I began typing this post last night while I sat at the computer listening to an on-line continuing education lecture starting at 11:09 p.m. I apparently felt the urge to recap my day yesterday with my two little dudes on my _______. Austin is 5 1/2 and Landon is almost 2. Working mothers often ask me “how I do it”- staying “home” all day. Many days the solution is…I don’t stay home. Yesterday I was a “stay-away-from-home-mom”. I had to go to Gymboree at the mall to take back the coordinating sweater vests I had bought for the boys to wear at Easter. I loathe returning anything. I would rather keep those vests & use them as dog clothes than return them. But, I paid full price for them, I have a husband who watches the money & we don’t have a dog.
Below is my recap from our trip to the mall yesterday beginning from 11ish in da moanin’. If I had started from the time they woke up, the list would be a lot longer. Since I value your time, I made it to where you could finish reading this list in 5 separate 30-minute sittings. You’re welcome.
-Found a parking spot at the mall after circling the the lot like a hungry vulture. Actually, a vulture is waiting for something to die. Let me be clear that I wanted no person nor a person’s car to die as I would have been without a parking space. People without heartbeats take SOOOOOO long to back out!
-Realized I was without a stroller for Landon once I pulled into a parking space five hours later.
-Watched Austin point to the “trolley” sign as we walked up to the mall & heard him begin his “TROLLEY! TROLLEY! TROLLEY!” rant (with faint background vocals from Landon- “Trahwey! Trahwey!”). Convinced them to go into Barnes & Noble while we waited…for their amnesia-inducing medication to kick in.
-Stopped right outside the door of B&N because I spelled something funky coming from my hip monkey. I had previously told the diaper bag I couldn’t handle him without a stroller and that I needed him watch to the car for thieves anyway. There were overdue library books in there.
-Trudged back to the car where I found no diaper and a passed out diaper bag. “Who was keeping an eye on *Ellsworth’s Extraordinary Electric Ears & Other Amazing Alphabet Anecdotes???”, I asked in my most disgusted voice. Cleaned the monkey, pulled up his shorts & begged Landon not to pour warm lemonade or hot dog chili down my side. His reply, “HUH?!?” (when he doesn’t understand something, he’ll belt out “HUH?” like an old, deaf man). I stressed that I didn’t feel like slipping in front of strangers. He got it. I also debated whether or not to leave the mall, but decided the worst from his behind was behind us.
-I caught myself daydreaming about him becoming potty trained in one day through this unexpected incident. The trolley chant snapped me out of it.
-Like a lunatic, I allowed Dude 1 & Dude 2 to go into Barnes & Noble for a brief moment. I knew I had a small window from dirty diaper #1 and dirty shorts/floor/my side #2. I bought Austin a “How To Train Your Dragon” book because he loved, loved, loved, loved that movie. From that point forward, Austin showed that book to everyone he met. Everyone.
-Returned my things to a Gymboree sales associate who kept calling me “girl”. “Girl, don’t worry about it, girl. Girl, girl, girl, girl, girl, girl…girl, you know it’s true. Oooo, oooo, oooo, I love you”. I told her that her Gymboree’s sales techniques were crossing a boundary line & she needed to step off. She then informed me that my Gymbucks weren’t good anymore. I told her to change the name of those “coupons” to “Gymbutts”.
-Shared my pathetic story about not having a diaper for my non-potty-trained-two-year-old & bought several underwear. I then asked to use Gymboree’s dressing room. They didn’t have one. That’s when I drew back my lips from my dagger-ish teeth, growled very low but loud enough for her to hear & let out a vicious bark. She repeated in a very high-pitched voice (followed by nervous, high-pitched laughter) that they didn’t have one & pointed me to Sears.
-Prayed, prayed, prayed that drawerless dude would keep it together as I cut through the Black & Decker goods & refrigerators. Once safe in the bathroom, I stuffed the little precious stinker’s doubled-layered underwear with paper towels. He didn’t seem to care…for my total lack of preparation. I stuffed the remaining two underwear in our Gymboree bag.
-Asked the Crocs kiosk lady if they had a 12/13 in navy. She told me they had that size in their downstairs inventory. She told me she would go look for the Crocs & would be back in 5 minutes with them. And I TOLD HER (oh, yes I did!) that we would just come for them after we ate lunch (read: make two rounds in the food court while taking in massive amounts of meat samples, topped off with a thimble of a Thirsty’s smoothie & a cookie piece at The Great America Cookie Company for dessert).
-Thought I’d give the Crocs lady a bit more time (she didn’t look too fast) & coughed up $2 for the carousel ride only to find both boys heading for the stationary bench. “I didn’t just let my lottereh ticket money slip through mah finners so y’all could ride on that thar bee-yunch! Getcher hineys to a bobbing chicken or ostrich, nah-yow!” Oh, and I stuck our Chick-Fil-A lemonade cup in the flat-bottomed bag because drinking & spinning don’t mix on the carousel apparently. I told Ms. Money Collector to tell that to the homeless man with a bottle in a paper bag passed out on the bench behind my sons but she acted like she didn’t hear me. He must’ve been her brother.
-Prayed that Landon would keep his act together because the drink spilled on the remaining two back-up underwear.
-Crocs lady never went to get the navy Crocs. We bought black ones. I made her put the overpriced “jibbitz” (ew…sounds like giblets) into Austin’s new Crocs as punishment. The Crocs holes are the size of the period at the end of this sentence and the Crocs giblets are like giant rolls of paper towels. Austin put on his new Crocs & laid his beloved flip-flops from the dollar store to rest in the bag.
-Finally rode that trolley & listened to Mr. Trolley Man talk, talk & talk about his days as a Texas-to-the-Lousiana-casinos bus driver. I wanted to give him a big hug at the end of that trip for introducing the concept of getting a person or costumer so drunk that they have no memory of how much money they tip you. I was just going to introduce that concept to my sons that night. Thanks, Trolley Man!
-Landon fell asleep.
-Get off the trolley. Austin said he liked his dollar store flip-flops better & he wanted them back on. I made the case for Crocs (sounds like a book by Lee Strobel) & we kept moving.
-Get my sleeping son adjusted in the car, backed out & drove to San Antonio with the hopes that Austin would fall asleep for a minute before karahtay (Hiiiiiii-yaaahhh!! I almost asked for my money back when I realized they never actually said that). Luckily, he fell asleep way before San Antonio (we were in San Marcos).
-Returned home, sat in the driveway with my sleeping boys for a minute & noticed a package on our doorstep. Excited about the expected package, I jumped out only to find it was delivered to the wrong address. The owner’s last name is the same name as my favorite animal mentioned a couple of posts ago. Really!
-The evening ended at a restaurant where Landon was ticked off that sharing meant he couldn’t have every last piece of fried okra off of Austin’s plate. In his despair, he pulled on the curtain next to our table which sent the flimsy curtain rod & thin, dirty curtain into the middle of our cornbread & rolls.
You made it to the end?? Look at you, you speed reader! THAT, my friends, was my day…and that wasn’t even all of it. I know we all have crazy days. Maybe subconsciously I wanted a record of “what I do” in case any asks for proof. I promise not all of my days are like that. I don’t always forget Landon’s diapers. Sometimes that is all I remember.