Kelley's Break Room

Top 9 Funny Parenting Tips- The Education Version

You don't think I'm going to give you parenting tips, right? Parenting tips about education? No, no, no, no, sir. No, sir. The only parenting tip I have is to master the art of clicking the unlock button on your car super fast while simultaneously opening your child's door before the little stinker locks his door again when you tell him he needs to get out of the car right NOW. That's all I got. No, what I'm doing here is providing a little introduction to a very talented, very funny and very popular person/blogger/teacher named Leanne Shirtliffe, the blogger behind Ironic Mom, who will be passing on the funny, funny tips.

This is her! This is Leanne!

Here's her official bio:

Leanne Shirtliffe is the author of DON'T LICK THE MINIVAN: Things I Never Thought I'd Say to My Kids. She’s also the mother of tween twins, a phrase that’s hard to say after two glasses of wine. She writes for the Huffington Post and Nickelodeon's NickMom.com and has been published by The Christian Science Monitor, The Calgary Herald, and The Globe and Mail. When she’s not wasting brain cells tweeting, she teaches teens who are slightly less hormonal than she is. She lives in Calgary because she likes complaining about the weather.

There are a few reasons for this introduction.

The first is because, well, the world needs more Leanne. She's smart, well-written and has a great sense of humor. She is a fellow writer for NickMom. I am pretty sure we started writing for them around the same time, which was quite some time ago now. I remember seeing her picture and thinking, "I'd like to know that Leanne. She's, like, super funny."

The second reason is because she *just* released her book Don't Lick The Minivan yesterday! Last night, she hosted the Twitter part #dontlicktheminivan and it was trending, which was exciting. She sent a copy to me a few months ago and I loved it. She had lots of relatable and hilarious stories about her husband, family and twins. I also loved her stories about life in Bangkok. BANGKOK. She lived there and had babies there and stuff. Reading about life there is reason enough to buy the book!

My favorite part of the book, however, has got to be on page 15 when pregnant-with-twins Leanne, who had a waist size almost a foot bigger than her pre-pregnancy days, said she was a "walking Astrodome". She mentioned the Astrodome! She mentioned Texas! She mentioned my home! Oh, man, it's like I was in the book myself. A Kelley cameo, so to speak.

And you know I'm giving one away after this post...

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Top 9 Funny Parenting Tips- The Education Version

I’m a teacher. Ergo I should know how to raise kids and use big words like “ergo.” Ergo, I don’t. In fact, in my experience, teachers’ kids usually behave like little sh*ts, likely because by the time their parents get home they’re so sick of disciplining they can’t be arsed to set boundaries for their own spawn.

Having said that, I’m still a teacher, which means I have lots of opinions. Here then is the “educational” version of the Top 9 Funny Parenting Tips:

Before placing your children in sports activities, consider their genetic limitations. Blame your spouse for any shortfalls.

Placing hanging toys over your baby’s car seat will help her score 6423 on her SATs.

Anatomically correct dolls will help your children to differentiate moles from nipples, and armpits from butts.

When people ask you stupid questions about your children, it is your right and responsibility to give them stupid answers.

Stating the obvious to your children is a gentle introduction to the art of sarcasm.

Accept that all dinosaur names sound like diseases. Then bookmark the Wikipedia page so your children don’t think you’re abnormally stupid.

Encouraging your children to gossip about their classmates will make you feel better about your own parenting skills.

As long as your child isn’t the worst in his class, he will succeed. If he is the worst, drink more wine.

Paying other people to teach your children things you’re more than capable of is a perfectly acceptable middle class folly.

What tips have you found useful for surviving the school years and the extracurricular activities?

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You want a copy of her book, right? If you were closer to me, I'd totally let you borrow mine. You would probably want one of your own, though, so you can read over and over again all about how the neighborhood kids took home skin rashes at a birthday once because she applied secondhand face paint. That's good stuff.

You can buy her book here. Know that the money will go to support her children's therapy. Or her own.

If you are interested in possibly receiving a FREE copy, just leave a comment below telling us if you have ever licked a minivan (or anything else you want). I will pick a winner on Monday!

Are we friends on Facebook and Twitter yet? No? Let's change that!
Follow @kelleysbreakrm

Saying Goodbye to the Cutlets: An Unfortunate Tale of Inserts Gone Wild

Well, let's get right to it, folks.

I figure since Angelina Jolie just put it all out there with her brave discussion and decisions surrounding her double mastectomy, the least I could do is approach the subject of cutlets. You know what a cutlet is, right? It's a little bra insert they make so that women who look like they haven't hit puberty yet can at least look like they are 13 years old?

The discussion of cutlets is also timely since I had a graphic/decision tree go up over at NickMom last week called "How Often Do You Need To Wash Your Bra REALLY?".

Hold the phone.

I just saw that the graphic has been shared over 2,000 times on Facebook. Nothing of mine has been shared that many times on Facebook. We care about dirty-ish bras up in here.

Back to the cutlets...

No, break. Hold that phone again. When I shared that NickMom graphic on my Facebook page, the discussion of bras came up. Some girls said they only had two bras and some girls only had ONE, including a friend of mine. ONE BRA. She says it's a nice, expensive bra, but there is only ONE of them. On top of that, it's BLACK. She has one black bra. (I am going to buy her another one soon.)

Okay, officially back to the cutlets. So, anyway, sometimes I'll wear them. I'll wear them if my shirt needs a little poofing up. I'll wear them if I think that the movie worker lady will say, "Sorry, people 12 and under can't go into this movie." I'll wear them if I want to pretend to be an adult. The art of providing a little padding to the upper region is nothing new over here, either. Before there were cutlets, there was my cousin and me in fifth grade making our shirts look like Daisy Duke's and then stuffing tons of socks at the top. We were Daisy-Dolly Duke-Partons walking around.

But, it's high time I put them up. It's time to kiss the cutlets goodbye. I'm not a good manager of the cutlets. You see, once I was over at Insane In The Mom Brain's house and thought I lost one. I searched high and low for the cutlet. "Heeeeeeeeeeeere, cutletcutletcutlet. Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeere, cutletcutletcutlet." It never popped up. It never said, "YOU FOUND ME! HAHAHAHA!!! THAT DIDN'T TAKE LONG! YOU ARE GOOD AT HIDE-AND-GO-SEEK!" Nope, that didn't happen. I frantically looked under Patti's chairs. I looked behind Patti's Justin Bieber. I looked behind Patti's baby zombies. It was like Kelleyana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Cutlet over there.

I should have kept my search on the down low, but I let it out that I had a missing culet and the next thing you know, Patti mentions it in her blog to her gigagagamillion followers.

Dang it, Patti.

It was my own fault, though. It was actually my wake-up call to get my cutlets under control.

Wouldn't you know that he would pop his head back up just a few days later at my own house? I never even lost it! Pretty sure I went to Patti's all lopsided.

Anyway, once the cutlets were reunited, I kept them tucked away in a little drawer for a while. I don't often feel the need to bust them out, but I felt the urge to get them out again when we went on vacation a few weeks ago. You just never know when you'll need the cutlets when on a raging sea, you know? How can one actually pack for a cruise and leave the cutlets at home? Cutlets love relaxation as much as the next guy!

I also needed them to go with my pirate outfit.

But, guess who wouldn't stay put?

You got it!

So, that's it.

The cutlets can't be trusted.

The cutlets have seen their day.

The cutlets are GONERS.

The cutlets WILL NEVER GO ON ANOTHER CRUISE.

It was nice knowing them while I did. They were great help at times and, sure, I'm sad to see them go, but...what choice do I have? They have left me no choice. They photobombed our picture with Chip 'n Dale and I have ZERO TOLERANCE for cutlet photobombers!

(Do you think I was too harsh with them?)

Do you have out-of-control cutlets? Have you shown them whose boss yet? Please share your wisdom.

Are we friends on Facebook and Twitter yet? No? Let's change that!

Follow @kelleysbreakrm

The Day I Met Adam Levine (Sort Of.)

This post is a part of the #MSNKnowNow series. Microsoft has reimagined their site to be 4 times FASTER than other mobile sites. Thatissuperfasty'all! I have MSN as my home page on my desktop and now look up things that I want to know reallyfast on my mobile on that site, as well. "The new MSN delivers unparalleled speed and coverage in an easy-to-use, touch-enabled format on Windows 8 and Internet Explorer 10, iPhone and Android." This is true! I found out all about Taylor Swift sticking out her tongue at Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez smooching it up, the mystery Powerball winner in Zephyrhills, Florida and the lady who ate glass at McDonald's and is suing them because she now sings like a man with the new MSN mobile site all in less than 3 nanoseconds (or thereabouts) . Check it out!

This post was created in partnership with MSN. Find out more about the all new MSN experience at allnew.msn.com or see it in action on Windows 8, Android, or on iOS at msn.com

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Already, my husband was a little frustrated with me. I had been working in the Houston Medical Center and he works downtown. We decided to meet near his office to eat lunch at Benihana. (And, no, I saw no women hibachi chefs and, yes, I'm still on the hunt for them.) Most parking spaces have meters, but usually you can pay for your parking space with a credit card.

I chose one that had to be paid with quarters.

I had no quarters.

It was pouring down rain.

"Before you meet me in the restaurant, can you run by the meter near my car and put some quarters in the machine?" I begged into his voicemail.

Silence.

"Chris, it's me again. Will you please go by the car and put quarters in the meter?? I have, like, three more minutes before those vicious meter people come by to give me a ticket!!" I anxiously say into his voicemail. Again.

Silence.

I frantically get on my phone to search for the meter people's number. I have to call them to tell them that my husband is coming to put quarters in that machine and to hold on already. I get on my cell phone and start entering in search terms that would take me to the right person. I have to KNOW NOW. I'm punching in letters, I'm scrolling down the screen, I'm wincing, I'm sweating...

HALLELUJAH.

He walks into the door dripping with rain.

"Did you get my message??"

"Yes. I got your message. There are quarters in the machine. Why didn't you have any quarters?"

We continue to discuss this issue when I saw some very interesting people come into the restaurant behind him. That sat at the table directly beside us. The restaurant wasn't crowded at all, but they were seated right next to us. They just looked...famous.

"Those people are famous," I whisper to Chris.

"They're not famous. Why do you think they're famous?"

"They are! Everyone else in this place is wearing a suit, business clothes or scrubs and, look, that guy is wearing leather. There are three guys and one girl and one of the guys is wearing leather. That guy has a weird hairstyle. One of them has rolling luggage in that corner. See it! They're definitely in a band or something. Hold on, hold on...I THINK THAT GUY IS ADAM LEVINE!!!"

Adam Levine from Maroon 5 and The Voice, of course. Source

(I have a thing for Adam Levine.)

"Shhhhhh, Kelley! That is not Adam Levine. I can't believe you think that is Adam Levine."

"The back of his head sort of looks like him!"

"Unless Maroon 5 is from Ireland, that isn't them. They're talking with accents."

"Huh?"

I get out my iPhone and start looking up Maroon 5 so I can see what the other band members look like. This is important stuff. I have to KNOW NOW. I have to prove to my husband that that IS Maroon 5 and that IS Adam Levine.

"Look at this guy, Chris. He looks like that guy beside Adam Levine!"

My heart starts beating really fast. I start breathing fast.

"And, Maroon 5 was JUST HERE performing! Look on my phone! That could SO be them!"

"It's not them."

So, I get up to go to the bathroom. I have to get a better look from another angle. It doesn't take long for me to realize that it's definitely not Adam Levine.

Doggonit.

I still know they're famous.

"I still think they're famous."

"Well, they might be, but how will you ever know?"

So, we eat.

I think.

My husband has to leave for a meeting.

As I wait for the check, my heart beats louder and louder. I am trying to work up the nerve to ask these famous-looking people if they're famous.

My check comes. Way too fast. So, I pay. Way too slow.

Then, I just do it.

"I am so sorry to interrupt you, but, I just have to know... Are you guys in a band or something?"

They smile at me.

"What gave us away?"

"Well, there's the leather and the hat and the rolling luggage..."

They laugh.

"Which band do you think we're a part of?"

"Ummmm...Maroon 5?"

(I was still really hoping. I was thinking maybe Adam Levine looked different up close or something.)

They laugh again.

"No, no...we're performing at Jones Hall tonight [a classy venue] and we're a part of Celtic Woman. Have you heard of us?"

I met the brunette on the far left. She was wearing super cute clothes, was super friendly and made me feel like I looked like a pound of yak sweat. Why do I have to meet famous people when I look like yak sweat?? Source

(There were three men and one woman, remember?)

"Oh, yes, I think so! [I was really stretching IT here. I'm pretty sure I've seen them on an infomercial or something.] You sing really beautifully!"

"Well, thank you."

"I guess you are one of the Celtic Woman women?"

"Yes, yes. These guys are a part of the band."

(We make a little more small talk and then I excuse myself. They were exceptionally nice and definitely sounded Irish.)

So, it wasn't Maroon 5, but for a fleeting moment, I thought I was sitting behind Adam Levine, which almost felt like the real thing.

I mean, don't you think this guy would look like him FROM BEHIND?

(This is his Twitter picture- @celticpiper)

That's who I saw!!

His name is Anthony Byrne and he is a Celtic Piper. He's one of the Celtic Woman pipers. From the back, I swear he looked like Adam Levine. His hair was cut really short and it was super dark. He had a little shadow going on, like he does in this picture. He was dressed in trendy clothes (no plaid skirts).

I also remember him being really nice and eating edamame.

So, since I thought he was Adam Levine almost the entire time I was at Benihana, and since the guy is in a band and is famous in his own celtic pipe playing way, isn't it like I almost met Adam Levine himself?

(You can't convince me otherwise.)

UPDATE: I tweeted this to Anthony Byrne tonight (@celticpiper) and this is what he said: "Anthony Byrne ‏@celticpiper 48m

@KelleysBreakRm I just read ur blog. I remember that day! Yeh it happens a bit. I wonder does he ever get mistaken for me??! I doubt it!" THIS MADE MY DAY. He read the post! He said he remembers the day! He may be just being nice, but still! I'm just glad he didn't get angry I disturbed his edamame eating.

You know I'd love to see your face over on Facebook and Twitter!

Follow @kelleysbreakrm