A tribute to "Ms. Limited English Speaking Nail Salon Lady"

All the nail salon ladies of the world should be saluted, no doubt, but the LIMITED ENGLISH SPEAKING ones are getting all the praise today.  (The ladies that have been saluted in the past here in the Break Room can be found under "Today, We Salute YOU" tab under the "Special Features" tab of the navigation bar.)  Many of you are likely familiar with Anjelah Johnson's hilarious salute to her nail salon lady.  If not, you'll most definitely want to click HERE. It makes me laugh out loud every time!! 
I thought these hearts were appropriate for this month. 
http://www.weddingcometrue.com/

Kelley’s Break Room presents…
Re-l Wom-n of G-nius
(the dashes are being used due to a copyright issue)

Reeeeeeeeee------llllllll Wom--------n of G------------niuuu-uuuus!!!

Today we salute YOU, Ms. Limited English Speaking Nail Salon Lady.

(Ms. Limited English Speaking Nail Salon Laaayhaaaaydeh!!!)

It’s 4 p.m. inside the three white and one glass wall of your nail salon situated in a busy strip center and you couldn’t be happier. You chatter happily with your sister, your cousin, your 8-year-old daughter and the one token male who wanders around with his squirt bottle hoping to kill all the germs Mrs. Humongous Fungus Among Us just left in the pedicure bath.

(I-don’t-think-that-squirt-bottle-is-gonna-cut-it)

No matter how many heels made of solid rock you go after with your cheese grater, you keep smiling. You keep smiling as you cradle their gnarly feet in your hands and try to make their rocks succumb to your chisel. You keep smiling as you clip, clip, clip, clip, clip, clip, clip, clip, clip, clip, clip, clip, clip, clip, clip, clip, clip, clip, clip, clip, clip, clip, clip, clip, clip, clip away at their sometimes thick, yellowed, ingrown TOENAILS that sometimes set sail.....right…into…your…mouth.


(Somebody pass me a tooooooooothpiiiiiiiiick!!!!!!!)

As you paint Hot Red Mama on toenails the size of  half-Tic Tacs, you are able to keep one eye on Maury Povich blaring on the TV and one eye on the prize all while sweetly calling over your shoulder “I be ri wi you” to Ms. Grumpy Chipped Nails waiting on the black leather couch with her outdated People magazine. That bell keeps clanging on the glass door that broadcasts “NO CHECK!” and you know it’s going to be a loooooong afternoon.  Still, you smile.

(I-really-could-use-a-Tic-Tac)


So, crack open a new package of nail files, Ms. Limited English Speaking Nail Salon Lady, and know that you and YOUR SMILE are the REAL reason we return to your nail salon over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over again.


Ms. Limited English Speaking Nail Salon Laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyhaaaaaaaaaydehhhhhhhh.....



*This was originally published in a couple of years ago. I thought she needed to be saluted again.


The Hobby Lobby Spin-Off Post (Who's going into business with me?)

This could, quite possibly, be the dumbest blog post you've ever read. I mean, I don't know what my problem is... It's like I have this URGE to write this post, even though I know that I may be the only who enjoys it. It's just terrible this disregard I have sometimes for this Break Room.

But, then I think...

It's just a blog, right?

It's just a blog post, right?

I mean, who really cares, right?

So, before I lose anymore sleep over it all, I present to you my Hobby Lobby spin-offs. When I finally accrue a few zillion dollars, I'll open them all at once. I'll have them sort of spaced out around town so that people don't realize right away that I own them all. That would be uncomfortable for me when I go out and about. "Hey, are you the lady that owns allllll of those really awesome stores?" I'd blush and stuff, you know? That might get in the way of my productivity while I'm out running errands.


 
 
Spin-Off #1



Spin-Off #2:
 
Spin-Off #3:
 
 
Spin-Off #4:
 
 
Spin-Off #5:
 
 
 
What other Hobby Lobby spin-offs should I open??
You'll get half the profits!


The Ugly Contest

 
"You have to look at one more. You just have to look at this one. Haaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!"

This was me to my husband on just about our entire road trip home last week. That is when the pictures started rolling in for #theuglycontest that is going on over at the Kelley's Break Room Facebook page. He smiled at the first few, but then was all, "Kelley, I've got to drive here" and then "You are going to submit one of those, are you?"

I really, really enjoy contorting my face to the ugliest way possible. I used to make this face behind my husband's back when we first started dating. He knew what I was doing, but never wanted to see it. He has seen it plenty of times, but it's almost like he's scared! I would be, too, if I were him.

I haven't made one yet for the contest. My "ugly" face is so, so super ugly. I feel like I might make more people cry than laugh. Also, I've already showed you all my Fire Marshall Bill lips.



Plus, there are just so, so, so many really awesome pictures over in #theuglycontest album. I could show you some that make me laugh out loud, but then I don't want to sway you. If you are a fan of laughing out loud, YOU HAVE TO GO LOOK AT THIS ALBUM. I am not kidding. I have had TEARS in my eyes!!! There are 100+ photos in the album, including photos from some bloggers like Let Me Start By Saying, Moms Who Drink And Swear, Baby Sideburns, Insane in the Mom Brain, Caffeinated Chronicles of a Super Mom, Somewhat Sane Mom and others!

I officially stopped accepting photos for the contest last night, but if you really want to see your ugly mug in that mix, please send it to me via a Facebook message on the Kelley's Break Room Faceboook page. Hey, if you can garner up enough votes and speed ahead of the others in the contest, your ugly mug deserves to win!

The winner will receive a $120 teeth whitening system from Smile Brilliant and will be determined by the picture that received the most votes. The next two winners will receive something toothy from Smile Brilliant, too.


If you feel like spreading the word via Pinterest...
  
 
If you are ready to CRACK UP, head over to see the The Ugly Contest pictures! This will take you straight to the post! Hope to see you there!



Funny Questions & Ugly Faces: You'll Laugh At Both!

(The girl in the picture is Katie Myers! Love that she is playing along!)


One of my favorite bloggers and tweeters asked if I could come to play at her house. Yay! I LOVE her house. She lives at Abby Has Issues lane. I think she is really, really funny. Her wit is original and her tweets are hilarious. These are the questions that she asked me below as part of the series where she features other people who have issues.

-Where, what and why do you write?
-First thing you think of when you wake up in the morning.
-What's the one "issue" or frustration annoying you right now?
-Three websites you visit every day.
-Favorite place to be?
-If you could rule the land for one day, what laws would you create and enforce?
-What TV show would you like to appear on?
-Best and worst things you can find in your refrigerator right now?
-What is one question that you wish I would have asked you and what would be your reply?

If you are interested in hearing my answers to these questions, you need to head over to Abby Has Issues lane to find out. You are more than welcome to use one of the golf carts I have parked around this blog somewhere. You know that's the trendy thing. Suburbanites love to ride their golf carts around to their neighbors' houses, so why not ride them between blogs?

BUT, before you go, did you know that there is a contest going on over at the Kelley's Break Room Facebook page? I am having people (men, women, kids & capybaras welcome!) post a normal picture of themselves along with a REALLY UGLY picture of themselves. This was inspired by this article that absolutely, positively cracked me up. I will pick my top 5 favorites early next week and then we can vote on our favorites. The winner of #theuglycontest will get a teeth whitening system from Smile Brilliant. I'm not sure what system they are sending yet, but it ranges from $119.95 to $154.95. You create custom-fitted trays, which I believe is a feature unique to them. I just sent my impressions in to them. I will definitely be updating here later about my progress. They are willing to send the winner of this contest one of these "systems", too!

If you are interested in showing us your normal/"ugly" pictures, you can post them directly to the Kelley's Break Room Facebook page or add them to this thread below. I will pick the winner next Friday.



Now, jump on my golf cart! Let's go to the Abby Has Issues house!


Top 10 Ways I Entertain Myself at The Home Depot When My Husband Stays in There Forever



My husband once spent SIX HOURS inside Best Buy. SIX HOURS. That's 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 and 6 separate hours. We weren't married yet and he was purchasing a TV.  He sort of obsesses over purchases. As true as that is, I'm pretty sure he was in Best Buy a little longer than expected because it was also the day he first saw Britney Spear's video on a gazillion different screens for "Hit Me Baby One More Time". Mmmm-hmmmm. Pretty sure. That skinny little heifer.

So, six hours. The man is capable of shopping and staying in one place for a long, long, long time with or without a Britney Spears video in front of him. Unlike many women, I don't really LOVE to shop. I grew up going to the mall a lot with my family and I remember daydreaming of sitting at home in my backyard reading or playing or something while going in and out of stores. I'm not a shopper.

When I find myself at a store that I am ready to leave but can't, I find ways to entertain myself. This is exactly what happened at Home Depot last week. We are getting our house ready to sell, so we needed lots of different things from the store. After I did the necessary perusing and choosing and agreeing and disagreeing and "no way"-ing and "check this out"-ing and deciding, I still found myself in the store while my husband pondered and brewed and pondered some more.

So, these were the 10 ways I entertained myself within the orange and tan walls of The Home Depot, which, by the way, is another area of discussion. It's just "Home Depot", amirite? Not "The Home Depot". I mean, it IS officially "The Home Depot" but that "The" totally needs to take a hike.


#1 ANNOY MY HUSBAND
 
Deep down, I didn't give a rip what any of these things were and had no clue what purpose any of them served or, really, if they had any purpose in life at all. That didn't stop me from standing RIGHT next my husband, though, and acting like I did. As I saw him reach for something, say that red "actuator disc", I'd reach for the actuator disc AT THE SAME EXACT MOMENT while saying something like, "We could really use a red actuator disc." He smiled the first 200 times I did but was ready to ask the animal shelter if they accept humans at #203.


#2 ADMIRE THE
ARTWORK OF OTHERS
I saw this lovely model next to the wooden shutters and started to giggle. That lady to her right is saying, "Girlfriend, how did you get the lead spot in this window treatment ad with those teeth? You are not better than me. You may think you are better than me, but YOU'RE NOT! I have on a cute necklace!!"




#3 CONTEMPLATE SIZING CHARTS

 
Are these lights classified as A, B, C and DD instead of watts? 






#4 SECOND-GUESS PRODUCT NAMERS
 A defiant flash light sounds like one that wouldn't hold a battery charge for long.







#5 GET NAUSEOUS

 You may have another word that brings you down, but one of mine is definitely FLANGE. FLANGE. FLANGE. No way. Noooooo way. Not a fan.





 #6 BECOME INDIGNANT OVER REALLY, REALLY STUPID THINGS

Monkey or gorilla? PICK ONE!!!






#7 PRETEND I'M IN A SCARY MOVIE

 "Chris, do you see a  HAND coming out of the WALL?  AHHHHHH!!! RUN!!! RUNNNNN!!!!!!  Please, for the love of gaskets and hoses, we've been here forever. Let's go."





#8 BECOME SIDETRACKED BY SINKS
The sink people are out of control.




#9 SYMPATHIZE WITH AWKWARD TOOLS

Stubby probably gets turned down by all of the ladies.





#10 LOOK FOR WORDS WITH FRIENDS WORDS TO IMPRESS PEOPLE THAT ARE BEATING ME OVER AND OVER AGAIN LIKE MY COUSIN IN FLORIDA, SCOTT.


Turns out "SAE" is an acronym or something. Dang it.



Feel free to use any of my ideas for your entertainment the next time you are at Home Depot or Loew's. You may have a long list of your own and don't need mine at all. Maybe your list includes playing on the tractors? Seriously, please don't be stingy with your good ideas. Share them with us! Make Home Depot such a fun place to be that you consider taking a family vacation there and encourage others to do the same!

*This was originally posted two summers ago*


The Unbelievable Story of the Long Lost Bike

A year or so ago, I was riding bikes with my two boys. I was in the middle of the street, my oldest son was in front of me and my youngest son was beside me.

Right beside me.

Actually, after just a few minutes of riding, he was with me, as in intertwined with my bike, before I could move away. This made me fall to my right, which happened to be right over him, and into the grass. I did a sort of a Hollywood dive-and-roll. I was, for just a minute, Kelley Chan. 

My son sort of looked like this, though, except he had my bike across him like a bike blanket and, thankfully, he was wearing a helmet.

And he was in the middle of the street.


(This actually is my son- the same son- but a couple of years prior. He was playing dead after his brother got him with a light saber.)

I ran over to him, lifted my bike up, brushed him off, made sure he was okay and then checked out my bike.

It was clear my bike could have used a helmet, too. It was bent, wobbly and in no position to take me anywhere.

We slowly made it home walking hand-in-handlebar. When we finally arrived there, we rolled into the garage where I winked at my husband's bike and said, "We're going to have to get to know each other now."

I'm not a big fan of "boy bikes". They have that straight bar where girl bikes don't. Right in the middle. Have you ever, as a girl, fallen on that part? When I was younger, I did. Those boy bikes will get you right in the hoo-ha. Ouch, ouch and ouch again. 

My husband is also at least 4-5 inches taller than me. It is not convenient to ride his bike since I have to borrow the fire department's ladder just to climb into the seat. What choice do I have, though? Mine is all out of whack. Mine's got a bum wheel. 

So, while my bike waits to go to the bike hospital, I have been riding my husband's bike. It was his bike I decided to ride to Bunco a couple of weeks ago, as it was right down the street from me. Too close to drive, too far to walk.

I went out into the garage.

I looked for the bike.

"Bike?" I called out.

He didn't answer.

"Ohhhhhhh, BIIIIiiiike!!!"

Nothing.

"I think someone stole your bike," I said to my husband as I went back inside.

"Nooooo."

"Seriously!"

He went back into the garage, but he couldn't find Bike either.

(It is sad to say that our garage is in such a disarray that it would have been possible for me to have missed the bike.)

Where was Bike??

My husband was getting nervous. He has had that bike for a long time. It was an expensive bike when he bought it. It is probably not worth much now, but it was his beloved bike.

"You know what?" He said as an idea hit him. "I think I rode my bike to the swim meet two weeks ago."

(We're that family that wakes up at 6:30 on Saturday mornings to go spend half the day sitting in lawn chairs while sweat runs down our bodies and forms small ponds in front of us that ducks eventually find as it deepens and deepens with the collective sweat puddles joining together as we all wait for our swimmers' numbers to be called.)

(Lake Ponchartrain in New Orleans was formed after a particularly hot and lengthy swim meet back in 1982.)

"No way."

"Well, I'm not sure."

"TWO weeks ago? Really?"

"Maybe."

I got into our SUV. I had to investigate. I had to find out the truth!

As I approached our neighborhood pool located about two minutes from us, I held my breath.

I got closer.

I held my breath some more.

I turned the corner.

And, BOOM-SHOCKA-LOCKA, it was there.

The bike was still there.

"Your bike is still here!" I excitedly yelled to my husband over the phone.

He couldn't believe it. That bike had quietly sat there day after day, rainstorm after rainstorm, all by itself. We would later learn that many people in the neighborhood saw the bike and wondered why no one had claimed it. Some kids would ride it around the parking lot even.

Each night, though, it got returned to its little slot in the bike rack.

I ended up shoving it into the back of the SUV and driving to Bunco anyway. I told everyone "The Long Lost Bike" story once I got there.

I find it unbelievable that it never got stolen. People saw it time and again and no one nabbed it and rode it to the corner store.

(When I get to excited over that fact, people point out that the Dollar General about 20-25 minutes away has been robbed twice in less than a week.)

I wish I could tell you that all was happy after that but the truth is that Bike has his feelings hurt really badly. Bikes can be sensitive. (Case in point: Lance Armstrong's bike hasn't talked to him in years.) Bike feels abandoned and neglected. We are currently looking for a counselor that specializes in PTSDBFB (Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder But For Bikes), but, so far, have found nothing.

We will get there. We will eventually regain his trust. Until then, we are taking it day by day, moment by moment, as we take quiet rides through the neighborhood.

Hand-in-handlebar.


10 Things You Must Do When Visiting The Children's Museum of Houston



There are more than 10 things, of course, but you must do these 10. You just must! Okay, the first one is pay. You just must pay or you aren't going to get in. No, that's not the first thing. I was kidding. For one thing, you may not have to pay because you may be one of the TEN people who will receive the family 4-pack of tickets I am giving away courtesy of The Children's Museum of Houston.

I'll get to that list of 10 things as soon as I let you know that The Children's Museum of Houston was voted the #1 children's museum in the country by Parent's magazine in 2011. I never knew that! They've gotten a lot more recognition that you can read about on their website

Also, keep in mind that this is a list for YOU, the parent. There are tons of things that your kids can and should do at the museum. I am talking about the ten things that you must do there.

You just MUST:

#1 Play the table golf game thing with your kids, but just don't let it get out of hand. I can sort of let it get out of hand. I start getting competitive with my kids before I even realize it and have to be pulled away from the table. This irrational need to clear the table of all rogue golf balls also kicks in. I can't clear it fast enough. I have one kid on the end trying to get the golf balls into the hole by rolling it down the AstroTurf with his hands. If the ball doesn't go in, I feel this urge to put it down the hole for him so that he can then get the ball again to re-attempt getting it back into the hole himself. Just typing it out makes me hold my breath. I'm stressing out and I'm only typing. I usually walk away with green AstroTurf under my fingernails and I think you can imagine why.

#2 Go shopping at the mini HEB grocery store but don't get so fascinated with the empty boxes of groceries ("Is there really vanilla ice cream in here?! It's not even cold! Haha! Would you like at that? It's not even COLD!") that you lose your kid. Nobody wants a lost kid. It is easy to get sidetracked in there, though. ("It looks like it would be real ice cream, but it's not even cold, y'all!")

#3 Try out the cash register at the mini HEB but simmer down on your controlling ways. I know I found it hard to dial it down when my kids would press the apple picture when I was clearly holding a baguette. Apples aren't even made of bread. I so badly wanted to clear all the kids out of the way and be the head cashier but making your kids cry when you paid for them to have fun is a bad idea.

#4 Have your kids serve you at the diner across from the mini HEB and make multiple requests of them. It's your turn to be served. You won't get your money's worth out of that ticket unless you have them bring you 20 refills, make you a few tacos, serve you some spaghetti and give you a piece of chocolate cake. 

And another refill. 

Plus one more.

#5 Walk outside and let your kids play in the water area. I would probably not wear the khaki shorts that you can't see through when they're dry but become sort of see-through when you sit on a bench or chair that is wet. Pink panties are a no-no at the Children's Museum of Houston if you are wearing those kind of khaki shorts. Not that I have experience with this sort of thingItotallyhave. Still, you should let your kids play in the water area. Just be careful!

#6 Have your kid sit in that metal chair attached to a pulley near the front of the museum and try to pull them up. If you can pull them up really high without bursting some blood vessels, you get half off your next admission.

#7 Put on your white jackets and lab glasses in the science area with your kids. Get in on the action. Explain all of the science terms. Tell your child why things happen they way they do. Act really smart. If you are a jerk, use a condescending tone. When one of them asks you a hard question, pretend you didn't hear him and ask if he's ready to go paint his face.

#8 Take your kid to the face painting area in the entrance hallway of the museum. If you manage to find a place to squeeze in front of the coveted mirror, prepare for your face to be painted, as well. It is not uncommon to emerge from this area looking like a circus clown who received his face painting from a blind circus employee who painted your face using only his toes. Strangers' kids may cry. You may cry. This is sometimes how children's museum trips end up.
#9 Try out the green screen in the newsroom. If you or your kids are particularly good at it, YouTube it and send it to your local news station, CNBC, CNN, Fox News or Good Morning America. If none of those work or float your boat, give Diane Sawyer a call. Tell her Kelley Nettles sent you. If the name doesn't immediately ring a bell with her, remind her we took a picture together at the Good Morning America studio in New York City in 2002. I was one of hundreds in the studio, so she should have no problem remembering me. If she still doesn't remember me, yell that she is a fake and a liar.

#10 Bring $250 so that you can buy all the things your kids will ask you to buy from the gift shop. If your kids are a tad bit beggier than the beggiest, up that number to $500 or $1,000. What parent wants to deny their child 6 stuffed animals, 5 toys, 4 pens, 7 erasers, 8 key chains, 5 cups, 10 games and some candy?

What did I miss? What else should people do at The Children's Museum?

If you are interested in winning one of the TEN 4-packs of tickets to The Children's Museum of Houston, leave a comment here OR leave a comment on my Facebook page by going here.

All I ask is that you "like" Kelley's Break Room on Facebook.

For an extra entry, you can share this status update on Facebook and leave a comment on this post or on Facebook here letting me know you did.

I will pick the TEN winners using random.org in a week from now on Wednesday, July 9th.


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