Carpet-eating iguanas for rent

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Seriously, my carpets are nasty.  They all need to be rolled up and eaten like a enchilada by a giant carpet-eating iguana from Mexico (unless you keep warm with a carpet coat or love a good pair of carpet jeans, you are safe to travel there).  Well, look at that.  He’s wandered into my blog and is looking at you right now as you read.  I want all of my carpets to be ripped up and wooden floors to be put in but my kids are not pulling their weight.  How are we supposed to afford new wooden floors when my 2-year-old son takes naps on the job?  So, in the meantime, I squirt the heck out of spots of chocolate milk, juice and crude oil (the oil spill is coming through my back door and I live in Greenland.  This is ridiculous, BP) like a bandito.  It makes me feel vicious and rebellious when I squirt, squirt, squirt, squirt, squirt, scrub, scrub, scrub, scrub, scrub, scratch, scratch, scratch that dirt stain.  I’m a sweating fool when it’s all done that I’ve dripped sweat on the carpet which then needs to be squirted, squirted, squirted, squirted, scrubbed, scrubbed, scrubbed, scratched, scratched, scratched.  It’s a vicious cycle!  I don’t care what product I buy, none of them just make the stain go away (especially the stain from that dang oil).  The only thing that truly gets rid of the stain is to cut the carpet fibers.  After doing that so many times, it looks like the carpet has mange.  Carpet-eating iguanas are very particular about which carpets they eat.  They love carpets with a good dose of dirt in them, but they avoid ones with mange.  I’d kick that iguana in the rear & tell him he needs to be grateful but he’d bite my leg off.  I’ve tried setting that iguana straight before when getting rid of the indoor/outdoor carpet in my garage.  It’s hard hobbling around here cleaning carpets with one leg.  Every time I am getting after those dang spots with my bottle of Resolve,  I fall down & make myself bleed.  This then creates another stain which just sends me into a nervous breakdown.  How am I supposed to eat a sandwich or change a diaper when all I do is clean the stinkin’ carpet???  Imagine how much more difficult life would be around here if I get angry with that iguana again.

All of this carpet talk for me began just a few moments ago when I posted my new Resolve jingle on my Facebook page that went a little something like this:

“If there is a problem, yo, I’ll Resolve it, check out this stain while the chemical dissolves it”

I know it’s bad and that the iguana should have free reign in my carpeted house over the cheesiness of that one.  Songs enter my head all day and sometimes the words get switched around a bit…or completely changed.  (Pssst…if Vanilla Ice or any representative from Resolve is reading this…please contact me ASAP so we can get this commercial on-air).  The problem is, the chemical doesn’t always dissolve it.  That is why I am having a carpet cleaning service come tomorrow.

Hi, Carpet Cleaning duo [it’s always a sweaty man & his wife that comes by], please come in.  I see that you are completely drenched in oil from swimming in my front yard!  You look like a couple of those pelicans I’ve seen on the news.  Hahahahaha!  Man, that’s awful.  Seriously.  As if the oil wasn’t enough, since you were here last, my sons asked to play in the dirt outside.  Since it was so hot, I told them to fill up several large buckets [read: backhoes] and dump them in the middle of the carpet.  They really wanted to make mudpies and since I let them do whatever they want, I told them how to feed the waterhose through the livingroom window.  I also asked them to find some nice neighborhood animals that needed a litter box.  After that, the kids, the animals and I decided it would be fun to fingerpaint on the carpet as well.  We then had a mustard, ketchup and relish fight.  Hahahahaha!!  I hope this job isn’t too big for you two lovebirds.  Hahahahahahahaha!!!  Come on in! 

I really wish I could have Mr. & Mrs. Sweaty Man stand in my coat closet.  It would be awesome to have them come out with their machines and solutions whenever I needed.  I would’ve bought one of those Kirby‘s when the sneaky little farts were in my house demonstrating it’s wonderful powers for three hours straight last time, but the funds were low then, too.  My 5-year-old had just been fired from his job. 

Yo necesito una iguana grande ahora!

P.S.  I never had indoor/outdoor carpet in my garage.

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