark 3D glasses was not a good thing.  Did I mention I also just had my eyes dilated 20 minutes before arriving at the theater?  So, count in those dark glasses you had to wear leaving the optometrist that I was wearing, too.  Thankfully, I am part feline, so I was able to see most of the movie.

5.  Make a no-clapping rule in the theater.

Okay, I’m being too picky.  If you like clapping in a theater where the actual actor has no clue that you are clapping, please…clap away. 

Okay, that’s it.  Bocephus & Charlie Pride need me.  They’re throwing oranges at each other.

*This picture was taken from an article by “Oregon Magazine” at http://oregonmag.com/HimaTrek.htm about a trip to Mount Everest.

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