The Kitty Litter Cake Post

Here is one of her cats hiding out in the pantry.
My friend, Gail, really loves cats, especially her cats.  I have mentioned Gail before in a post about string cheese and tampons, but I'm not sure if I have mentioned how much she loves cats?  Everyone that knows Gail knows she loves her cats.   Her cats love her, too, of course.  In fact, one of them was so angry that Gail left for vacation once, that he peed right on her clothes in her suitcase.  How dare she leave him!

Gail didn't realize it that a such a crime had been committed, though.

Soooo....Gail pulled out those gym clothes from her suitcase and wore them to exercise.

Gail was on an exercise bike at the gym in said gym clothes.

Gail was beside a very attractive man.

Gail noticed him sniffing the air.

Gail realized, in horror, that her cat peed on her gym clothes and that he was sniffing the air to find out where THAT SCENT was coming from (I am actually not sure WHEN she fully realized she was walking around smelling like her cat's tinkle).


So, Gail played it off....and started sniffing the air beside her in an attempt to somehow persuade the very attractive man that it was the person beside her that smelled like cat urine and sweat.

Gail thought fast.

I'm not sure the man was convinced...or maybe he was?  I wish we knew.

Here's the deal: cats are intentional, smart and cunning.  And sometimes really mean.  That's why I don't like cats.  My blogging friend, Kimberly, from My Inner Chick wrote a recent post about her cat, Charlie, WHO PEED ON HER SON'S HEAD.  Kimberly's son's head.  On purpose.  Case closed.

Anyway, back to Gail.  She very recently changed jobs.  Since it is no mystery that she adores her pets, her co-workers made her this very special cake:


I'm not much of a recipe sharer on this blog, but...I couldn't pass this one up.


Ha!!!  Right?  Ha and ew?  You may have seen this cake before, but it was a new one for me.  I REALLY laughed at this cake.  If you have a cat lover in your life, or want a fun Halloween dessert, you just HAVE to make them this cake.  I really don't see that you have any choice in the matter.

ingredients:
  • 1 (18.25 ounce) package German chocolate cake mix
  • 1 (18.25 ounce) package white cake mix
  • 2 (3.5 ounce) packages instant vanilla pudding mix
  • 1 (12 ounce) package vanilla sandwich cookies
  • 3 drops green food coloring
  • 1 (12 ounce) package tootsie rolls
  • Serve it in an actual kitty litter box with a kitty litter scooper!

Directions

  1. Prepare cake mixes and bake according to package directions (any size pan).
  2. Prepare pudding according to package directions and chill until ready to assemble.
  3. Crumble sandwich cookies in small batches in a food processor, scraping often. Set aside all but 1/4 cup. To the 1/4 cup add a few drops of green food coloring and mix.
  4. When cakes are cooled to room temperature, crumble them into a large bowl. Toss with 1/2 of the remaining cookie crumbs, and the chilled pudding. You probably won't need all of the pudding, you want the cake to be just moist, not soggy.
  5. Line kitty litter box with the kitty litter liner. Put cake mixture into box.
  6. Put half of the unwrapped tootsie rolls in a microwave safe dish and heat until softened. Shape the ends so that they are no longer blunt, and curve the tootsie rolls slightly. Bury tootsie rolls randomly in the cake and sprinkle with half of the remaining cookie crumbs. Sprinkle a small amount of the green colored cookie crumbs lightly over the top.
  7. Heat 3 or 4 of the tootsie rolls in the microwave until almost melted. Scrape them on top of the cake and sprinkle lightly with some of the green cookie crumbs. Heat the remaining tootsie rolls until pliable and shape as before. Spread all but one randomly over top of cake mixture. Sprinkle with any remaining cookie crumbs. Hang the remaining tootsie roll over side of litter box and sprinkle with a few green cookie crumbs. Serve with the pooper scooper for a gross Halloween dessert.               

*The recipe was taken from All Recipes*


***If you DO have cats, be sure to make this FAR away from them so they don't think it's a REAL litter box, for goodness sakes!***
Originally published a year or so ago. Something like that.


The Jankiest Public Bathroom I've Ever Seen


(From Urban Dictionary.)

I have never used the word "janky" before. I have never said it out loud and I have never written it. After seeing this particular bathroom this past weekend, it was the word that came to mind. I cannot with good conscience use any other word to describe it at this point.

Let me give you some background.

This past weekend was my future sister-in-law's bachelorette party. I haven't been to a bachelorette party in probably 15-20 years. I wasn't sure I could hang but I drove to Austin anyway.

The trip didn't start out great. 

On the way there, I was talking to my grandmother. This is the same grandmother I was talking to when a bird took a crap in my hair and she wasn't having it when I said I needed to hang up to wash it out. While we were talking, I took a wrong turn off the freeway and didn't realize it until 30-40 minutes and some random cows later. I have only driven that path a few trillion times. How did I actually take a wrong turn off of a main freeway??

For Pete's sake.

Once I arrived in Austin at the hotel, I tried to drive into the valet garage because my brain doesn't work. I saw the red x's pleading with me not to enter, but I entered anyway. (Part human/whole rebel right here, folks.) Nice Valet Guy met me at the front of the garage and told me I had to turn around. I already had the car in reverse. Couldn't he see that I already had the car in reverse? I'm leaving! I'm leaving!

When I finally walked into the hotel after stressing and hurrying up and stammering my way through the valet experience (I'm already at the valet?! I got here too fast! Where are my keys? I have too much trash in here! Why did I make two stops at Sonic on my way here? Does Young Valet Dude thing I'm part-billy goat?), I couldn't find the dingdang elevators because the W hotel calls them something different than every other hotel in a 500-mile radius.



Lifts.

They call them lifts.

(I'll show you lifts.)

Once inside the "lift", I got stuck in it because I didn't have a room key. My roommates asked that I meet them in our room. They had forgotten that I needed a key. I had to wait until a bellboy came in the lift that would trust that I actually belonged in that hotel. This was the one day I was really glad I left my "THUG LIFE" knuckle rings at home.

Later that Friday night was the first night of the weekend for me. Some of the girls had arrived the night before. We went to eat at a really trendy (and yummy) Austin restaurant called Searsuckers. After that? THE PARTY BUS.

Lawduhmercy, they got a party bus.

I half expected the party bus to blurt out, "MOM OF TWO ON BOARD! MOM OF TWO ON BOARD! PLEASE STEP OFF THE BUS, MOM OF TWO ON BOARD!" when I stepped over its threshold, but it stayed silent somehow.

I realize now it was because that bus was tore up from the floor up.

Somewhere along the way, one of us began to smell something burning. Word got around in a half millisecond and there may have been some slight panicking taking place. The nice bus driver smelled it, too, so he pulled over and we all got out at a do-it-yourself car wash. 

And stood there.

And looked around.

And laughed some.

And looked around some more.

And took a picture inside a car wash bay.


And spotted Don's Depot.

It was right across the street from the car wash. Bus Driver Guy was going to be at least 45 minutes before he came back around with a new ride. Do-it-yourself car washes aren't wise places to stand around at night, so Don was getting some visitors, whether he liked it or not.

This was one of the first lovely sights I beheld as we made our way into this somewhat dusty night spot.


Now, I'm not sure if that was Don or not, but I think if it's not, Don's Depot should change the name to whatever this guy's name is... Ed? Ed's Depot! Bill? Bill's Depot! Earl? Earl's Depot! It's not quite the same alliteration but credit is being given where it's due, because that dude could tickle those keys! He put Brooks & Dunn to shame!

Don's Depot ended up being a fun surprise. Not only did we have Billy Joel Sr. at the piano, we had lots and lots of older folks swirling around the dance floor. I mean, it was like Cocoon Unleashed up in there. I have never seen such a thing.



See what I mean? This man is hugging on my future sister-in-law. I mean, he is squeezing her TIGHT. Pretty sure Mr. Cocoon here was even with a lady that night. He did that squeezin' right in her face! He actually told Stephanie (that'd be the future sister-in-law) to make sure his picture ended up on Facebook. We all know this blog is much bigger than Facebook could dream of being, so he got his wish there. (I wish I didn't have to point out that I just used sarcasm, but there's always a clueless one in the bunch.)

With all of these cutting edge class acts walking around, it is hard for me to believe no one has yet to speak up about the janky bathroom. Since Bus Driver Guy was taking a bit long to return, I had to visit the restroom. I should have known I was in for a janky treat when I passed the popcorn machine on my way in. Was I at a circus or a dusty night spot?

Let me have the honor of presenting to you...

THE JANKY BATHROOM.


Wow, wow, wow, wow, WOW. The manufacturers that make those popcorn buckets must've been given the job of decorating that place!

Interior decorator: "Would you like this room decorated in a nice, neutral, easy-on-the-eyes Latte paint color or would you prefer the Janky Popcorn Bucket shade?"

Don: "JANKY POPCORN BUCKET SHADE ALL THE WAY, BABY!! WOOOOO!!!!"

Interior decorator: "Dial it down, Don!"

That's probably how that went.

Not only were the walls wacky and the carpet atrocious, they had this thing in there! The heck? Seriously, THE HECK?


This is a lady's only restroom. This was only accessible by climbing up and into it. It was dirty and icky and JANKY.

But, of course, I had to see what it was like up there. I'd show you the picture but I noticed I had a little bit of Spanx playing peek-a-boo and nobody wants to see that. Just like I don't want to see this janky bathroom again.


(I decided to update this post with the picture. I bleeped out the Spanx.)

Despite the bathroom trip, it was a fun weekend. I wasn't quite able to keep up with the rest all weekend long, but I had fun anyway!




Is your bathroom painted in a Janky Popcorn Bucket shade?

UPDATE: My reader friend, Lyndsey, said that Don's Depot is on the list of the top 35 things to do in Austin. It turns out that the depot is an old Missouri-Pacific train station. The lady's bathroom is a REAL caboose!! That is why it is so janky!! Go in the caboose to take care of your caboose. Ha! Oh, I liked that joke.

Why aren't you laughing? Read more here: http://events.austin360.com/austin_tx/venues/show/372904-donns-depot


A tribute to "Ms. Limited English Speaking Nail Salon Lady"

All the nail salon ladies of the world should be saluted, no doubt, but the LIMITED ENGLISH SPEAKING ones are getting all the praise today.  (The ladies that have been saluted in the past here in the Break Room can be found under "Today, We Salute YOU" tab under the "Special Features" tab of the navigation bar.)  Many of you are likely familiar with Anjelah Johnson's hilarious salute to her nail salon lady.  If not, you'll most definitely want to click HERE. It makes me laugh out loud every time!! 
I thought these hearts were appropriate for this month. 
http://www.weddingcometrue.com/

Kelley’s Break Room presents…
Re-l Wom-n of G-nius
(the dashes are being used due to a copyright issue)

Reeeeeeeeee------llllllll Wom--------n of G------------niuuu-uuuus!!!

Today we salute YOU, Ms. Limited English Speaking Nail Salon Lady.

(Ms. Limited English Speaking Nail Salon Laaayhaaaaydeh!!!)

It’s 4 p.m. inside the three white and one glass wall of your nail salon situated in a busy strip center and you couldn’t be happier. You chatter happily with your sister, your cousin, your 8-year-old daughter and the one token male who wanders around with his squirt bottle hoping to kill all the germs Mrs. Humongous Fungus Among Us just left in the pedicure bath.

(I-don’t-think-that-squirt-bottle-is-gonna-cut-it)

No matter how many heels made of solid rock you go after with your cheese grater, you keep smiling. You keep smiling as you cradle their gnarly feet in your hands and try to make their rocks succumb to your chisel. You keep smiling as you clip, clip, clip, clip, clip, clip, clip, clip, clip, clip, clip, clip, clip, clip, clip, clip, clip, clip, clip, clip, clip, clip, clip, clip, clip, clip away at their sometimes thick, yellowed, ingrown TOENAILS that sometimes set sail.....right…into…your…mouth.


(Somebody pass me a tooooooooothpiiiiiiiiick!!!!!!!)

As you paint Hot Red Mama on toenails the size of  half-Tic Tacs, you are able to keep one eye on Maury Povich blaring on the TV and one eye on the prize all while sweetly calling over your shoulder “I be ri wi you” to Ms. Grumpy Chipped Nails waiting on the black leather couch with her outdated People magazine. That bell keeps clanging on the glass door that broadcasts “NO CHECK!” and you know it’s going to be a loooooong afternoon.  Still, you smile.

(I-really-could-use-a-Tic-Tac)


So, crack open a new package of nail files, Ms. Limited English Speaking Nail Salon Lady, and know that you and YOUR SMILE are the REAL reason we return to your nail salon over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over again.


Ms. Limited English Speaking Nail Salon Laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyhaaaaaaaaaydehhhhhhhh.....



*This was originally published in a couple of years ago. I thought she needed to be saluted again.


The Hobby Lobby Spin-Off Post (Who's going into business with me?)

This could, quite possibly, be the dumbest blog post you've ever read. I mean, I don't know what my problem is... It's like I have this URGE to write this post, even though I know that I may be the only who enjoys it. It's just terrible this disregard I have sometimes for this Break Room.

But, then I think...

It's just a blog, right?

It's just a blog post, right?

I mean, who really cares, right?

So, before I lose anymore sleep over it all, I present to you my Hobby Lobby spin-offs. When I finally accrue a few zillion dollars, I'll open them all at once. I'll have them sort of spaced out around town so that people don't realize right away that I own them all. That would be uncomfortable for me when I go out and about. "Hey, are you the lady that owns allllll of those really awesome stores?" I'd blush and stuff, you know? That might get in the way of my productivity while I'm out running errands.


 
 
Spin-Off #1



Spin-Off #2:
 
Spin-Off #3:
 
 
Spin-Off #4:
 
 
Spin-Off #5:
 
 
 
What other Hobby Lobby spin-offs should I open??
You'll get half the profits!


The Ugly Contest

 
"You have to look at one more. You just have to look at this one. Haaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!"

This was me to my husband on just about our entire road trip home last week. That is when the pictures started rolling in for #theuglycontest that is going on over at the Kelley's Break Room Facebook page. He smiled at the first few, but then was all, "Kelley, I've got to drive here" and then "You are going to submit one of those, are you?"

I really, really enjoy contorting my face to the ugliest way possible. I used to make this face behind my husband's back when we first started dating. He knew what I was doing, but never wanted to see it. He has seen it plenty of times, but it's almost like he's scared! I would be, too, if I were him.

I haven't made one yet for the contest. My "ugly" face is so, so super ugly. I feel like I might make more people cry than laugh. Also, I've already showed you all my Fire Marshall Bill lips.



Plus, there are just so, so, so many really awesome pictures over in #theuglycontest album. I could show you some that make me laugh out loud, but then I don't want to sway you. If you are a fan of laughing out loud, YOU HAVE TO GO LOOK AT THIS ALBUM. I am not kidding. I have had TEARS in my eyes!!! There are 100+ photos in the album, including photos from some bloggers like Let Me Start By Saying, Moms Who Drink And Swear, Baby Sideburns, Insane in the Mom Brain, Caffeinated Chronicles of a Super Mom, Somewhat Sane Mom and others!

I officially stopped accepting photos for the contest last night, but if you really want to see your ugly mug in that mix, please send it to me via a Facebook message on the Kelley's Break Room Faceboook page. Hey, if you can garner up enough votes and speed ahead of the others in the contest, your ugly mug deserves to win!

The winner will receive a $120 teeth whitening system from Smile Brilliant and will be determined by the picture that received the most votes. The next two winners will receive something toothy from Smile Brilliant, too.


If you feel like spreading the word via Pinterest...
  
 
If you are ready to CRACK UP, head over to see the The Ugly Contest pictures! This will take you straight to the post! Hope to see you there!



Funny Questions & Ugly Faces: You'll Laugh At Both!

(The girl in the picture is Katie Myers! Love that she is playing along!)


One of my favorite bloggers and tweeters asked if I could come to play at her house. Yay! I LOVE her house. She lives at Abby Has Issues lane. I think she is really, really funny. Her wit is original and her tweets are hilarious. These are the questions that she asked me below as part of the series where she features other people who have issues.

-Where, what and why do you write?
-First thing you think of when you wake up in the morning.
-What's the one "issue" or frustration annoying you right now?
-Three websites you visit every day.
-Favorite place to be?
-If you could rule the land for one day, what laws would you create and enforce?
-What TV show would you like to appear on?
-Best and worst things you can find in your refrigerator right now?
-What is one question that you wish I would have asked you and what would be your reply?

If you are interested in hearing my answers to these questions, you need to head over to Abby Has Issues lane to find out. You are more than welcome to use one of the golf carts I have parked around this blog somewhere. You know that's the trendy thing. Suburbanites love to ride their golf carts around to their neighbors' houses, so why not ride them between blogs?

BUT, before you go, did you know that there is a contest going on over at the Kelley's Break Room Facebook page? I am having people (men, women, kids & capybaras welcome!) post a normal picture of themselves along with a REALLY UGLY picture of themselves. This was inspired by this article that absolutely, positively cracked me up. I will pick my top 5 favorites early next week and then we can vote on our favorites. The winner of #theuglycontest will get a teeth whitening system from Smile Brilliant. I'm not sure what system they are sending yet, but it ranges from $119.95 to $154.95. You create custom-fitted trays, which I believe is a feature unique to them. I just sent my impressions in to them. I will definitely be updating here later about my progress. They are willing to send the winner of this contest one of these "systems", too!

If you are interested in showing us your normal/"ugly" pictures, you can post them directly to the Kelley's Break Room Facebook page or add them to this thread below. I will pick the winner next Friday.



Now, jump on my golf cart! Let's go to the Abby Has Issues house!


Top 10 Ways I Entertain Myself at The Home Depot When My Husband Stays in There Forever



My husband once spent SIX HOURS inside Best Buy. SIX HOURS. That's 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 and 6 separate hours. We weren't married yet and he was purchasing a TV.  He sort of obsesses over purchases. As true as that is, I'm pretty sure he was in Best Buy a little longer than expected because it was also the day he first saw Britney Spear's video on a gazillion different screens for "Hit Me Baby One More Time". Mmmm-hmmmm. Pretty sure. That skinny little heifer.

So, six hours. The man is capable of shopping and staying in one place for a long, long, long time with or without a Britney Spears video in front of him. Unlike many women, I don't really LOVE to shop. I grew up going to the mall a lot with my family and I remember daydreaming of sitting at home in my backyard reading or playing or something while going in and out of stores. I'm not a shopper.

When I find myself at a store that I am ready to leave but can't, I find ways to entertain myself. This is exactly what happened at Home Depot last week. We are getting our house ready to sell, so we needed lots of different things from the store. After I did the necessary perusing and choosing and agreeing and disagreeing and "no way"-ing and "check this out"-ing and deciding, I still found myself in the store while my husband pondered and brewed and pondered some more.

So, these were the 10 ways I entertained myself within the orange and tan walls of The Home Depot, which, by the way, is another area of discussion. It's just "Home Depot", amirite? Not "The Home Depot". I mean, it IS officially "The Home Depot" but that "The" totally needs to take a hike.


#1 ANNOY MY HUSBAND
 
Deep down, I didn't give a rip what any of these things were and had no clue what purpose any of them served or, really, if they had any purpose in life at all. That didn't stop me from standing RIGHT next my husband, though, and acting like I did. As I saw him reach for something, say that red "actuator disc", I'd reach for the actuator disc AT THE SAME EXACT MOMENT while saying something like, "We could really use a red actuator disc." He smiled the first 200 times I did but was ready to ask the animal shelter if they accept humans at #203.


#2 ADMIRE THE
ARTWORK OF OTHERS
I saw this lovely model next to the wooden shutters and started to giggle. That lady to her right is saying, "Girlfriend, how did you get the lead spot in this window treatment ad with those teeth? You are not better than me. You may think you are better than me, but YOU'RE NOT! I have on a cute necklace!!"




#3 CONTEMPLATE SIZING CHARTS

 
Are these lights classified as A, B, C and DD instead of watts? 






#4 SECOND-GUESS PRODUCT NAMERS
 A defiant flash light sounds like one that wouldn't hold a battery charge for long.







#5 GET NAUSEOUS

 You may have another word that brings you down, but one of mine is definitely FLANGE. FLANGE. FLANGE. No way. Noooooo way. Not a fan.





 #6 BECOME INDIGNANT OVER REALLY, REALLY STUPID THINGS

Monkey or gorilla? PICK ONE!!!






#7 PRETEND I'M IN A SCARY MOVIE

 "Chris, do you see a  HAND coming out of the WALL?  AHHHHHH!!! RUN!!! RUNNNNN!!!!!!  Please, for the love of gaskets and hoses, we've been here forever. Let's go."





#8 BECOME SIDETRACKED BY SINKS
The sink people are out of control.




#9 SYMPATHIZE WITH AWKWARD TOOLS

Stubby probably gets turned down by all of the ladies.





#10 LOOK FOR WORDS WITH FRIENDS WORDS TO IMPRESS PEOPLE THAT ARE BEATING ME OVER AND OVER AGAIN LIKE MY COUSIN IN FLORIDA, SCOTT.


Turns out "SAE" is an acronym or something. Dang it.



Feel free to use any of my ideas for your entertainment the next time you are at Home Depot or Loew's. You may have a long list of your own and don't need mine at all. Maybe your list includes playing on the tractors? Seriously, please don't be stingy with your good ideas. Share them with us! Make Home Depot such a fun place to be that you consider taking a family vacation there and encourage others to do the same!

*This was originally posted two summers ago*


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